Late Night with Conan O'Brien
MAY 15, 1997 (NBC)

Violently Ill

CONAN: Oh, man, thanks so much for coming. People don't know this -- Norm Macdonald is not feeling well. He's been sick, but he was a real trooper and showed up.

NORM: Yeah, I've been sick for like 3 days. I was barfin' and had diarrhea. [Laughter.]

CONAN: OK, we didn't need to know that. You could have just said you were feeling a little fluish.

NORM: Under the weather.

CONAN: Yeah, but you're feeling OK now?

NORM: You know, I'm kind of a hypochondriac. So, when I get sick, I want to find out if I'm going to die from it, you know? And so, I try to think, like, "Where did I get the sickness?" Did you ever do that?

CONAN: Yeah, you figure, "Did I come in contact with someone who was sick? How did I get it?"

NORM: Because I know, like, Ross Abrash, this guy who works up on "Saturday Night Live," he was sick last week, and maybe I got it from him. I remember I ate some shellfish a few days ago. And then yesterday -- I got stabbed with a rusty syringe by an 80-pound homeless guy. [Laughter.]

Elephant Man

NORM: Do you know Tonya Addy?

CONAN: Who?

NORM: She works on your show. I just talked to her!

CONAN: Yeah, I don't know who that is -- I don't talk to people on my show. I deal with everybody through lawyers and intermediaries.

NORM: Oh my lord.

CONAN: I'm like Elvis in like 1976. I'm in a room with the shades drawn, eating a lot of peanut butter and shooting at TV sets.

NORM: Holy lord!

CONAN: Yeah, yeah, go to town my friend. So, what about her?

NORM: Who? [Laughter.]

CONAN: You are feeling a little unwell, aren't you?

NORM: I'm just trying to see if you remember her name.

CONAN: Sure.

NORM: What is it?

CONAN: Yeah.

NORM: I just told you!

CONAN: Yeah. Tonya.

NORM: Tonya. What's her last name?

CONAN: Oh, come on, we have to get the show going. [Laughter.]

NORM: She was telling me -- this is interesting -- she was telling me that, you know the movie "The Elephant Man"? We were just talking about it backstage, and I always thought it was a stupid movie. And she said it was a really good movie. And I said the stupidest thing in it was, you know that part where the guy says, "I am not an elephant. I am a human being!"?

CONAN: "I am not a monster," I think. Whatever. "I am not an animal. I am a human being."

NORM: Tonya just pointed out to me that it is, "I am not an animal."

CONAN: Right.

NORM: Because I always thought it was stupid. The guy doesn't even hardly look like an elephant. [Laughter.]

CONAN: You would be the worst movie critic in the world. You know, if you had your own movie criticism show, you would go on saying, "This whole movie sucked! Oh wait, I'm sorry! Forget what I said."

NORM: Anyway, that has nothing to do with anything, it's just, Tonya and I were talking backstage.

CONAN: Yeah. Tonya who, quick.

NORM: Addy.

CONAN: Uh huh. See, I knew.

Joke Telling

NORM: I'm always thinking about jokes from the paper. Especially when I come on your show. So, here's the one I got: You all know about that woman from Denmark who left her baby in the street? How do you feel about that, folks? [Boos.]

NORM: I don't like it either. I don't think it's right.

CONAN: Yeah. Yeah, good joke! [Applause.]

NORM: No, no, that was the premise.

CONAN: I'd tell you what would be so easy, if you had a gig, and all that was all you did. "What do you think about that?" "Boo!" "Yeah! And in another story, President Clinton hurt his knee, what do you think?" "Oh, too bad!"

NORM: No, no. The point is this: I got a joke about it.

CONAN: OK.

NORM: Because they got reunited today. It was in the newspaper, both "The New York Post" and "The New York Daily News." And so, I was thinking, now they're flying back to Denmark, and the crazy woman puts the baby on the wing. [Applause.]

CONAN: You wanna try another one, or -- [Laughter.] It's your choice. I think the fevers breaking.

NORM: There was another one in the paper today --

CONAN: You realize that this now doubles the pressure on this one. Everyone this creates a very tense TV moment.

NORM: No, I swear to god, this one will really do well. [Laughter.]

NORM: This one concerns a fellow that won the lottery. And he was a garbage man, and he won like 8 million dollars, and he said he's not going to quit his job. And you've always heard that, right?

