A MINUTE WITH STAN
HOOPER
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. TV STUDIO – NIGHT
(BRAD)
BRAD EDWARDS, HOST OF “NEWSLINE,” SITS IN A
DIRECTOR’S CHAIR IN FRONT OF A BLUE SCREEN WHICH HAS A PICTURE OF STAN HOOPER.
BRAD
As always, we close “Newsline” with “A Minute With Stan
Hooper.”
CUT TO:
INT. RUSTIC CABIN SET – SAME TIME
(STAN, MOLLY, TODD)
STAN HOOPER, A MODERN DAY WILL ROGERS, SITS IN AN
EASY CHAIR BESIDE A ROARING FIRE WITH OLD RED, AN IRISH SETTER.
STAN
(SMILING TO CAMERA) Tonight marks ten years that I’ve been
coming to you for a minute every week, bringing you stories that may not make
the front page of the papers, but they make up the fabric of America. Real
stories. About real people. Like Backporch Betty, the lady from Angus, Iowa,
who makes pies for hobos. Or Lebert Delaney of Corn Creek, Nebraska, who every
year raises the biggest pig in the county, but can’t bear to send it to
slaughter. Today, Lebert houses over forty-eight thousand pounds of happy
pork. The trouble is, I’ve been brining you these real stories from this set
in Studio 6, in mid-town Manhattan. And that feels a little less than honest
to me. So, tonight when I leave here, my wife Molly and I…
HE LOOKS OVER AT MOLLY STANDING OFF-CAMERA – SWEET,
UNFAILINGLY SUPPORTIVE. HE MOTIONS FOR HER TO JOIN HIM BUT SHE’S SHY. HE’S
INSISTENT, HOWEVER, AND SHE FINALLY AGREES.
STAN (CONT’D)
(PUTTING AN ARM AROUND HER)… Molly and I are packing up and
moving to the kind of little town I’ve been talking about all these years. (TO
MOLLY) A place that has special meaning for us. (TO CAMERA) I’ll still be
coming to you live every week, but I’ll be coming to you live from Waterford
Falls, Wisconsin, with a more honest minute. Until then, goodnight.
STAN AND MOLLY WALK OFF ARM-IN-ARM, LEAVING OLD RED LOOKING
CONFUSED. IN A SECOND THEY RETURN.
STAN (CONT’D)
Oh, this isn’t our dog, either. (POINTING OFF CAMERA) He
belongs to that guy. But when Molly and I get to our new home, we’re going to
have a dog of our own, I promise you.
THEY WALK OFF AGAIN, WHERE MOLLY GIVES HIM A KISS.
MOLLY
You were wonderful.
TODD, HIS 24 YEAR OLD PRODUCER, APPROACHES.
TODD
You’re making a megaton mistake. If there’s one thing I’ve
learned from my years in this business, you don’t screw with success.
MOLLY
Ten years of living a lie is long enough. He’s burned out,
Todd.
TODD
He works a minute a week! For ten years, that’s eight
hours. That’s one day! Who burns out in a day?
MOLLY
(TO STAN) He has a point.
STAN
Honey, I work a lot more than just this minute. It takes me
hours to come up with a minute a week.
MOLLY
(GENTLY) I know, but when you say that to other people you
sound dumb.
TODD
Well, if this doesn’t work and you want to come back later,
remember what I told you.
STAN
That door is locked.
TODD
And somebody swallowed the key.
TODD PATS HIM ON THE BACK AND WALKS OFF, LEAVING STAN WITH
HIS IRREVOCABLE DECISION.
FADE OUT:
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE
ACT ONE
SCENE A
FADE IN:
EXT. WISCONSIN HIGHWAY – SEVERAL DAYS LATER
THE HOOPER’S CAR AND U-HAUL PASS A BILLBOARD READING
“WELCOME TO WATERFORD FALLS” AND BELOW THAT, “HOME OF CHEESE.”
INT. PETERESON BOY’S DINER – SAME DAY
(STAN, MOLLY, PETE, LOU, ED, CHELSEA, RYAN)
THE CENTRAL MEETING PLACE IN TOWN. EVENTUALLY, EVERYONE WHO
LIVES IN WATERFORD FALLS PASSES THROUGH HERE, BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO BEING A
DINER, IT IS ALSO THE POST OFFICE, GAS STATION, SOUVENIR SHOP, AND THE PLACE TO
BUY VIDEOS. OH, AND CHEESE. YOU CAN BUY IT BY THE SLICE, THE WEDGE, THE BLOCK
OR THE BARREL. YOU CAN ALSO BUY IT SCULPTED INTO A VARIETY OF FARM ANIMALS,
WHICH ARE ON DISPLAY.
