Editor's Note:
Not the greatest bit of acting and writing on anyone's parts, but an important sketch nonetheless. All characters are playing themselfs.
Norm Meets Dole - November 16th, 1996
[Norm sits in his dressing room, wearing his Bob Dole getup. There’s a knock at the door.]
Norm: Go away! Just go away!
[Lorne Michaels enters]
Lorne: Hi, Norm.
Norm: Lorne! How'd you get in here?
Lorne: I have a master key.
Norm: Oh, jeez.
Lorne: I see you're still wearing the Bob Dole suit and- and the wig.
Norm: Oh, yeah, I was, uh, yeah. Well, well.
Lorne: Look, Norm, we all understand how badly you wanted to play President Dole for the next four years. But he didn't win. You gotta move on.
Norm: (in Bob Dole voice) I am moving on! Norm MacDonald is moving on!
Lorne: Norm, I- I really want you to see someone.
Norm: Uhhh, you mean, like, a shrink again?
Lorne: Not exactly. (to doorway) Senator?
[Senator Bob Dole enters]
[Unnecessarily long applause]
Dole: Hi, Lorne. Hi- hi Norm.
Lorne: If you two- [laughing] if you two kids need me, I'll be down the hall.
Norm: Okay.
Dole: Alright, we'll be... right here.
[Lorne exits]
Norm: Well, how are you, senator?
Dole: Norm, uh, Bob Dole knows how much it meant for you to play me on the show the next four years and Bob Dole feels your pain.
Norm: Well, you know, it hasn't been easy, you know, uh. But you probably know what it's like. I mean, you just lost that presidential election.
Dole: Oh, now, now don't worry about me. I've got something, uh, lined up.
Norm: Oh, really?
Dole: Oh, really. I got a job, uh, answering, uh, phones down at the Red Cross. My wife pulled some strings.
[Elizabeth Dole is in the audience waving and giving a thumbs-up sign]
Norm: Wow, tha- that's great! That's great!
Dole: Well, that's not brain surgery, you know. [picks up imaginary phone] "Hello, Red Cross. How may Bob Dole direct your call?"
Norm: Wow, sounds like a lot of fun.
Dole: Well, it keeps me out of trouble, you know. Trouble like running for president.
Norm: Oh, really? So, there's no chance of you running for president again?
Dole: No, ah, I don't think so.
Norm: Uh, really? 'Cause, you know… it'd be good for me.
Dole: Yeah.
Norm: Kinda help you, keep you on the front pages, you know?
Dole: Now, believe me, Norm. Running for president doesn't always keep you on the front pages unless you, of course, take a dive off a podium.
Norm: Yeah, that did get a lot of coverage, didn't it?
Dole: Yeah, and thanks for noticing, here on, uh, Saturday Night Live. I appreciate it.
Norm: I don't write a lot of the stuff.
Dole: (unintelligible agreement noises)
Norm: But, you know what? It's kind of frustrating for me. I mean, I have this great Bob Dole impression. I got nowhere to use it, you know.
Dole: Now, if it's any consolation to you, Norm, the impression isn't that great.
Norm: [laughs] Since you've gone into civilian life, you don't pull any punches, there, do you?
Dole: (unintelligible disagreement noises)
Norm: Now, uh really, you don't like my impression?
Dole: No. You're really doing an impression of Dan Aykroyd when he does an impression of me. You know it. And I know it. And the American people know it.
Norm: Ah, come on, now, uh, senator, it's a great impression. Listen to this: (in Bob Dole voice) Come November fifth, a lot of people are gonna be surprised by Bob Dole 'cause Bob Dole's gonna win this election!
Dole: Doesn't sound a thing like me. First of all, I don't run around saying, "Bob Dole does this," and "Bob Dole does that." That's not something Bob Dole does. That's not- that's not something Bob Dole has ever done and it's not something Bob Dole will ever do.
Norm: Well, okay, how about this? Listen to this: (in Bob Dole voice) Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
Dole: No, no, no. No, you're noooo. You're still not getting it. Now listen carefully: Live from New York it's Saturday Night!