CONAN: Right. "I'm going to keep my job."

NORM: Well, there's only one occupation where the person does not keep their job after they win the lottery. You know what that occupation is?

CONAN: No.

NORM: Crack whore. [Laughter.]

CONAN: That was amazing. You pulled it out. [Laughs.] I was worried about you for a minute. I thought you were in deep trouble. I thought you might get backed into a corner, have a lot more pressure, and then not have anything.

NORM: I know.

CONAN: But the pitch came in low and toward the middle and you put it out of the park.

NORM: No, I didn't. [Laughter.]

CONAN: What are you talking about? When people hear "crack whore" they just start laughing. That's just the reaction people have.

CONAN: Let's get some birds to fly in and sing a song -- [Singing.] "Crack whore."

Plenty of Fluids

CONAN: [Sees Norm fluffing his hair.] What are you doing now?

NORM: I just saw on the TV monitor, my hair. [Laughter.]

CONAN: OK, alright. What we're going to do is we're going to take a little commercial break.

NORM: OK, great.

CONAN: And then I'm going to get security in here. [Laughter.]

CONAN: And the when we come back, we're going to talk to you some more, 'cause you're going to have some fluids during the break.

NORM: Fluids?

CONAN: Yeah, you'll see. We'll get that Tonya girl to get some for you.

NORM: Oh, when you said that, I thought you meant fluids....OUT OF MY ASS. [Laughter.]

CONAN: [Laughing.] You know, a couple of times -- a couple of times during the 4 years I've been doing this show, someone has stopped me just before I went to commercial to try one more joke. That has been the most worth while of all the times. [Cheers and Applause.]

President Clinton

CONAN: ... You did the White House correspondents dinner.

NORM: Oh yeah, yeah.

CONAN: I didn't catch the whole thing. I caught, I think, the second half of your act. This is a big tradition in Washington, that the president speaks, and then they get a comedian to speak. ... And you did a great job.

NORM: Yeah, they have the President who comes up and talks, and he has alot of fun -- he does jokes, and I didn't know that. I thought he just talked about the country and stuff. ... But, yeah, he does jokes, and he just killed, he does great, you know -- cause he's the president. And then you have to go on after him! After the president!

CONAN: Yeah, I did it one year, and I was first, and then the President got to talk about issues and stuff, and it was much better that way. ... But you had to follow him.

NORM: You had to follow the President, you know. And that's not good. [Laughter.]

NORM: There's an old show business maxim -- "Never follow the leader of the free world".

CONAN: I know that one, yeah.

NORM: Yeah, and I can't even follow Carrot Top. [Laughter.]

CONAN: ... Yeah, but it went good, it must have been an impressive event.

NORM: It was cool to meet the president, and although he's all crippled up now. [Laughter.]

CONAN: That's not politically correct, he's "all crippled up"!

NORM: Then what do you call it?

CONAN: He's just -- disabled, at the moment.

NORM: Yeah, disabled. He's handicapped.

CONAN: There you go.

NORM: Actually, when you think about it, he's handicapped, and he's the President of the United States -- he must have an unbelievable parking spot when you think about it, you know? [Laughter.]

Those Wacky Secret Service Dudes

NORM: Right? But you know, they made me screen my jokes with the Secret Service. You know those guys?

CONAN: Yeah.

NORM: So I had to give my jokes to the Secret Service for them to read, and they don't laugh, those guys. You know, they're not big laughers.

CONAN: They --

NORM: They're not "risible." A guy told me that word, you know what it means?

CONAN: I don't know who you are tonight -- [Laughter.] -- let alone what the word is.

NORM: The word means -- here's something for you to learn -- that word means "easy to make laugh." Risible.

CONAN: OK. Yeah. We wish we had some risible people in here tonight. Let's pack the audience with some risible people.

NORM: No, I don't blame them! [Laughter.]

CONAN: No. Of course not. Why should you blame them?

NORM: No, they're good people.

CONAN: They should have just gone crazy at "Crackwhore."

NORM: But I'll tell you this about the Secret Service --

CONAN: Yeah.

NORM: I admire them for their job. They have a tough job. Their job is to get shot. [Laughter.] That's their job, to get shot in the belly.

CONAN: No. That must be a by-product of their job, maybe.

NORM: No, that's their job.

CONAN: Oh, really?