THE DINER IS PRESENTLY EMPTY AS STAN AND MOLLY ENTER,
BOTH INSTANTLY CAPTIVATED.
STAN
Wow, look at this place. It’s exactly like I remember it.
MOLLY
I know. Nothing’s changed in fifteen years.
SHE INSPECTS A BLOCK OF CHEESE.
MOLLY (CONT’D)
Just checking to see if the date on the cheese has changed.
(RELEIEVED) It has.
STAN
This is the vanishing America, Molly. Unspoiled by fast
food or trendy wine bars. I bet these people never even heard of cappuccino.
I could do the show live from right here.
HE SUDDENLY LOOKS CONCERNED.
MOLLY
What’s the matter?
STAN
What if my being a celebrity and doing the show from here
spoils this place? I don’t want to do that. I just want to be a common man.
MOLLY
(SUPPORTIVELY) You are, honey. You’re as common as they
come.
STAN
Right, I mean, it’s really important that these people think
of me as just Stan Hooper, and not… (ARMS OUTSTRETCHED) “STAN HOOPER!”
MOLLY NODS AS PETE PETERSON, BURLY, EARLY 30’S, HAIR
PLUGS, ENTERS FROM THE BACK IN A WHITE T-SHIRT AND APRON.
PETE
Hey, folks. What can I do you for?
STAN
(HAPPILY TO MOLLY) “What can I do you for?” I love that.
(TO PETE) Couple o’ cups o’ joe.
PETE
Two cappuccinos comin’ up.
STAN
(SURPRISED) No, not cappuccinos. Joe.
PETE
Espresso?
STAN
No, just regular joe.
PETE
(CALLING; DISAPPOINTED) Two Macadamia Nut coffees, hold the
fun!
STAN
Don’t you just have regular coffee?
PETE
That is our regular coffee. (PROUDLY) We went to Hawaii
last year. So, where you folks from?
MOLLY
New York.
PETE
(CHEERFULLY) Oh. You lost?
STAN
No, we’re going to make Waterford Falls our home.
PETE
(AS BEFORE) Oh. Hiding out?
STAN
No, this is the kind of place we’ve always talked about
living. (AS IF IT’S OBVIOUS) I’m Stan Hooper.
MOLLY
But don’t think of him as… (ARMS OUTSTRETCHED) “STAN HOOPER!”
As far as you’re concerned, he’s just Stan Hooper.
PETE
(BEAT) Gotcha.
MOLLY
And I’m Molly Hooper.
PETE
Pete Peterson.
LOU, EARLY 30’S, TALL WITH HAIR PLUGS, COMES OUT BACK
WITH TWO COFFEES.
LOU
(RE: COFFEES) Two party poopers. You people want a wedge
with that?
STAN
No, thanks.
PETE
Lou, meet our new neighbors. This is Molly and – what was
your name again? I know it’s “just” something.
STAN
Stan. Stan Hooper.
LOU
Lou Petersen. Now where have I seen you before?
STAN
(MODEST BUT PLEASED) Television. But that doesn’t mean
anything. I’m just like the rest of you.
PETE
(IMPRESSED) Not if you’ve been on tv, you’re not.
LOU
It wasn’t TV.
STAN
Yeah, it was. I’m on “Newsline.”
LOU
What’s that?
STAN
What’s “Newsline”? It’s the highest-rated primetime news
show in America. I do a segment – “A Minute With Stan Hooper” – every week.
PETE
Don’t get upset. If you say you’re on television, we
believe you.
ED THE POSTMAN ENTERS, LIMPING AND LUGGING HIS
MAILBAG.
ED
Pay your damn parking ticket, will you, Pete? I’m tired of
carrying around your past due notices.
HE SLAPS THEIR MAIL ON THE COUNTER AND SITS.
ED (CONT’D)
Gimme an iced mocha supreme with whipped cream and a cherry.
LOU
Cinnamon sprinkles?
ED
Yeah, bring it all on.
PETE
Hey, Ed, wanna meet a celebrity?
ED
Sure.
PETE
Meet Stan Hooper.
ED
Who?
PETE
(TO STAN) Show him your face.
STAN, A LITTLE HUMILIATED, TURNS TO ED.
PETE (CONT’D)
He’s on tv. What’s that show again?
STAN
“Newsline”. I do “A Minute With Stan Hooper” at the end.
ED
When’s it on?
MOLLY
Wednesdays at nine.
ED
Same time as “The Wisconsin Farm Report.”
PETE
No wonder no one’s seen it.
STAN
A lot of people have seen it. Some week when the price of
pork bellies is down and you want to watch something to make you feel good
about yourselves, maybe you’ll see it, too.
ED
Don’t think so.
MOLLY
Honey, this is great. No one knows who you are.
