Late Night with Conan O'Brien
NOVEMBER 1995 (NBC)
NORM: I always thought they should have, like, uh, you know how they have that Dick Clark, Ed McMahon, like blooper show --
CONAN: The blooper show, yeah.
NORM: They should have those for pornos, you know, because -- [Laughter] Because, you know, I'm sure they make mistakes on the set and everything, you know, it'd be funny to see, you know, like the girl going "You know Harry, you have a huge clock, oh ho ho" [Laughter]
CONAN: And then you cut back to Ed McMahon, and --
NORM: Go back to Ed and Dick [Laughter] I don't know.
CONAN: You don't know what you're doing. You're just riffing here, you don't know.
The Family Dog
CONAN: Now, you got a family, you got a kid, right --
NORM: Yeah, I got a beautiful little kid, Dyl --
CONAN: How old is he?
NORM: He's 3, he's the greatest.
CONAN: Uh huh.
CONAN: Is he like, uh, [Laughter] Let's just end there. He's just a great, great kid.
NORM: He's, he's like 3 now; he's reaching the age where he's kinda, he's, uh, they reach that kinda cruel age, you know, where it's like, uh, you know, "Lord of the Flies" or something, where you gotta watch 'em, and, uh, we got a, a dog. You know our old dog --
CONAN: Yeah, I know dogs, yeah. [Laughter]
NORM: We call him, uh, Doogie; when I was a kid, my dog, my parents named my dog Snoopy.
CONAN: Oh really?
NORM: Yeah, so I was completely embarrassed all the time, it was like the happiest name you could call your dog, you know, and people'd go "Hey, what's your dog's name?" "Uh, something", ya know.
CONAN: [Laughs] Mm hmm.
NORM: But, uh, so, my, the point of the story is this:
NORM: [Laughs] My kid is getting to this cruel age when you always gotta watch him around the dog, you know, because, he'll uh, you know -- and he lies, you know. Like you go, "Hey, hey, uh, what are you doing there? You shouldn't be, uh, petting his eyeball like that, he doesn't like that." And he's like "No, he likes that! He told me!" [Laughter] I go, "Dogs can't talk, I'm not stupid, you know."
CONAN: Yeah, yeah. [Laughter]
NORM: And uh, I can't even find the dog anymore, cause the kid's always like "Hey, where, where are ya Doogie, here to play with Dylan, where are ya?" You know, I can't find him anywhere, you know, open the cupboard, dog's in there. [Laughter] You know he's --
NORM & CONAN: Not here, not here.
The Olympics: Walking
NORM: You know, all the sports in the Olympics, you know, they got the great sports, and then, uh, the bizarre- Like, you ever see that one where they, uh, they like walk fast? It's the fast walking?
CONAN: Yeah, yeah.
NORM: And this is like, re -- you know, it's retarded, you know, it's like, it's just a guy walking fast! It's not a real sport. And uh, and uh, you know like uh, that uh, you know, this guy doesn't get a lot of respect around the Olympic village, you know, from like the [Laughter] sprinters and stuff, you know, like, they're going, "Hey Fred, uh, good, uh, good stroll today there, ya know, [Laughter] that was the briskest, uh, stroll I, what'd ya do, smash the 20 minute mile, I heard! They said it could never be done." [Laughter] But you know what's worse? That guy, gets a gold medal --
CONAN: Uh huh.
NORM: And meanwhile, like the decathlon champ, HE gets a gold medal, you know, that's not fair. Like that guy, they shouldn't get the same thing, you get the gold medal, you 10, you're the world's greatest athlete, you do 10, and then the other guy walks fast? [Laughter] They're crazy!
CONAN: They should have another medal.
NORM: Yeah. They should, uh [Laughter.] He should get like, uh, they should give that guy like a stick, or something, you get a stick, you know [Laughter]
CONAN: A nice stick, but a stick.
NORM: Yeah, a nice stick. That's for you, buddy. [Laughter] Then you can do all your great endorsement deals there afterward.
Thank you Matt Hebert for sharing his collection with us. Chris Spiegel for transcribing this appearance.