NORM: Yeah, their job isn't to just hang around, listening in their ear things. [Laughter.] Nobody cares about that. The president, if anyone wants to shoot him, he says to them, "Listen. Instead of them shooting me, do you mind if they shoot you in the belly?" [Laughter.]

CONAN: Do you think he talks to them like that? That they have a little huddle before they go somewhere?

NORM: Man, though, it's scary, because when I did my talk, they told me the podium was bulletproof and everything. And before the president goes into a room, they bring in dogs who sniff out guns and -- holy god, if I was the president, I'd be scared the whole time.

CONAN: Really? He's well protected.

NORM: But still, you're the president, everyone wants to kill you. [Laughter.]

NORM: Well, not everyone, most people like you, you're the president.

CONAN: Right.

NORM: But a lot of guys want to kill you.

CONAN: I don't think that's necessarily true.

NORM: Oh, believe me, I was there. [Laughter.]

Larry Flynt

CONAN: And did you meet anybody, any heroes of yours, any big celebrities?

NORM: Yeah, I met Larry Flynt. [Laughter.] He's not my hero, but he's a guy, he's a famous guy.

CONAN: Sure, he's famous, well known.

NORM: Yeah, I enjoy meeting famous guys. Yeah, and he came out, he's in a wheelchair, and he talks like this, he goes, [Imitating Flynt] "It's not his fault!" [Laughter.]

CONAN: [Laughing.] No.

NORM: He was shot. [Laughter.]

NORM: So anyway, since I was in the movie "The People Against Larry Flynt" --

CONAN: Versus. You were in the movie! [Laughter.] That was a famous movie, and you were in it!

NORM: Yes, I was in it. I was one of the people who was versusing him. So anyway, he said to me [Norm squaks.] [Laughter.]

NORM: No, he's a good guy. This is what he said to me, he said, "Hey, when you're in Los Angeles," 'cause I told him I was going to Los Angeles, and he said, "When you're in Los Angeles, look me up and I'll take care of ya." [Laughter.]

CONAN: Whenever people say that you think, "Ah, that means nothing, "but coming from him ...

NORM: Yeah, like if my Uncle Phil from Minneapolis said that, it means,"I'll make you a nice chicken pot pie," you know? But Larry Flynt, that means, "I'll get you a couple of hot dirty broads." [Laughter.] "And while you're having sex with them, I'll come in in my wheelchair [Norm squaks.] [Applause.]

That 'Melrose Place' Chick

CONAN: Alright everyone, we're back. Ladies and gentlemen, for the last five seasons, my next guest has played Allison Parker, one of the many dysfunctional but gorgeous residents of 'Melrose Place'. Please welcome Courtney Thorne-Smith. [Applause.]

[Courtney Thorne-Smith comes out and Norm gives her a lingering hug until Conan pulls him away.]

CONAN: Norm! Norm, you're sick, and you're all over her like a bear rug!

NORM: Before, during the commercial, I was saying I had a huge crush on her.

CONAN: Yeah?

NORM: And then, you said you did too. [Laughter.]

CONAN: I said I did. [To Courtney.] When you were on "Day by Day" I developed a big crush on you. And this whole talk show was a scheme to get you here.

NORM: I liked you when you were on "The Tomorow Show" with Tom Snyder. Ooh, not "The Tomorow Show," but "The Later Later Show."

COURTNEY: You have no idea who I am, do you?

NORM: No, I know you from that show.

CONAN: He said to me during the break he really liked you, and I asked him where he had seen you, and I asked him if he had seen you on "Melrose Place," and he said, "No, I was watching Tom Snyder and she was on and she was a great guest." And then I said, "Wait a minute! That's the show that's opposite our show." [Laughter.]

CONAN: Why weren't you watching our show, pal?

NORM: Because I wasn't on it that night. [Laughter.]

COURTNEY: Alright, I'm going to go --

CONAN: No! No, we have exciting stuff to talk about. You've been on this show "Melrose Place" for 5 years.

COURTNEY: 5 Years.

CONAN: And now, you're leaving. Why are you leaving?

COURTNEY: Ummm. It's just time. How many times can you be fired, rehired, drunk, sober --

CONAN: I understand. You must have got tired, because they had your character pretty much go insane. I mean, go through all these really weird --

COURTNEY: Allison has been through so much. I was sexually harassed, carjacked, had an affair with a married man -- who then tried to rape me, and shot himself while he was on the phone with me. ... I was drunk, sober -- well, getting sober, then I got to have an affair.....