LOU
I still feel like I’ve seen your face.
STAN
(SNAPPING) Well, you haven’t. (THEN QUICKLY:) Let’s just
drop it, huh?
CHELSEA, 17 AND HOT, WITH A BUNDLE OF ENERGY, RUNS
IN.
CHELSEA
Sorry I’m late. I had a make-up test.
PETE
How’d you do?
CHELSEA
My teacher says I’m still too heavy on the lip gloss.
PETE
(TO STAN AND MOLLY) Chelsea’s studying to be a beautician.
Hey, Chels, meet a real, live celebrity. This is Stan Hooper.
CHELSEA
(UNSURE) Hello.
STAN
You don’t know who I am. It’s okay.
PETE
He’s on a show called “Newsline”. He does a minute with
himself. (TO STAN) Now when you say a minute, that’s just the title, right?
You do more than a minute.
STAN
No, just the one minute.
ED
What do you do the rest of the week?
STAN
I work on what I’m going to say for the minute.
THEY JUST LOOK AT HIM. MOLLY GENTLY SHAKES HER HEAD,
INDICATING HE SHOULDN’T SAY THAT.
PETE
(UPBEAT) Well, nice work if you can get it.
CHELSEA
So, what brings you to Waterford Falls?
PETE
They’re moving here.
MOLLY
Stan’s going to do his show from here. He might even do it
from this diner.
PETE
Hey, how ‘bout that? Any chance you can change the night
your show’s on?
STAN
No.
ED
Too bad. If you’re doing a show from Waterford Falls, seems
you’d want the people from Waterford Falls to see it.
MOLLY
Well, the show’s not the reason we’re moving here. We’ve
always wanted to live in Waterford Falls. Stan and I passed through on our
honeymoon and thought it was the most charming place we’d ever seen. It’s been
a dream of ours to live here ever since.
STAN
We ate in this very diner. Camped on the riverbank…
MOLLY
And that night, we made love under the canopy of the biggest
old oak tree we’d ever seen.
LOU
That’s where I saw you!
STAN
What?
LOU
I was out crawfishing and I remember seeing you two under
that tree.
STAN
No…
LOU
Yeah, you had a mustache back then.
STAN
Good Lord…
LOU
You were a very gentle lover, as I recall.
MOLLY PATS STAN AFFECTIONATELY. HE LOOKS AT HER, AGHAST.
LOU (CONT’D)
That must’ve been fifteen years ago.
MOLLY
(IMPRESSED) What a memory you have.
PETE
Oh, this guy’s got a beautiful mind.
RYAN HAWKINS, 18, WITH MIDWESTERN GOOD LOOKS AND THE
REBEL SOUL OF JAMES DEAN, ENTERS WITH A FRESH SUPPLY OF CHEESE
SCULPTURES.
PETE (CONT’D)
Hey, Ryan. You’ll know this guy. You’re into tv.
PETE SWIVELS STAN’S STOOL, SO STAN IS FACING RYAN. STAN’S
NOT USED TO SUFFERING THIS HUMILIATION. RYAN JUST LOOKS AT HIM FOR A BEAT,
SPEECHLESS. THEN:
RYAN
STAN HOOPER!
STAN
(LOOKING UP) You know me??
RYAN
“A Minute With Stan Hooper!” The best minute on
television! They should give you two, you’re that good.
STAN
(PLEASED) You think so?
RYAN
(TO THE OTHERS) Every week he comes on for a minute and
tells these amazing stories about ordinary people, and it’s like, profound.
STAN
Well, I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say “profound.”
MOLLY
(INNOCENTLY) You have.
RYAN
Man, what are you doing here?
CHELSEA
He’s going to be living here.
PETE
And doing his show from here.
RYAN
No way! Could I meet your crew? To pick their brains, I
mean. I want to be a documentary filmmaker some day.
STAN
I’m not going to have a crew. All I need is a cameraman.
I’m just going to use somebody local.
RYAN
Use me! I’ve got a camera.
STAN
(AMUSED) Well, I need a little more than a home video
recorder.
RYAN
I’ve got an XLS with 3CCD pixel-shift technology, four
channel digital audio, and super range optical image stabilizer. Is that enough?
STAN
Considering it’s just me in a chair, that should be enough,
yeah.
RYAN
So I have the job?
STAN
Well, I did say I’d hire somebody local, but I don’t think
the network was counting on me hiring a kid.
RYAN
It’s not like I’m a virgin.
CHELSEA
(EMBARRASSED) Ryan!
RYAN
I meant in the “professional” sense.
CHELSEA
(MORE EMBARRASSED) Oh.
THEY ALL SHARE AN UNCOMFORTABLE LOOK.
RYAN
I’ve got sample of my work if you’d like to see it.
