This month, Norm Macdonald
delivers his lost Weekend Update

Who's the first woman you were sexually attracted to?

Ginger on Gilligan's Island. She was a whore, you know? She'd do anything for, like, a coconut.

What was your nickname at school?

I always hated my name. I tried to make my nickname Skip. I told my best friend Randy, "Call me Skip." It never caught on.

Were you into sports as a kid?

Hockey. My dad was disgusted by figure skaters because they were great skaters who weren't playing hockey. He was terrified I'd become a figure skater.

When was your last fistfight?

Around the time I did voiceovers for Doctor Dolittle, I was in a bar in Toronto making Dirty Work; and this guy told me to go back to America. I didn't understand that, because I'm Canadian. He went to kick me, and I punched him hard. Luckily he was drunk. When we were leaving, one guy said, "Who are you!" I didn't want to get sued, so I told him I was Dana Carvey.

Have you ever been arrested?

When I was a kid, I'd do stuff that was sort of illegal. But it wasn't immoral. My friends and I would break-and-enter and steal stuff like typewriters, then keep them at this Indian reservation, because police can't go on a reservation.

Were your parents strict?

They let me do what I wanted. I didn't like school. So when I was fifteen, I left. I learned how to read, but after that they didn't have anything to teach. They never taught you how to steal a typewriter.

Your first kiss: How old were you?

When I was young, I never went out with anybody. I'd practice kissing my shoulder, because when I move it, a little thing appears. almost like a pair of lips. When I was older I got drunk a lot, as a way to talk to people. I was twenty-two, drunk, in a bar and I kissed some lady. I never thought ladies would actually want to have sex, because they pretend they have no interest in it. I still think they don't. They just go along with it because they sort of have to.

Playboy or Penthouse?

Pictures don't do it for me. It seems like the women wouldn't be interested in me. I do like the Penthouse letters. I pretend to be the protagonist. But you have to scan ahead in the letters because maybe something bizarre happens -- all of a sudden another dude shows up and shoves some thing into you.

What was your first car?

I don't know how to drive. Cars seem dangerous. I have to get past that, because I'm moving to L.A. I'm fucked. I was always hoping that by the time I started to drive, they would have invented those flying cars.

Have you ever been fired?

Growing up, I had the lowest jobs. I moved furniture, worked on garbage trucks. There was nothing to lose, so I'd get fired for a bad attitude. Oh, and I was fired from Saturday Night Live -- I almost forgot.

What's your most memorable hangover?

One Sunday, I woke up on my couch and a Jehovah's Witness was ringing the door bell. I opened the door and the guy looked shocked. Then I looked down, and I had puke all over me. It was orange, because I'd been drinking screwdrivers the night before. I apologized and invited him in, and we talked about Jesus Christ.

When did you realize you'd grown up?

When I started to develop a huge amount of ear hair. Once you have it, they don't card you at bars.

What's the hardest part of being a man?

Having a sac. It's this thing, it's not attractive, and it's very vulnerable. Also, if you're a man, people frown upon it when you wear panties and a dress. All of a sudden you're a freak. Meanwhile, if you're a lady it's completely acceptable. It's a double standard.

What will you never do again?

Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

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