List of Characters:
Norm MacDonald - Random Car Accident Victim
Ana Gasteyer - Norm's Wife
Sylvester Stallone (Host) - Himself
Will Ferrell - Paramedic
Jim Breuer - The Other Driver

Added to site: March 24, 2002.

Stallone's Movies Suck - September 27th, 1997

[stock footage of a car accident]

Sylvester Stallone: Oh my God, is everyone all right?

[Sylvester Stallone runs up to accident scene]

Ana: Someone help, help!

[The other driver runs up]

Driver: Oh my god, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you!

Stallone: Come on come on go! Go get an ambulance, please!

Driver: Hey, aren’t you Sylvester Stalone?

Stallone: Yes yes yes, come on, come on, come on.

[The other driver runs off]

Sir, are you all right?

Norm: Ahhh ahhh. What happened?

Stallone: Oh, well- well, You're all right sir, now everything is going to be fine- fine.

Norm: I saw a white light and I felt this inner peace. I thought I was going to heaven. But, then that guy from that horrible movie "Rhinestone" showed up.

Stallone: What?

Ana: It’s Sly Stalone, he’s trying to help us.

Stallone: Look, you’ll be fine, you’re just a little shaken up, ok?

Norm: Ahhh great! I don't know what is worse, being in this accident, or being helped by the star of “Judge Dredd”.

Stallone: Don’t move, there’s an ambulance coming, please.

Ana: Thank you very much you're very kind.

Norm: Ah, He’s not that kind. Did you see Cobra?

Stallone: Ah, you know. That movie actually got very screwed up in the, ah- editing room-


Stallone: What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong?

Norm: I just remembered "Staying Alive"! Ahhh!

Stallone: Oh, come on.

Ana: Listen, he’s just trying to be nice.

Stallone: Ok, fine. How are you doing madam?

Ana: My arm hurts.

Stallone: Oh really? Can you move your fingers?

Ana: Ohhh god! “Paradise Alley” Sucked! I’m sorry. I didn't mean to say that.

Norm: Ahhh, don't be sorry the guy stole two hours of your life.

Stallone: Ah come on! That’s enough. I'm trying to help you!

Norm: Ah, I'm getting- I'm getting dizzy from the blood loss.

Stallone: Well ok, let me just me just put the pressure on that. That’s right. You’re going to be ok. You’re going to be ok.

Norm: I'm bleeding pretty badly here.

Stallone: Everything is going to be fine. I'm here for you.

Norm: Let me ask you something?

Stallone: Hmmm?

Norm: What were you thinking when you made "Over the Top"?

Stallone: What?

Norm: "Over the Top"? I mean, you had to arm wrestle a guy for the custody of your son for god sake!

Stallone: Just save your energy!

Norm: I mean, did you actually get that script and go around telling people, “Hey this is a good one!”

Stallone: Oh come on just drop it. Please!

Norm: No. No. You're right, you know, it was an excellent movie now that I think about it. After all, you know, it does combine the emotional drama of a... of a custody child hearing with a... arm wrestling!

Stallone: That’s enough!

Norm: Whoa hey, hey remember that movie “Kramer vs. Kramer”?

Stallone: Yes, uhmm hmm.

Norm: That movie was about child custody too. But it wasn’t that good. It was- I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t- Oh wait, I know… arm wrestling!

Stallone: Shut up! [Stallone punches Norm]

[The paramedics arrive with the other driver]

Paramedic: Hey! Hey, what the hell are you doing? You're punching car accident victims!

Stallone: No, no, no, you don't understand. He was bad-mouthing my films!

Paramedic: The man is injured and he happens to think “Tango and Cash” is jackass? So you hit him?

Stallone: No, He didn’t mention “Tango and Cash”, ok?

Ana: Please somebody please just help my husband!

Norm: Ahhhh!

Driver: I think this guy’s dying.

Paramedic: All right, all right, everyone clear! I'm losing him.

Norm: Stop, Stop, "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot", sucked.

Paramedic: What- what did he say?

Driver: I couldn’t hear him.

Ana: Did you hear him?

Stallone: Yeah.

Paramedic: What did he say?

Stallone: [mumbles] "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot" sucked.

Paramedic: Wait, wait wait. Everyone Shhh! Shhh! What did he say?

Stallone: He said Stop or My Mom Shoot SUCKED!

Ana: It’s ok. Listen, you comforted my husband in the last minutes of his life. That’s a noble thing. Don’t let “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” mare that experience.

Paramedic: Wait, wait, wait everyone, he’s holding on to something. It’s- it’s a video tape. It’s- it’s “Rambo”.

[He pulls a video tape out of Norm’s hands]

I guess he liked your work after all.

Stallone: Really? That really means a lot to me.

Paramedic: Oh wait- wait. Actually, no, it’s a- it’s a porn film, it’s "Rambone". It’s "Rambone"! All right, let’s clear out everyone, nothing to see. Do- do you want this? [hands the tape to Stallone] Yeah, you can have that.

Transcribed by: casey
Provided by: steve