STAN
Yeah, maybe I should. To be responsible.
RYAN
Where are you staying? I’ve shot over 900 hours of people
in town. I’ll bring it to you.
STAN
On second thought, I trust my instincts. I don’t need to
see 900 hours of footage. Job’s yours.
RYAN
All right! Now I can finally tell em’ they can take their
job at the cheese plant and stuff it!
CHELSEA
Yes!
THRILLED, HE RACES OUT – THEN TURNS BACK AND GIVES CHELSEA A
BIG WHIPPING KISS IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY BEFORE HE LEAVES.
CHELSEA (CONT’D)
(TO STAN) Thank you!
CHELSEA HAPPILY GOES OFF TO THE BACK AS STAN LOOKS CONFUSED.
STAN
What’d I do??
PETE
Chelsea’s not “cheese” people. Now that you’ve hired Ryan,
he’s not either. He’s as common as you. You set him free.
MOLLY
(PROUDLY) We just got here and you’re already helping
people.
ED
So, where you folks staying? As your mailman, it’s my right
to know.
STAN
The hotel, probably.
ED
There’s no hotel.
STAN
Or motel, whatever.
ED
No motel.
STAN
What do people use?
ED
To have sex, they generally just go out under the old oak
tree.
STAN
Suppose we just want a place to sleep until we find a place
to live?
PETE
Oh, finding a place to live shouldn’t take any time at all.
PETE PUTS ON A TIGHT-FITTING GOLD BLAZER.
PETE (CONT’D)
You’re talking to the town realtor. I know every piece of
property for sale or lease within ten miles of here.
MOLLY
(ENTHUSED) Great!
PETE
(LEADING THEM OUT) There’s two. And one of them is haunted.
OFF STAN AND MOLLY’S LOOK AS THEY FOLLOW PETE OUT…
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE B
INT. WATERFORD FALLS HOUSE – A SHORT WHILE
LATER
(STAN, PETE, MOLLY, GARY, FRED, RYAN, CHELSEA)
A WARM, TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY TWO-STORY WHITE CLAPBOARD HOUSE
ON A RIVER, SURROUNDED ON THREE SIDES BY A BIG PORCH – THIS IS THE
QUINTESSENTIAL MID-AMERICAN HOME. STAN AND MOLLY ENTER DOWN THE STAIRS,
FOLLOWED BY PETE.
STAN
Wow, what a house.
PETE
It was built by the founder of Waterford Falls. Been in the
family ever since.
MOLLY
I can’t believe it’s for rent.
PETE
Mr. Waterford prefers to have the place occupied while he’s
away.
STAN
Where is he?
PETE
Prison. Some tax thing. I don’t understand it. I just
know the place is available for five-to-ten years.
MOLLY
(TO STAN; EXCITED) It’s like the house we’ve always dreamed
of.
STAN
I know, but it’s owned by a felon. How do we feel about
somebody profiting while they’re doing time?
PETE
I can show you the other house. They say the walls bleed.
STAN
I guess a tax thing isn’t like committing a violent crime,
right?
PETE
Am I hearing a yes?
STAN
How much we talking about?
PETE
It’s not cheap.
STAN
How much?
PETE
It’s not cheap.
STAN
How much?
PETE
But the price includes furnishing, utilities, the whole
she-bang. You could move in tonight.
STAN
How much?
PETE
(WINCING) Five hundred.
STAN
(FLABBERGASTED) A month?!
PETE
(DON’T HIT ME) Four hundred.
STAN
No, I’m not negotiating.
PETE
Three-fifty.
STAN
You don’t understand. I’m not negotiating.
PETE
Okay, tell me what you’ll pay!
STAN
I’ll pay five hundred.
PETE
A month?!
STAN
Yes.
PETE
Have it your way. Seems like a lot of hagglin’ for nothin’.
GARY JAMISON, MIDDLE-AGED, WEARING A FLANNEL SHIRT
AND BLUE JEANS, ENTERS FROM THE BACK, CARRYING A BOUQUET OF FRESH-CUT
FLOWERS.
GARY
(FRIENDLY) Hey, Pete. Saw your car out front. Are these
the folks looking to rent the house?
STAN
We just did it. (OFFERING HIS HAND) Stan Hooper, my wife
Molly.
GARY
Gary Jamison, your butler.
STAN
What?
PETE
Oh, I forgot the best part. The house comes with a butler.
STAN
We don’t need a butler.
GARY
Who’s going to draw your bath?
STAN
We’ll draw our own bath. I don’t even take baths. I’m just
a regular guy.
GARY
Regular guy with a butler.
STAN
I don’t have a butler.
GARY
Yes you do.
PETE
If you want to live here. Mr. Waterford insists.
GARY SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY.
