List of Characters:
Matthew Perry (Host) - Mr. Bennett
Norm MacDonald - Kevin
Cheri Oteri - Jane
Ana Gasteyer - Marisa
Will Ferrell - Brian
Tim Meadows - Tom

Added to site: June 8, 2002.

Sarcasm 101 - October 4th, 1997

Mr. Bennett: Oh and class, whoever parked in my space, thank you. I enjoyed the walk.

Kevin: You're welcome!

Mr. Bennett: Yeah. There's nothing like an hour in the rain.

Jane: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, I get it. You're saying that because you don't want him to park in your space.

Mr. Bennett: Very good. You win the trip to Jamaica!

Kevin: Heeeey! You didn't say there was a prize.

Mr. Bennett: Wow! Could you be any stupider?

[Another student (Marisa) enters]

Marisa: (to Mr. Bennett) Excuse me, is this Sarcasm 101?

Mr. Bennett: No, it's Lamaze class. It's Lamaze class for men named Arthur.

Marisa: Oh, okay. Sorry. [starts to leave]

Mr. Bennett: No, no. This is Sarcasm 101 and could you be any more gullible? Take any chair you like.

Marisa: Thanks.

[Marisa goes to sit down]

Mr. Bennett: Except that one.

Marisa: Oh.

Mr. Bennett: I'm kidding. Sit down.

Marisa: It's hard to tell if you're joking.

Mr. Bennett: Thanks. What's your name?

Marisa: Marisa.

Mr. Bennett: Well done. Marisa has just learned what? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Brian: Good sarcasm is hard to distinguish from normal speech?

Tom: Be more of a teacher's pet?

Mr. Bennett: Tom, I heard that. Good one! Okay, last weeks assignment was, “How you'd describe the food in England?” Jane?

Jane: The food is sooo good there.

Mr. Bennett: Excellent. Tom?

Tom: Um, yeah, um boiling everything is a really super smart way to cook things.

Mr. Bennett: Well done.

Tom: Thanks.

Mr. Bennett: Kevin?

Kevin: When my dad eats he sounds like a pig!

Mr. Bennett: No, no. That could not be more wrong. And just so you know, Kevin, I don't like it when you say things.

Kevin: But my dad's from England!

Mr. Bennett: Yeah, you see, I see your mouth moving, but all I'm hearing hear is like, "Wooo, woobooboo, wooo, my dad, my dad!" (clears throat) You see, Marisa, England is famous for having awful food, so...

Marisa: Why do you have to criticize everybody? I'm sure they have some good food.

Mr. Bennett: (to himself) What was I gonna say to that? How was I gonna respond to that? Oh, right! (to Marisa) I don't care.

Marisa: Now you're just being rude.

Mr. Bennett: Ah, be more sensitive.

Jane: Way to take a joke, Marisa.

Mr. Bennett: Good one.

Tom: Hey, Marisa, you know, whenever you talk it makes me want to have sex with you less.

Mr. Bennett: Not quite sarcastic, Tom, but an excellent try.

Marisa: You people are cruel!

Mr. Bennett: (mockingly) You people are cruel. That wasn't sarcasm, I just enjoy doing that. (clears throat) Ok, quick pop quiz: You walk into a bar, you see this ugly-looking fat guy in the corner, you turn to your friends and you say...what?

Brian: Could he be any larger?

Jane: Could he be any uglier?

Kevin: He looks like my dad!

Mr. Bennett: Kevin, Kevin. Try again.

Kevin: I mean... He... He looks a great deal like ... myyyyyy... dad!

Mr. Bennett: Class?

Class: (In unison) Be more stupid?

Marisa: You're not very nice.

Mr. Bennett: No, no, no. You should - you should try saying, "Could you be any meaner?"

Marisa: I don't think you could be.

Mr. Bennett: Marisa, why did you come here?

Marisa: My mother says I have no sense of humor.

Mr. Bennett: (laughs) Really?

Brian: Mr. Bennett? I was wondering if we could waste more time catering to Marisa's ‘mommy issues’ instead of actually learning something.

Mr. Bennett: Excellent, Brian.

Marisa: I don't see what's so funny.

Tom: Oh, there's a shocker.

Jane: I nominate Marisa for Class President due to her incisive wit.

Marisa: (crying) You people just don't know...know when to stop.

Brian: Why don't you cry about it?

Mr. Bennett: Hey, hey! Uh-good one!

Tom: Hey, Mr. Bennett, I think that's enough, man. She's really crying.

Jane: Yeah, Mr. Bennett. Lay off now.

Kevin: I wanna take a bath with Marisa! I mean... I mean, that is to say, could I want more Could I want to... C-Can I take a bath with Marisa?

[Marisa gets up and stands up in front of class]

Marisa: Brian, excellent. Jane, be weaker. Tom, be more of a baby. And, Kevin, no. No, you cannot. [Kevin cringes]

Mr. Bennett: Everybody meet Marisa Langford, my teaching assistant.

Tom: Aww, she was faking.

Marisa: Catch on slower?

Kevin: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy! … I don't think she's a student.

Marisa: Be a bigger moron?

Kevin: Could I...? Could I still take a bath with you?

Mr. Bennett: All right, that's time, people. Tonight your homework is to be glib to somebody you're afraid of.

[Students begin leaving]

Tom: Great! Hey, could this class suck more?

Brian: Could the teacher be any worse?

Kevin: Could she take a bath with me?

Transcribed by: TLCK
Provided by: jobe