The Howard Stern Show
EDITOR'S NOTE: This bit aired late in Bob Dole's 1996 campaign. It was SNL's first week back from the summer break. As he came into the studio Norm, in full Bob Dole costume, took a fall as he got into to his chair -- lampooning the senator's inadvertent stage dive. Norm hurt his arm in the pratt fall, prompting Stern to comment, "Wouldn't it be ironic if your arm froze just like Dole's?!" Norm shot back, "Yeah, that'd be a fucking riot." Following the Dole bit, Our Hero shared a rather gross story (our "bonus" transcription), told the gang about his no-nonsense father, his schizophrenic brother, and his own timid experimentation with therapy ("nerves" and gambling addiction).
FALL '96 (E!)
HOWARD STERN: It is a pleasure, once again, to introduce the Republican candidate for the presidency of the United States. Let's do this officially, let's welcome Bob Dole everyone.
BOB DOLE (Norm Macdonald): Thank you. Good to see y'all ... well, let me tell you something, Stern. First of all, how are you, good to see you -- you damn freak! Let me ask you a question, I was wondering, do you take it in the seat?
STERN: Oh, come on. Why? Because I have long hair?
DOLE: That's right. You long haired beatnik. But don't worry, Bob Dole doesn't discriminate against the homos and the queers. FREEDOM FOR ALL HOMOS! That's what I say. As a matter of fact, I'm completely in favor of homo marriages.
STERN: Wait a second. You're in favor of gay marriages?
DOLE: That's right, I changed my position on that ... I think they should have the same kind of marriage. Except, they have to change the line in the vows, there where they say, "Until death do us part"
STERN: They have to change that?
DOLE: They have to change into, "Until lingering, horrible death do us part."
STERN: You're talking about the AIDS virus.
DOLE: ... I believe everyone should take an AIDS test in this country. But, I have a little piece of advice for you, if you're going to take your AIDS test, DON'T CRAM FOR IT THE NIGHT BEFORE! That's what I say!
STERN: You know, I'm going to tell you something about yourself, your personality. You seem like a very angry guy. You really do. You seem mean spirited. That's why I think the voters are turning against you.
DOLE: Well, why would I be angry, Howard Stern? I got a gimpy arm, one kidney, I'm 73-years-old, I'm 40 points behind in the damn polls. I'm sitting on top of the goddamn world!
STERN: Let's talk about the issues ... let the people know where you're coming from.
DOLE: Where I'm coming from. Well, that's just the kind of goddamn hippie language I'd expect from you ... well, let me tell you something you damn, dirty beatnik. First of all, I'm against crime. Yes, I've got a hardon for harden criminals. The government is doing a real piss-poor job of protecting the good, hardworking Americans. There's too much crime, Howard Stern.
STERN: Why is there so much crime?
DOLE: Well, crime is no mystery. A crack-smoking retard knows why there's so much crime in America. It can be explained in three simple words: NEGROES! NEGROES! NEGROES!
STERN: Negroes!? Now wait a second, are you, in fact, blaming all the crime in this country on the Negroes?!
DOLE: No, I'd never do that. I wouldn't rule out the daygos(sp?) and the dirty micks(sp?). But, let's face facts, those damn Negroes like Three-Pack Shakur. Let me ask you something, is Garth Brooks getting shot in Vegas? No! Is Kenny Rogers lying in a body bag after pissing off Pat Boone?
STERN: No, I don't see Kenny Rogers and Pat Boone trying to kill each other. That's true.
DOLE: That's my point. No one will say it, but they're the problem. Me? I'm too old to deal with it ...
STERN: Senator Dole, excuse me for saying this, but you are really coming off sounding racist.
DOLE: Racist! I'm not racist. That sounds something like a damn, dirty Jew would say. Now listen, I don't mind damn, dirty Jews. I'm not saying that. Although, it was a Jewish doctor who operated on my right arm.
DOLE: That's right. Now it's about as useful as a new pair of Rollerblades for Christopher Reeve.
STERN: Now, Mr. Dole, you really sound like you're out of control this morning ...
DOLE: Hogwash! Bob Dole is not a racist. I love Colin Powell. I love Bill Cosby. I even love that 16-year-old piece of ass Moesha. I LOVE MOESHA! There, I said it. I'd love to hold her off the side a bridge, by the ankles, until she consented to give me oral favors. That's right! I'll tell you something else, I like that Whoopi Goldberg. A black woman with a damn, dirty Jew name.
STERN: I'm surprised you like Whoopi Goldberg.
DOLE: Oh, sure. I'd grab her big, chocolate-cake ass and have my way with her plantation style. Wait a minute. Did I think that, or did I say it out loud?
STERN: Either way, Mr. Dole, I think what you're saying is -- and I'm glad you're saying this -- I think you're trying to say you love black people, right?
DOLE: Yeah, sure. Bob Dole loves black people. I harbor no ill against the Negroes as a concept, you know. I have a message for Negroes. Go ahead, drink your Thunderbird, play your rap music, rape your own sisters, smoke your crack -- Libby and I will continue to do our hard work for you, while you sleep in your on feces-covered mattresses. Bob Dole is for all Americans.
STERN: ... You sound incentive, you know that? ...
DOLE: That's not true at all ... I may sound insensitive, but deep down I'm a softie. I may sound like Hitler, but I feel more like Eva Gabor! Do you think Merv actually had sex with her? I've always wondered that. ... Merv Griffin. He's a dirty fruit isn't he?! ...
STERN: What' you're saying here this morning, let me see if I've got this right, you're saying there's a softer side to you that we don't see.
DOLE: I'll tell you, Bob Dole has romance in his body all the way to the tips of these dead fingers of mine.