MOLLY
(TO STAN) It’ll be fine. Besides, the house with the
bleeding walls doesn’t sound as nice.
PETE
I’ll draw up the lease.
PETE EXITS.
GARY
I’ll unpack your bags. How do you folks like your underwear
folded?
STAN
Don’t touch our underwear. Look, fine, you’re the butler.
But I don’t want you doing anything for us, okay?
GARY
(DEFIANTLY) Well, I’m going to. I’m going to get you tea
right now.
STAN
We don’t want tea!
GARY
(EXITING) Well, you’re getting it.
STAN LOOKS HELPLESSLY TO MOLLY.
MOLLY
You don’t have to drink it.
GARY (OFF STAGE)
Yes you do!
THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
STAN
(AS HE GOES TO ANSWER IT) I hate this.
AS STAN REACHES FOR THE DOORKNOB, GARY SUDDENLY REAPPEARS.
GARY
(ACCUSINGLY) What are you doing?
STAN THROWS UP HIS HANDS AND BACKS AWAY SO GARY CAN DO HIS
JOB AND OPEN THE DOOR. STANDING BEFORE THEM IS SMILINGLY AFFABLE FRED
HAWKINS, WITH RYAN SULKING BESIDE HIM.
FRED
(FRIENDLY) Hey, Gare.
GARY
(FRIENDLY) Hey, Fred. Ryan.
FRED
I’m here to see Mr. Hooper.
GARY
Sure, come on in. (CONTRITELY) That’s him. Announcing Fred
Hawkins.
STAN
(EQUALLY CONTRITE) Thank you.
GARY
(FRIENDLY) You guys want tea?
FRED
If everybody else is.
GARY
(POINTEDLY) They are.
GARY EXITS TO THE KITCHEN.
FRED
(FRIENDLY) I understand you met Ryan this afternoon. This
is for you.
HE HANDS THEM A BLOCK OF CARVED CHEESE THAT SAYS “WELCOME TO
WATERFORD FALLS”
MOLLY
Oh, how thoughtful.
STAN
Yeah, Ryan seems like a nice young man.
FRED
(CHUCKLING) Well, yeah, and we want to keep him that way.
That’s why I was a little surprised when he came to the plant and told me he
was forsaking the family business to go to work for you.
STAN
Oh, I didn’t realize cheese was the family business.
FRED
Yeah, we’ve owned the plant for three generations. They
call me “The Big Cheese.” We always get a good laugh out of that.
FRED AND MOLLY LAUGH. STAN JUST LOOKS AT HER.
FRED (CONT’D)
Anyway, Ryan’s our only son. Naturally, we were breeding
him to be fourth generation. We could breed his sister but she’s no – what’s
the word I’m looking for? That real smart guy.
RYAN
Einstein.
FRED
Einstein, that’s the one. She’s no Einstein. (INDICATING
RYAN) See?
STAN
But if Ryan’s not interested in cheese…
FRED
If he’s not interested in cheese, it’s because he’s had his
head turned by some dandy from New York. No offense.
STAN
I’m no dandy.
MOLLY
(IN DEFENSE) He’s as common as dirt.
STAN
(WITH A LOOK TO MOLLY) Look, Mr. Hawkins, I don’t know what
you want me to do…
FRED
I want you to tell him he has no talent. Crush his dreams
once and for all. (PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND RYAN) I’ve tried to tell him, but
you know kids. They don’t listen to their old man. They need to be broken by
someone they admire.
CHELSEA RUNS IN FROM OUTSIDE.
CHELSEA
Ryan, what’s going on?
RYAN
What are you doing here?
CHELSEA
Your father is trying to get you to go back, isn’t he? I
was cleaning the greasepan when I saw you drive by.
FRED
(PRIVATELY) And tell him to dump waitress girl while you’re
at it.
RYAN
Her name is Chelsea.
FRED
(TO RYAN) Why don’t you take your little friend outside on
the porch? I want to talk in private.
RYAN
(PROTECTIVELY) Come on, Chels.
THEY STEP OUTSIDE, SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.
MOLLY
They seem sweet together.
FRED
Oh, I don’t have anything against the girl personally, but
the boy shouldn’t be with someone who serves cheese.
FRED (CONT’D)
He should be with someone who comes from cheese –
who’s comfortable with the things cheese can buy.
STAN
Mr. Hawkins, I’m not comfortable having this conversation.
I didn’t come here to get involved in your family’s problems.
FRED
You’re tearing us apart, Hooper. You’re shredding us like
mozzarella.
STAN
All I did was give your kid a job! If you don’t want him to
take it, fine, but I’m not firing him.
FRED
I see where you’re coming from. (PULLING OUT A CHECKBOOK)
Let me write you a check for a thousand dollars.
