Editor's Note:
Even though Norm is playing a guy in real life, Barry Scheck, I’ve chosen not to put this skit in the “impressions” section. This, really, is less of an “Impression” and more of a “Hey, what if Norm were this guy?”
List of Characters:
Norm MacDonald - Barry Scheck
Molly Shannon - Mrs. Scheck
Claire Danes (Host) - Louise Woodward
Tim Meadows - OJ Simpson
Will Ferrell - Ted Kazsinsky
Jim Breuer - Terry Nichols
Added to site: June 8, 2002.
Barry Scheck - November 15th, 1997
Mrs. Scheck: (Yawns) Alright, Barry. The kids are all tucked in upstairs, okay?
Barry Scheck: Oh, okay, thanks, honey.
Mrs. Scheck: Okay, so I'm gonna go to that PTA meeting. Now you're gonna be okay here?
Barry: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got these legal briefs to go over for- for my trial tomorrow, so...
Mrs. Scheck: Okay, sweetie. Alright, I'll see you later.
Barry: Okay, honey.
[They kiss, Mrs. Scheck exits, Barry turns attention toward work while eating French fries. He then begins to attempt to get some ketchup out of a bottle.]
[Doorbell rings, Barry answers, it's killer nanny Louise Woodward]
Louise: Hello, Mr. Scheck.
Barry: Aha! Louise! H- How are you? What are you doing here?
Louise: Oh, well, I wanted to thank you for taking on my case and getting me out of jail.
Barry: Ah, well, no problem. Justice prevailed and that's the important thing.
Louise: Oh, and also since I might stay in the country until my appeal is resolved, I- I'd like to ask you a small favor.
Barry: Oh, of course. Anything at all.
Louise: Can I be your nanny?
Barry: Dah! No! No, we're, ah- we're not looking for anyone right now.
Louise: (indicating newspaper) But this ad here says you're looking for a nanny.
Barry: Ha! The ad, yes! Well, alright, well ah, just, uh, mail me your references and, uh, see you later!
Louise: Oh, well, I've- I've got my references right here.
Barry: Oh, you do, huh?
Louise: Yes.
Barry: Alright, well, let's take a look at them, here, your references, are, uh... Let me see, uh, "Barry Scheck." We'll that's me (laughs). And uh, "England." The whole country, huh? And then this is odd, you've actually given a phone number for England. That's uh... I didn't realize that the... countries had their own phone numbers. Listen, Louise, ah, we don't need any nannies, so, uh...
Louise: But- but, who will look after your children?
Barry: Ha! Our children, yes! Well, uh, what we do is, me and the wife, when we go out we, ah, just leave the kids a couple of jigsaw puzzles and a pack of bologna. Alright! See ya!
Louise: Oh, it's really cold out there. Could- could I please come in for a spell?
Barry: Huh, well ah, let me think about it there, ah. No, you can't!
Louise: Oh, please I'm really cold!
Barry: Oh, alright. Just for a minute, I guess. Just having some dinner, here.
[Barry struggles with a bottle of ketchup]
Louise: What are you trying to do?
Barry: Ah, I'm trying to get this ketchup. It won't come out.
Louise: Ah, ooh, let me try. [grabs bottle] See, you've really got to shake it. Shake it! (skaking bottle violently) Shake it till it gets loose! Damn this! Why won't the ketchup come out?!?
Barry: Louise! [grabs ketchup bottle back] That's my bottle of ketchup, there.
[Doorbell rings, Barry answers, it's aquitted wife killer OJ Simpson]
OJ: He-Hey, Barry, what's happening, man?
Barry: OJ!
OJ: Yeah, how you doing?
Barry: OJ, what- what are you doing here?
OJ: Look, I just, ah, wanted to come by and thank you for getting me acquitted, man. Thanks a lot. [gives Barry a quick hug]
Barry: Ahaha, yeah, well, no problem. Okay, see you later.
OJ: Hey, uh, who's the hottie?
Barry: The hottie? That- that's a nanny.
OJ: (laughs) Yeah, right.
Louise: (still struggling with the ketchup) ...the damn ketchup out of the bottle!
OJ: Oh, here, let me see that. You know, you need to stick something in there.
[OJ pulls out a knife and begins pushing it into the bottle]
Barry: OJ, gimme the knife now! OJ!
OJ: Now, wait a minute. Hold on one second, my hands get sweaty when I'm working. [put's on a black glove] Yeah, that'll do it! Oh, yes, yes, yes!
[Doorbell rings, Barry answers, it's serial Unabomber Ted Kazsinsky]
Ted: Mr. Scheck?
Barry: (frightened) Ah!
Ted: Hi, I'm- I'm Ted Kazsinski, you know, the Unabomber?
Barry: Yeah, yeah, I know who you are.
Ted: How the hell are ya?
Barry: Ha ha...uh... I'm fine. What do you want?
Ted: Well, my trial's just getting started and I need a good lawyer. What do you say?
Barry: Ah, uh, yeah, well, you know, uh... The thing is, ah, you know, my schedule's really tight right now and, I...
Ted: Hey, that isn't a computer over there, is it?
Barry: Oh, yes - NO!
Ted: Oh, good. Okay. Oh, oh that reminds me, Barry, I brought you something.
[Ted hands Barry a package]
Barry: DAH! You just hold onto that.
Ted: Okay, okay. Look, I'm just gonna go mingle.
Barry: Ah, mingle.
Ted: Hey, Juice, what're you doing?
OJ: Ah, I'm just trying to get the ketchup out of this bottle.
Ted: Is it Heinz?
OJ: Yeah.
Ted: Well, look on the side of the bottle and tap the "57."
OJ: Oh.
Louise: (using a martini shaker) Does anyone want a martini?
Barry: Louise! For God's sake!
[Doorbell rings]
Barry: My martini shaker!
[Barry answers door, it's Oklahoma City bombing accomplice Terry Nichols]
Terry: How are you, Mr. Scheck. Terry Nichols, here.
Barry: Oh, yeah.
Terry: Yeah, I came to see if you'd, uh, represent me...
Barry: Oh!
Terry: ...in the Oklahoma City bombing trial.
Barry: Yeah, well I'm kind of busy with the, uh, Unabomber.
Ted: Hey, Terry, can you help us get the ketchup out of the bottle, here?
Terry: Sure, got any ammonium nitrate and fertilizer?
[Louise, Ted, and OJ laugh]
OJ: (with ketchup spilled all over his white shirt) I sure made a mess of this ketchup! Barry, you wanna get rid of this for me? [hands Barry the knife]
[Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" begins playing. The background lights go down, and Barry steps into a spotlight.]
Barry: Ah, well, I'll never forget that magical night. Laughing and singing with Terry Nichols, OJ, the British nanny, and the Unabomber. We became the best of friends. Then when I wake up the next morning, I realize my wife had been stabbed, my baby had been shaken, and my house had been blown up twice. You know, some people might call that a tragedy, but I call it four new clients. And four new friends.