Clinton's Medical Records
STERN: Mr. Dole, let's change the subject here. Senator, President Clinton has refused to release all his medical records. What do you think he's hiding?
DOLE: Yeah, he says they're embarrassing.
STERN: Right, what is he trying to hide?
DOLE: Let me tell you. Sure. Two words: THROAT SYPHILIS! ... that's what fruits get ... doesn't inhale, maybe he didn't swallow either.
STERN: Let's see if we can't help your image. Do you have any pets?
DOLE: Pets? You're goddamn right I have pets. I have a dog with a club foot. I got a cat with a hunch back. I got one of them six-legged rabbits. I've got a goldfish with epilepsy.
STERN: Is that because of your own affliction?
DOLE: I believe all life is sacred. No creature with a defect should be destroyed. Except maybe Stuttering John [eternal intern of The Howard Stern Show].
DOLE: Ah, what the hell. He should live to.
STERN: You know what, I think you're mellowing out, Mr. Dole ...
DOLE: Well, with age brings wisdom. Unless you're Ronald Reagan. Then it brings Alzheimer's. That character. I went over to visit Reagan last month at his ranch. Nancy said he was out back riding horses and chopping wood. I go back to see him, and find him riding wood and chopping horses! ... the polar opposite, but seriously, Stern. Last week, I got a Mothers Day card from the jack off.
STERN: You got a Mothers Day card from Ronald Reagan?
DOLE: That's right. Robin [Quivers] got a Mothers Day card from the Harlem Globetrotters ...
STERN: You bring up Ronald Reagan, and you are of advanced age, how is your health holding up?
DOLE: I'm fine. I'm fine. Only problem is my colon falls out once in awhile. That's right.
DOLE: Jackie [Martling]! You're wearing finger-condoms, be a good fella and tuck it back in there! ... sometimes it kinda dangles out like a dirty accordion in a hurricane. Wanna hear "Lady of Spain"?
STERN: I can see you're a personable guy, you have a certain charisma when people meet you. You have a lot of good ideas. Why are you still loosing to Clinton?
DOLE: Oh, god, that beats me. I can't believe people would want for that dope-smoking, draft-dodging, whore master instead of me! I just don't get it. The man cheats on his wife. If he were a real American like me, he'd do what I did, Bill Clinton would dump his first wife and trade her in for a younger model, like you do with a car! Let me tell you, Stern. I love that new bitch smell.
STERN: That new wife smell? You love that.
STERN: Let's have some final thoughts from you. The Brady Bill.
DOLE: I'm against it! Completely against it! What is that again?
STERN: Buying handguns.
DOLE: Oh, yeah, yeah. ... no I'm against the Brady Bill. Yes, it violates our god-given right to buy arms immediately. So you can go out and shoot any son of a bitch that tries to break into your home and rape wife and then tie you up and put a little red ball in your mouth, while they take a curtain rod and violate you, while playing loud rap music in the background.
STERN: Now this didn't happen to you, did it?
DOLE: ... it won't happen again, I'll tell you that!
STERN: ... I want to thank you for coming in. You were terrific today. You've never been more right on. It's unbelievable. Your preparation was excellent. You're a good guy. ... I'm still not voting for [you].
DOLE: What! You're not voting for me?! Let me tell you, you' don't vote for me, I'm not seeing your movie [Private Parts]!
DOLE: That's right. That movie, by itself, could bring down the entire country.
STERN: Wait a second. By the time it's out you'll be an asterisk in the history books. You know that, don't you, Bob Dole?
DOLE: Well, F-U, Howard Stern! And, don't reach over to shake my hand.
DOLE: My hand is as dead as Minnie Pearl, you bastard!
STERN: ... wow, Senator Bob Dole. As played by Norm Macdonald, of course. The only good person left on "Saturday Night Live."
AN ADDED BONUS (AT NO COST TO YOU!)
NORM: I don't know if you've ever done this. But, I went to the bathroom. To the toilet. At the show, they have bathrooms.
STERN: You moved your bowels.
NORM: Yeah, exactly. So, I do that, you know. While I'm doing that, all of a sudden, I start thinking about a broad, a girl ... so I think about her ass and stuff. Her breasts. So, all of a sudden, right.
STERN: You got aroused.
STERN: So, did you pleasure yourself in the bathroom at NBC?
NORM: ... I was whacking off.
STERN: You're telling me, you pleasured yourself. Say "pleasured yourself," it's a family show.
NORM: OK, yeah. I pleasured myself.
STERN: You're making a doodie.
NORM: No, this was after. Then I'm just sitting there --
STERN: You're thinking about a girl, and you decided --
NORM: Not a girl, just like an ass.
STERN: Oh, an ass. And you started to fondle yourself. And you brought yourself to fruition.
NORM: What?! I know what you're getting at. So, dig this.
STERN: That's disgusting. That takes some balls.
NORM: So, I finish up, right? So, then I clean myself up --
STERN: Isn't this great. He's dressed like Bob Dole telling us this story. Go ahead, yeah.
NORM: So, I finish up. Meanwhile, I forget that I took a dirty crap a couple of minutes ago. So, I just finish up and leave. All of a sudden, I go, "What's this dirty crap smell?!" When I'm walking down the hall. I go, "HOLY LORD! I FORGOT ABOUT --
STERN: You forgot to flush!
NORM: No, wiping my dirty ass!
STERN: ... You forgot to wipe?! ... you forgot to wipe your butt.
NORM: Yeah, I just thought it was an interesting anecdote. Life's like that. You ever read Readers Digest?
STERN: Wow, that's a great anecdote. You ever tell that on Leno?