MOLLY
You’re trying to bribe him??
FRED
Call it first and last months’ rent. (OFF THEIR LOOKS)
Okay, it was a shot. Look, we’re both gentlemen. Let’s settle this like
gentlemen.
FRED PUTS AWAY HIS CHECKBOOK AND PULLS OUT A LEATHER CIGAR
HOLDER FROM HIS BREAST POCKET. IT HOLDS PIECES OF STRING CHEESE LIKE FINE
CIGARS. HE OFFERS ONE TO STAN.
STAN
No thanks.
FRED
Peace offering.
MOLLY
Stan can’t eat cheese. He’s lactose intolerant.
FRED
What’s that?
STAN
I’m allergic to diary products.
FRED
(FRIENDLY) What’s the worse that could happen?
STAN
Cardiac arrest. I could die.
FRED
(CONSIDERING; THEN SMILING) C’mon, one little piece. (OFF
STAN’S LOOK) Okay, I won’t force you. So where do we stand, Stan?
STAN
I told you. I’m not going to tell your son he has no
talent. What if he does? And I’m not telling him to dump Chelsea.
FRED
(PUTTING HIS CHEESE AWAY) Then we have nothing to say to
each other. (CALLING) Gary, I’m leaving!
FRED STANDS AND WAITS FOR GARY TO COME OPEN THE DOOR.
STAN
Try to understand my position.
FRED
I didn’t get where I am today by understanding the other
fellow’s position.
GARY ENTERS CARRYING A TEA TRAY AND OPENS THE
FRONT DOOR. RYAN AND CHELSEA ARE STANDING THERE.
FRED (CONT’D)
If you want to control my son’s life, you be his father.
Let him move in with you, I don’t care. I was my hands of the whole affair.
STAN
Wait—
FRED EXITS PAST RYAN AND CHELSEA.
STAN (CONT’D)
(CALLING) I don’t want him to move in with us!
GARY
We’ve got the room.
STAN SHOOTS A LOOK AT GARY.
STAN
And I don’t want to be his father!
CHELSEA
(TO RYAN) If they won’t let you stay here, you can move in
with me and mom.
RYAN
You and your mom live in a camper, Chels. Where would I
sleep?
CHELSEA
Up front in the cab, with me. Mom got new sheepskin
slipcovers, so it’s real luxurious now.
STAN
That sounds nice.
MOLLY
Come on, Stan, he can stay here until this blows over, can’t
he? His dad won’t stay mad forever. Besides, it might be fun. We don’t have
kids of our own.
STAN
Have you ever heard me complaining about that?
MOLLY’S EYES PLEAD WITH STAN TO LET RYAN STAY.
STAN (CONT’D)
Okay, fine, you can stay. But just until you work things
out at home. I didn’t come here to get involved in your family’s craziness.
And I’m not going to be your father, either. I came here to live a typical,
small town, middle-class life and darn it, that’s what I’m going to do.
GARY
Tea is served.
OFF STAN’S LOOK…
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE C
FADE IN:
INT. STAN AND MOLLY’S BEDROOM – THAT NIGHT
(STAN, GARY, MOLLY)
GARY IS TURNING DOWN THEIR SHEETS AND FLUFFING THEIR PILLOWS
AS HE PREPARES THEIR ROOM. HE SETS OUT MINTS, THEN TOSSES ROSE PETALS ON THE
BED AS STAN AND MOLLY ENTER IN PAJAMAS, SURPRISED TO FIND HIM.
STAN
What are you doing?
GARY
Getting your bed ready.
STAN
I don’t want roses in my bed. And I don’t want mints on my
pillow. We don’t live like this, Gary.
GARY
Yes you do.
STAN
We do not! (TO MOLLY) This isn’t going to work.
MOLLY
It’s a period of adjustment.
STAN
We came here to live a simple life.
GARY
Well, you came to the wrong place.
STAN SHOOTS A LOOK AT GARY.
MOLLY
(TO STAN) It’s going to be a wonderful life, but every place
has things you have to get used to.
STAN
A butler?
GARY
I’ll be in my quarters if you need me.
MOLLY
Where are you quarters?
STAN
Why would we need him??
GARY
Right next door.
STAN
The house has five bedrooms!
GARY
Yes, and mine is next to yours.
MOLLY
(OFF STAN’S LOOK) It’ll be fine. (TO GARY) I don’t think
we’ll need you, but thanks.
GARY
Well, if you do, just say my name. I have hearing like a
German Shepherd.
STAN GLARES AS GARY EXITS, SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
MOLLY
(AFTER A BEAT) You all right?
