Editor's Note:
Not the greatest bit of acting and writing on anyone's parts, but an important sketch nonetheless. All characters are playing themselfs.

Norm Meets Dole - November 16th, 1996

[Norm sits in his dressing room, wearing his Bob Dole getup. There’s a knock at the door.]

Norm: Go away! Just go away!

[Lorne Michaels enters]

Lorne: Hi, Norm.

Norm: Lorne! How'd you get in here?

Lorne: I have a master key.

Norm: Oh, jeez.

Lorne: I see you're still wearing the Bob Dole suit and- and the wig.

Norm: Oh, yeah, I was, uh, yeah. Well, well.

Lorne: Look, Norm, we all understand how badly you wanted to play President Dole for the next four years. But he didn't win. You gotta move on.

Norm: (in Bob Dole voice) I am moving on! Norm MacDonald is moving on!

Lorne: Norm, I- I really want you to see someone.

Norm: Uhhh, you mean, like, a shrink again?

Lorne: Not exactly. (to doorway) Senator?

[Senator Bob Dole enters]

[Unnecessarily long applause]

Dole: Hi, Lorne. Hi- hi Norm.

Lorne: If you two- [laughing] if you two kids need me, I'll be down the hall.

Norm: Okay.

Dole: Alright, we'll be... right here.

[Lorne exits]

Norm: Well, how are you, senator?

Dole: Norm, uh, Bob Dole knows how much it meant for you to play me on the show the next four years and Bob Dole feels your pain.

Norm: Well, you know, it hasn't been easy, you know, uh. But you probably know what it's like. I mean, you just lost that presidential election.

Dole: Oh, now, now don't worry about me. I've got something, uh, lined up.

Norm: Oh, really?

Dole: Oh, really. I got a job, uh, answering, uh, phones down at the Red Cross. My wife pulled some strings.

[Elizabeth Dole is in the audience waving and giving a thumbs-up sign]

Norm: Wow, tha- that's great! That's great!

Dole: Well, that's not brain surgery, you know. [picks up imaginary phone] "Hello, Red Cross. How may Bob Dole direct your call?"

Norm: Wow, sounds like a lot of fun.

Dole: Well, it keeps me out of trouble, you know. Trouble like running for president.

Norm: Oh, really? So, there's no chance of you running for president again?

Dole: No, ah, I don't think so.

Norm: Uh, really? 'Cause, you know… it'd be good for me.

Dole: Yeah.

Norm: Kinda help you, keep you on the front pages, you know?

Dole: Now, believe me, Norm. Running for president doesn't always keep you on the front pages unless you, of course, take a dive off a podium.

Norm: Yeah, that did get a lot of coverage, didn't it?

Dole: Yeah, and thanks for noticing, here on, uh, Saturday Night Live. I appreciate it.

Norm: I don't write a lot of the stuff.

Dole: (unintelligible agreement noises)

Norm: But, you know what? It's kind of frustrating for me. I mean, I have this great Bob Dole impression. I got nowhere to use it, you know.

Dole: Now, if it's any consolation to you, Norm, the impression isn't that great.

Norm: [laughs] Since you've gone into civilian life, you don't pull any punches, there, do you?

Dole: (unintelligible disagreement noises)

Norm: Now, uh really, you don't like my impression?

Dole: No. You're really doing an impression of Dan Aykroyd when he does an impression of me. You know it. And I know it. And the American people know it.

Norm: Ah, come on, now, uh, senator, it's a great impression. Listen to this: (in Bob Dole voice) Come November fifth, a lot of people are gonna be surprised by Bob Dole 'cause Bob Dole's gonna win this election!

Dole: Doesn't sound a thing like me. First of all, I don't run around saying, "Bob Dole does this," and "Bob Dole does that." That's not something Bob Dole does. That's not- that's not something Bob Dole has ever done and it's not something Bob Dole will ever do.

Norm: Well, okay, how about this? Listen to this: (in Bob Dole voice) Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Dole: No, no, no. No, you're noooo. You're still not getting it. Now listen carefully: Live from New York it's Saturday Night!

Provided by: steve
Transcribed by: tlck