List of Characters:
Norm MacDonald - Burt Reynolds
Darrell Hammond - Phil Donahue
John Goodman (Host) - Marlon Brando
Will Ferrell - Alex Trebek

Added to site: March 24, 2002.

Celebrity Jeopardy - May 10th, 1997

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is Habitat for Humanity. Phil Donahue, yours is the Children Are Our Future Foundation. And Burt Reynolds, yours is the Palm Beach Golf and Tennis Resort.

We have quite a match going on here. Let's look at the score. We've got a close race going on for second place, between Phil Donahue at minus six-thousand eight hundred dollars, and Burt Reynolds at minus six thousand nine hundred dollars. And with a commanding lead, it's Marlon Brando with negative forty-five hundred dollars. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It's time for Double Jeopardy. Let's take a look at the board.

The categories are… ‘Famous Roberts’, ‘Three-Letter Words’, ‘Pot Pourri’, ‘Potent Potables’, ‘Colors’, ‘Holidays’, and finally, ‘US States’.

Marlon, you pick the category.

Marlon Brando: Um... Fishing for a thousand.

Trebek: There's no Fishing on the board, Marlon.

Brando: [chewing on sunflower seeds] Uh, I like fishing.

Trebek: Okay, that's great. Let's just start with 'Famous Roberts' for four hundred. And the answer is: This was John F. Kennedy's younger brother.

Brando rings in

Trebek: Marlon Brando.

Brando: Teddy.

Trebek: No.

Brando: Who is Teddy?

Trebek: No.

Brando: Wha- what is Teddy?

Trebek: No.

Reynolds Rings in

Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: I'll tell you something Alex, I-I think he's right.

Trebek: No, he's not right. Remember, the category. 'Famous Roberts'. In the Kennedy family.

Reynolds: Who is Robert Blake?

Trebek: No.

Donahue rings in

Trebek: Phil Donahue.

Phil Donahue: Well, my dear good man, the board appears… to… be… mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, who's on first, what's in the chicken... Woaaaah! And all of a sudden - time buzzer rings - I'm walking down the - time buzzer rings.

Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.

Brando: In Tahiti they have these- these dogs that they train to catch frisbees in their mouths. It's amazing.

Trebek: And I'll pick the category for you. 'Holidays' for four hundred dollars. The answer is: This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.

Reynolds rings in

Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Reynolds: Yeah, what is my birthday?

Trebek: Is your birthday on December 25th, Mr. Reynolds?

Reynolds: No, July 7th.

Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here. It's February 11th.

Reynolds rings in

Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Reynolds: What is July 7th?

Trebek: Absolutely not.

Donahue rings in

Trebek: Yes, Phil Donahue?

Donahue: Little Bobby… and Little Susie… have hung their stockings… with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for Tickle Me Elmo 'til five a.m. and all of a sudden Bobby looks up and he says, "Hey! Who... is... this Jesus?"

Trebek: You know the answer, just say it!

Donahue: ...Meanwhile Chris Kringle is drinking Coke, the reindeer are playing Nintendo, the elves are wearing Nikes they're walking... time buzzer rings...along...

Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue. The answer was Christmas.

Reynolds rings in

Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Reynolds: He's a good guy.

Trebek: What? Wha- what was that, Mr. Reynolds?

Reynolds: Robert Blake, he's a good guy. You should think about putting him up on your board, there.

Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.

Brando: I went into some 7-11 this morning, and I wandered over to the magazine rack... There's so many magazines about cars. So many magazines about cars.

Trebek: I'm going to assume you picked 'Colors' for eight hundred. Name this color:

[Game board reveals a giant red square]

Let's forget the whole answer-in-the-form-of-a-question thing, just name the color.

Reynolds rings in

Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Reynolds: Yeah, it's a rectangle.

Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I'm convinced you have a learning disability.

Donahue rings in

Trebek: Mr. Donahue.

Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be colorblind...

Trebek: [Over Donahue] I know where this is going

Donahue: ...What's going on?

Brando rings in

Trebek: Mr. Brando.

Brando: You know, I was riding a bicycle… that I made myself… and I was with Wally Cox and, God, I miss that good man! He had fingers like a sailor. [Marlon bends down and takes off his pants] I remember one time in Bangkok... [He now takes off his boxers] time buzzer rings.

Trebek: The answer was red. Mr. Donahue, you are at minus seven thousand two hundred dollars...

Donahue: Great!

Trebek: ...Mr. Reynolds, you seem to have broken your buzzer and...

Reynolds: Heh heh!

Trebek: ...and Mr. Brando, you're naked from the waist down. Let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. Tell you what, let's just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year. What year it is right now.

"Jeopardy Theme" begins playing

Trebek: It's a number. What year is it? This year. It starts with a nineteen.

[Donahue feverishly writes at his podium, Burt Reynolds just stands around, and Brando has a puppet on his hand playing with the pen]

"Jeopardy Theme" ends

Trebek: Okay, let's see what we've got. Mr. Donahue appeared to write way too much. In fact, he's still going on. Let's see what he's got so far.

[monitor shows lots of writing]

Not even close to what we want.

Donahue: Ohhhhhhhhh, come on!

Trebek: Okay, now Mr. Reynolds. I didn't see you write anything. Maybe I missed it. [monitor reveals blank screen] And I didn't. You gave no answer.

Reynolds: Why don't you let me buy a vowel?

Trebek: Okay, that's infuriating. Mr. Brando chose to speak to puppet in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer [monitor reveals the word "Poop"]. You wrote "Poop". This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.

Brando: You- you- you're a squawking parrot, you're- you're an ant.

Trebek: Okay. Mr. Reynolds is the winner by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf and Tennis Club will receive a check for ten thousand dollars. That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy. I quit.

"Jeopardy Theme" plays

Transcribed by: TLCK
Provided by: steve