STAN
No. One day here and I’ve got a butler I don’t want, I’ve
got a kid living in my basement. I’ve pissed off “The Big Cheese”…
MOLLY
You’re in a beautiful old house with a great big porch by a
scenic river. With a woman who adores you. What say we christen this old
house like we christened that old oak tree?
SHE WALKS ON HER KNEES ACROSS THE BED AND KISSES HIM. THE
SPRINGS IN THE BED CREEK.
GARY (OFF STAGE)
(FROM HIS ROOM) If this is going to be every night, I may
have to move to another room!
SEIZING THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY, STAN SUDDENLY JUMPS UP AND
DOWN ON THE BED LIKE A MAN POSSESSED.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE D
INT. DINER – A FEW DAYS LATER
(STAN, RYAN, MOLLY, TERI, LOU, FRED, PETE, CHELSEA)
THE DINER IS LIT FOR STAN’S FIRST MINUTE FROM WATERFORD FALLS.
RYAN IS RUNNING A VIDEO CHECK. A HANDFUL OF TOWNSPEOPLE, INCLUDING ED, ARE
WATCHING WITH CURIOSITY. STAN SITS ON ONE OF THE COUNTER STOOLS FACING THE
CAMERA.
STAN
How does it look?
RYAN
I’m getting a flare off the cappuccino machine. I’ll fix
it.
STAN
I don’t want to see a cappuccino machine in the shot
anyway. This is supposed to be down home middle America.
RYAN HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN AS MOLLY STICKS HER HEAD OUT
THROUGH THE ORDER WINDOW.
MOLLY
Pete and Lou want to know if they should wear make-up?
STAN
No.
MOLLY
Not even eyeliner?
STAN
No, I want them to look natural. That’s the whole point.
MOLLY
(CALLING) He says no. Take it off, guys. Sorry, Chelsea.
MOLLY DUCKS BACK OUT. TERI, A CHEAP BLONDE IN TIGHT
PANTS AND HIGH HEELS, STEPS OUT FROM THE CROWD.
TERI
Pete, Lou! Can I have a glass of wine?
LOU (OFF STAGE)
We don’t serve wine.
TERI
Then can I just have a glass?
LOU (OFF STAGE)
Help yourself.
SHE PULLS OUT A HALF-BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE FROM HER BIG
PURSE, UNSCREWS THE CAP, AND POURS THE CONTENTS INTO A WATER GLASS.
TERI
(TO STAN) We haven’t met. I’m Teri, Chelsea’s mom. Thanks
for giving Ryan this job. It means a lot to us. With any luck, we’ll be
hearing wedding bells soon.
STAN
Wedding bells? You don’t think they’re a little young to be
thinking of marriage?
TERI
Not if they’re happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to
push her out. I’d miss waking up in the afternoon knowing she wouldn’t be
sleeping in the front seat that night, but that’s just the mother in me.
TERI HEADS BACK INTO THE CROWD AS FRED ENTERS WITH AN
ATTRACTIVE BUT PERSONALITY-CHALLENGED YOUNG WOMAN.
FRED
So, this is the big-time show business – lights, camera, action.
I know the routine, but my daughter’s never seen anything like this. She was
real curious.
STAN LOOKS AT HER. THERE IS NO TRACE OF CURIOSITY – OR EVEN
A PULSE FOR THAT MATTER.
FRED (CONT’D)
(TO STAN) This is Marjorie, the one I was telling you
about. Someday she’ll be running the family business, God help us all.
STAN
Nice to meet you, Marjorie.
NOTHING.
FRED
She’s a little star-struck. (TO MARJORIE) Why don’t you get
yourself a gumball or something, sweetheart? Maybe you’ll get a yellow one
this time.
HE HANDS HER SOME CHANGE AND OFF SHE GOES.
FRED (CONT’D)
(TO STAN) Yellow’s her favorite color, as far as we can
tell.
STAN
So, what are you really doing here?
FRED
I told you.
STAN
I don’t think you came for Marjorie. I think you came for
Ryan.
FRED
Busted. Okay, the way I size it up, I’ve got two choices.
Respect my son’s decision or lose him forever.
STAN
I think you’re sizing it up right.
FRED
What would you do, Hooper? I’m torn.
STAN
You know what to do.
MARJORIE RETURNS. SHE SHOWS FRED TWO GUMBALLS, A GREEN AND
A RED.
FRED
Oh, that’s too bad honey. (TO STAN) Yeah, I know what to
do.
RYAN AND CHELSEA ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. THEY STOP
AS SOON AS THEY SEE HIS FATHER.
FRED (CONT’D)
Hey, there’s the young director and his little friend.
RYAN
Her name is Chelsea. What are you doing here?
FRED
Did I miss your first little league game? Did I miss your
first piano recital?
RYAN
Yeah.
FRED
Well, I’m a busy man.
