Editor's Note:
So bad it's fucking amazing, this sketch is 'Legendary Norm'. All characters are playing themselfs.

The Polar Bear Sketch - May 13th, 1995

Chris Farley: Aw man! Isn’t the zoo the best, man?

Tim Meadows: I know, I can’t believe it was- how easy it was to get into the zoo, we just hopped the fence.

Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage. Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both ways before the bear eats me?

Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can’t.

Jay Mohr: All right. Ream ‘em and weap, my friend!

[Jay Mohr jumps into the polar bear cage]

Norm MacDonald: “Read ‘em and weap”? You say “Read ‘em and weap” before you lay down your cards in poker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.

Tim Meadows: Yeah, ok, Mr. Dictionary.

Norm: Mr. Dictionary? How does knowing about poker make me Mr. Dictionary?

Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn’t talking to you.

[The polar bear eats Jay, blood splashes up on Farley, Tim Meadows, Norm, and Sandler]

Farley: What happened?! What happened? Did the bear get ‘im? I’m not wearing my glasses!

Norm: Yeah, the polar bear killed Jay. What do you mean you weren’t talking to me? You were looking right at me! Who were you calling Mr. Dictionary?

Tim Meadows: Look, I’m gonna go in and haul Jay’s body up. Ok? I’ll let you guys argue amongst your selfs.

Norm: Noooo, us guys aren’t arguing amongst ourselves. I’m arguing with you.

Tim Meadows: Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you know everything Mr. Dictionary!

[Tim Meadows jumps into the polar bear cage]

Farley: [Laughs] “Mr. Dictionary”! Oh my God! He totally burned you man! [Laughs] Oh, you better hope that nickname doesn’t stick, “Mr. Dictionary”. [Laughs] Aww, man, you’re a book filled with word meanings! Ouui, ouui, ouui!

[The polar bear eats Tim Meadows, blood splashes up on Farley, Norm, and Sandler]

Farley: What happened? I’m not wearing my glasses. Did the bear get him again?

Sandler: Hey, would you put your damn glasses on? We shouldn’t have to tell you every time the bear eats one of us.

[Farley pulls out his glasses and puts them on]

Farley: Oh my God! That bear ripped off their heads like so much volleyball.

Norm: “Like so much volleyball”? Who are you, the Mighty Thor? Nobody talks like that.

Farley: Yeah… I, uh- I think… you’re a… sack of crap like so much… Mr. Dictionary! [Laughs]

Sandler: Ha ha ha, yeah! All right, good one man. High five me on that one!

Farley: Yeah baby! [Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smacks him in the face] Ohhhh!

Sandler: Alright, I gotta say I’m sick of you. And I’m sick of that polar bear, I’m going in.

Norm: Hey, hey, Adam, if you’re going into that cage, you know, be careful, because, ah… the bear is still in there.

Sandler: Oh my lord, I swear to God, Norm, that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said. Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that it got wings and flew up to Canada… where everybody talks like you and says ‘arse’ instead of ‘ass’. You’re very stupid Norm. But you know that.

[Sandler jumps into the polar bear cage]

Sandler: Weeeee!

Norm: Man, did you hear that, he calls me stupid, he just jumped into the polar bear cage. Eh? Who do you think is stupid, the guy who jumps into a polar cage, or the fella people like to call “Mr. Dictionary”?

[The polar bear eats Sandler, blood splashes up on Farley, and Norm]

Norm: Well, ah, Farley, did you or did you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was a bear still in that cage? Eh?

Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn’t really listening that much ‘cause, uh, I was trying to remember who’s been killed. All right, I know Adam Sandler, and before him Tim Meadows, but, ah, who- who was the first guy that went in there?

Norm: Are you serious? You forgot which of our buddies was killed first? It was- it was Jay Mohr, you arse!

Farley: Yeah, yeah, but um, what- what’s Jay’s middle name, I forget.

Norm: You forget Jay’s middle name? It’s Gaylord!

Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Ahaightie ahaightie ahaightie ahaightie ahaightie ahaightie! You’re Gaylord! Get it? Gay - lord, Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! Ah, ha ha! Heehouu, heeouuu. … And on that highly successful burn, I’m going into the polar bear cage and gettin’ myself some wallets so I can get some beer money! Adios!

[Farley jumps into the polar bear cage and the polar bear eats him, blood splashes up on Norm]

Norm: Well, you know what, I’m gonna jump in there because, ah, I’m sure the bear is full by now. And then I’m gonna stick my finger down its throat and then let it throw up at least one of my buddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digested all ready, I’ll throw him back in. It’s the perfect plan.

[Norm jumps into the polar bear cage and the polar bear eats him, blood splashes up on the empty scene]

Provided and transcribed by: steve