The Howard Stern Show
EDITOR'S NOTE: This bit aired early in Bob Dole's 1996 campaign. Before the Republican convention, and his announcement that Jack Kemp would be his running mate. It was also during a time when Dole was trying to "get in touch" with America. When he'd just stepped down as senator, shed his suit and tie, and opted for the Everyman uniform of a dress shirt and sportcoat.
SPRING '96 (E!)
The Crack Whore Vote
BOB DOLE (Norm Macdonald): Where the hell am I?
HOWARD STERN: You're at KROC.
DOLE: Who are you?
STERN: I'm Howard Stern.
DOLE: Oh yeah, I remember. The big, hook-nosed fellow.
STERN: That's right.
DOLE: Hair like a girl. Queen of all Media. Isn't that what they call you?
STERN: That's right. The Queen of all Media. That's very funny.
DOLE: Let me tell you why I'm here, Howard Stern. I'm here to reach the young people. You know, the under 65 group. That's right, the baby boomers, generation 10. ... You reach demographics I've never been able to reach, Howard Stern. I'm talking about the damn, dirty hippies. Sexual deviants. The criminal element. Pedophiles. Homosexual and otherwise. All of them. And you know what? I also want to reach that one group that can make or break a candidate, the group that your show's aimed at.
STERN: What group is that?
DOLE: The crack whores!
STERN: The crack whores?!
DOLE: Yeah, I'm looking for the crack whore vote.
STERN: Oh, come on. Isn't it true that you're behind with most groups?
DOLE: Well, that's true. But, I'm ahead with some groups to, that's what the media doesn't tell you, Howard Stern.
STERN: Name one group that you're ahead with.
DOLE: Well, I'm a clear favorite among really old guys with one arm ...
STERN: Age will not be a factor [in this election]?
DOLE: Well, unless I die.
STERN: Right, OK.
Dole's Sex Life
DOLE: I won't lie to you, Howard Stern. I'm no spring chicken. My prostate hasn't functioned properly since JFK's head was in one piece.
STERN: So, I guess you and Mrs. Dole don't have an active sex life?
DOLE: Now you wait just one minute, Howard Stern. The only thing that's limp is this arm here. That's right. When it comes to dirty, shameful sex, I have just as much as anyone ... Bob Dole's a man who appreciates a good three-input woman ...
STERN: Now, you're friendly, you say, to different ethnic groups. Are you friendly to blacks?
DOLE: Let me tell you something. When I was growing up, we didn't call them "blacks," Howard Stern.
STERN: What did you call them?
DOLE: Slaves! ... [but] that was a different century. I don't call them "slaves" anymore. I use the correct terminology: Darkies ...
STERN: Have you ever slept with a black woman?
DOLE: Well, to be honest with you, Howard Stern. Love is blind. And, I've known the touch of many an ebony princess. ... the only problem is, who wants to make love and guard their wallet at the same time?! I will say one thing, when you're finished with them, well, the bed's made and the room's spotless.
STERN: Obviously, you're a little unenlightened when it comes to black people, Mr. Dole.
DOLE: I wouldn't say that. You know, I resigned the same week as Magic Johnson. ... that's right, I have full respect for Magic Johnson, he's a great man. ... my goodness, he'll leave a lot of records unequalled in the NBA. And, I'll tell you one record he'll leave, that nobody will ever break.
STERN: What's that?
DOLE: The only man ever to get AIDS from a WOMAN! ...
The Dole Platform
STERN: A lot of people have said that you lack energy. But, I've got to admit something. Today, you have lots of energy. You really do.
DOLE: Well sure, I'm no freggin' fossil, Howard Stern. But, if I'm old, even a dead Bob Dole would be better than Clinton. ... the problem with Clinton is that he thinks with his penis. I'm surprised his penis doesn't give the State of the Union address. And Hilary, good god, she's more annoying than crumbs on a massage table ...
STERN: What is the first thing you'll do if you're elected president? Be serious.
DOLE: The first thing I'm going to do is get rid of that beast Janet Reno. ... good lord, take a look at the woman, she looks like she ran out of money halfway through her sex change operation, for god sakes ...
STERN: What about accusations that you're too mean spirited? ...
DOLE: I'm not mean spirited at all. When I get into the White House, I don't know what I'm going to enjoy more, screwing over the blacks or the Puerto Ricans! ...
STERN: Anyway, Mr. Dole. I think it's time to wrap up.
DOLE: What?! Not so fast you big, hairy freak! I've chosen a running mate, and I'm giving you the exclusive!
STERN: Now, great! This is of big news. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, Bob Dole will mention who his running mate is going to be.
DOLE: That's right, Bob Dole's running mate for this 1996 election, somebody who's been with me for a long time, it's going to be: this PENCIL here!
STERN: The pencil you hold in your hand!
DOLE: That's right! It's a No. 2 pencil. His name is Dixon Ticonderoga. He's been with me since the Great War, Howard Stern.
STERN: You mean World War II?
DOLE: No! You damn fool! The Great War: Cro-Magnon Man vs. Triceratops! That's right. Me and my pencil won that war, and now we're going to win the election! DOLE AND DIXON TICONDEROGA IN '96!
STERN: Let me tell you something, Mr. Dole. That pencil has more personality than Al Gore. So, you might actually take the election.
DOLE: That's a good point, Howard Stern. That's a good one.
'That Guy' On SNL
STERN: I want to thank you, Mr. Dole. Let me ask you one last question. What do you think of that guy on "Saturday Night Live" who does the impression of you?
DOLE: Uhhhhh, he's a goddamn fag.
STERN: You think he's a fag?! You really think he's gay?
DOLE: I think he might be...