RYAN
So, why’d you come today?
FRED
Your sister was badgering me to bring her down.
RYAN LOOKS AT HIS SISTER, WHO’S PRACTICALLY COMATOSE.
RYAN
(TO FRED) You’re not still mad at me?
FRED
Sure I am, but one of the things your mother and I pride ourselves
on is hiding our true feelings.
RYAN
Where is mom?
FRED
I thought I’d do everybody a favor and leave her home.
RYAN
Well, I’ve got a show to do.
FRED
Then you go do it. I’ll just get out of your way.
FRED BACKS UP, ALLOWING RYAN AND CHELSEA TO PASS. BUT AS
THEY DO, FRED SUDDENLY GRABS RYAN AND AWKWARDLY GIVES HIM A HUG. IT’S MADE
EVEN MORE AWKWARD BY THE FACT CHELSEA AND RYAN ARE PRACTICALLY GLUED TOGETHER.
FRED LITERALLY HAS TO PRY HIS WAY BETWEEN THEM. FRED PATS RYAN AND SENDS HIM
ON HIS WAY BEHIND THE CAMERA.
FRED (CONT’D)
(TO STAN) Heavy, huh?
STAN
(EXCITED) Yeah, but this is great. This is the way it
should be. He’ll move back home now and everything will be back to normal.
FRED
No chance, Hooper. I have a plan, a scheme. He’s going
through a rebellious stage. I figure he lives with you, he rebels against
you. Sooner or later, he leaves you and comes back to cheese. It’s perfect.
STAN
Yeah, but what if it doesn’t work and he lives with me
forever?
FRED
That’s a chance I’m willing to take. Now, if you’ll excuse
me, I’m going to keep up the charade and give him another hug.
FRED GOES OFF AS PETE, LOU AND MOLLY ENTER FROM THE
KITCHEN. PETE AND LOU HAVE SLICKED DOWN THEIR PLUGS AND ARE WEARING CLEAN
T-SHIRTS AND APRONS.
MOLLY
How do they look?
STAN
Fine. I guess.
PETE
Is it true the camera adds the pounds to you?
STAN
That’s what they say.
PETE
(SUCKING IN HIS CHEEKS) If I do this, does it help?
STAN
No.
RYAN
We’re counting down.
LOU
Tell us what you want us to do. We’ve never acted before.
STAN
I don’t want you to act. Just be natural. There’s no
script. The whole point of this is to show ordinary people just being
themselves and enjoying life’s simple pleasures.
LOU
Gotcha.
STAN
Here, sit on either side of me.
MOLLY
Good luck, honey.
MOLLY GIVES STAN A QUICK KISS AND DUCKS OUT OF FRAME.
CHELSEA
(TO RYAN) Good luck, honey.
CHELSEA GIVES RYAN A FRENCH KISS THAT LASTS WAY TOO LONG.
TERI
(SINCERELY) Isn’t that sweet?
STAN
Uh, where’s the count at?
RYAN
In five, four, three, two…
RYAN POINTS TO STAN.
STAN
(TO CAMERA) Welcome to Waterford Falls, Wisconsin, an
old-fashioned town of twelve hundred people, located along the Wisconsin River
in the heartland of America. An old-fashioned town I’m proud to call home. I
hope you’ll find tonight’s minute a more honest reflection of me and the kind
of people I hold dear. Next to me are Lou and Pete Petersen, owners of this
diner where we’re sitting. What makes them special? Just the fact that
they’re two brothers who work together, play together and who live together in
the house behind this diner. They’re the kind of people I like to call my
friends. You know, in this hurly- burly world, a brother is someone –
LOU
(TO CAMERA) Don’t mean to interrupt you there, Stan, but I
don’t know where you got the idea we were brothers.
STAN
(CAUGHT OFF GUARD) Oh, well, you’ve got the same last name.
I just assumed –
PETE
(PROUDLY) We’re married.
STAN
What?
LOU
Tied the knot last year in Hawaii. I took his name because
this modern idea of couples keeping their own name is a lot of bunk.
PETE
Call us old-fashioned.
STAN
Old-fashioned??
LOU
We were going to take my name because Pete’s never liked being
Pete Petersen, but my last name is Cockburn and –
STAN
Whoa, whoa here!
PETE
Yeah, we figured with two gay guys with the last name –
STAN
We got it!
LOU
We’d never hear the end of it.
STAN
(SWEATING) How much time, Ryan?
RYAN
We’re clear.
STAN
Thank God.
THE SCREEN INSTANTLY GOES TO SNOWY-WHITE, AS IF THE
TRANSMISSION HAS BEEN TERMINATED.
LOU (VOICE OVER)
We first met under the old oak tree.
FADE OUT:
THE END