Details
July 1998 -- BY ROB TANNENBAUM
This month, Norm Macdonald
delivers his lost Weekend Update
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Who's the first woman you were sexually attracted to?
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Ginger on Gilligan's Island. She was a whore, you know? She'd do
anything for, like, a coconut.
What was your nickname at school?
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I always hated my name. I tried to make my nickname Skip. I told my best
friend Randy, "Call me Skip." It never caught on.
Were you into sports as a kid?
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Hockey. My dad was disgusted by figure skaters because they were great
skaters who weren't playing hockey. He was terrified I'd become a figure
skater.
When was your last fistfight?
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Around the time I did voiceovers for Doctor Dolittle, I was in a bar in
Toronto making Dirty Work; and this guy told me to go back to America. I
didn't understand that, because I'm Canadian. He went to kick me, and I
punched him hard. Luckily he was drunk. When we were leaving, one guy
said, "Who are you!" I didn't want to get sued, so I told him I was Dana
Carvey.
Have you ever been arrested?
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When I was a kid, I'd do stuff that was sort of illegal. But it wasn't
immoral. My friends and I would break-and-enter and steal stuff like
typewriters, then keep them at this Indian reservation, because police
can't go on a reservation.
Were your parents strict?
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They let me do what I wanted. I didn't like school. So when I was
fifteen, I left. I learned how to read, but after that they didn't have
anything to teach. They never taught you how to steal a typewriter.
Your first kiss: How old were you?
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When I was young, I never went out with anybody. I'd practice kissing my
shoulder, because when I move it, a little thing appears. almost like a
pair of lips. When I was older I got drunk a lot, as a way to talk to
people. I was twenty-two, drunk, in a bar and I kissed some lady. I
never thought ladies would actually want to have sex, because they
pretend they have no interest in it. I still think they don't. They just
go along with it because they sort of have to.
Playboy or Penthouse?
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Pictures don't do it for me. It seems like the women wouldn't be
interested in me. I do like the Penthouse letters. I pretend to be the
protagonist. But you have to scan ahead in the letters because maybe
something bizarre happens -- all of a sudden another dude shows up and
shoves some thing into you.
What was your first car?
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I don't know how to drive. Cars seem dangerous. I have to get past
that, because I'm moving to L.A. I'm fucked. I was always hoping that by
the time I started to drive, they would have invented those flying cars.
Have you ever been fired?
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Growing up, I had the lowest jobs. I moved furniture, worked on garbage
trucks. There was nothing to lose, so I'd get fired for a bad attitude.
Oh, and I was fired from Saturday Night Live -- I almost forgot.
What's your most memorable hangover?
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One Sunday, I woke up on my couch and a Jehovah's Witness was ringing
the door bell. I opened the door and the guy looked shocked. Then I
looked down, and I had puke all over me. It was orange, because I'd been
drinking screwdrivers the night before. I apologized and invited him in,
and we talked about Jesus Christ.
When did you realize you'd grown up?
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When I started to develop a huge amount of ear hair. Once you have it,
they don't card you at bars.
What's the hardest part of being a man?
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Having a sac. It's this thing, it's not attractive, and it's very
vulnerable. Also, if you're a man, people frown upon it when you wear
panties and a dress. All of a sudden you're a freak. Meanwhile, if
you're a lady it's completely acceptable. It's a double standard.
What will you never do again?
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Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.
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