CONAN: Did you shoot himself while he was on the phone? Just curious.

COURTNEY: Yeah, I was on the phone in the office, which made it really awkward, and he was in Seattle, and he shot himself while he was on the phone with me.

NORM: [Butting in.] Are you talking about 'Melrose Place'? [Laughter.]

CONAN: You're the biggest ass I've ever met -- [Laughter.] -- and I love you for it.

NORM: No, cause I swear to God, when I lived in L.A., I lived on the actual street called Melrose Place. There's an actual street.

CONAN: There's a Melrose. Is there really a Melrose Place?

NORM: There's really a Melrose Place.

COURTNEY: There is a Melrose Place.

NORM: You know this, right?

COURTNEY: Yes, it's true.

NORM: So, they opened a restaurant called "Melrose Place" on it, and it's right beside my house and every time I go out there's all these retards, like tourists, and these tourist retards are always fat and they're taking pictures standing in front of this restaurant.

CONAN: Uh-huh? [Norm shrugs his shoulders.] [Applause.] Well, thanks for the help, pal. [Laughter.] He'll get over it, you'll see. Now, I've got to ask you about this -- [Norm is talking quietly to Andy.] [Conan laughs.] Would you shut up?

NORM: I was talking to Andy!

ANDY: [Laughing.] Oh, that makes it alright. [Laughter.]

Carrot Top

CONAN: [To Courtney.] Well, I want to talk to you about something because this came up earlier in the show accidentally. Cause I didn't know what Norm was going to talk about tonight. And it's best sometimes if I don't know. But, he mentioned Carrot Top. You are making a movie with Carrot Top right?

COURTNEY: I MADE a movie with Carrot Top.

CONAN: You made a movie with Carrot Top, it's not out yet.

NORM: [Interrupting.] Wait a minute! She left "Melrose Place" to do a movie with Carrot Top?[Laughter.]

CONAN: That's where I'm going, my friend. [To Courtney.] This begs the question now, "Why a movie with carrot Top?"

COURTNEY: Why a movie with Carrot Top?

CONAN: I mean, no, I don't know much about Carrot Top. I'm a little jealous, cause he's a red-haired comedian and I felt like maybe you'd do a movie with me first, then move on to Carrot Top, then to Ralph Mouth from Happy Days. [Laughter.] -- Do you have a scene where you and he embrace?

COURTNEY: Yeah, lots of making out.

CONAN: [Disgusted.] Oh, for God's sake. [Laughter.]

COURTNEY: Nothing but making out. It's like "9 and 1/2 Weeks," but Carrot Top -- basically is what we were doing. [Laughter.]

CONAN: [Laughing.] Wow! I've got to check out that movie.

NORM: Is it called "9 and 1/2 Seconds?" [Applause.] -- Like he's a premature ejaculator -- [Applause.]

CONAN: [Laughs.] You know what happened? This is what happened, he said "9 and 1/2 Seconds" and I'm looking at him, cause I know there's more. Then I wait and wait, then I see the glimmer in the eye and BANG! I thought you were going to "crackwhore, dirty sex," but no -- [Laughter.]

CONAN: [To Courtney.] What's the movie going to be called?

NORM: [Interrupting.] I know what it's going to be called! [Laughter.]

CONAN: Yeah? What's that?

NORM: If it's got Carrot Top in it, you know what a good name for it would be?

CONAN: What's that, Norm?

NORM: "BOX OFFICE POISON!" [Applause.]

COURTNEY: [A little upset.] I'm in it, too! Come on! What about my career?

CONAN: SHE'S in it! Courtney Thorne-Smith, the girl sitting to your left, is IN THE MOVIE!

NORM: -- I'm going to go see it for Courtney. [Applause.]

COURTNEY: After you scare everyone else away?

NORM: No, I love this girl. I would go see ANY movie with this girl in it. She's a beautiful lady -- and a talented, nice -- talk show guest. [Applause.]

CONAN: As evidenced by her appearance on our RIVAL SHOW! [Laughter.] [To Courtney.] All right, there's this 2 hour finale of "Melrose Place." There's this movie coming out, title undetermined at this point --

COURTNEY: "Chairman of the Board."

CONAN: Oh, all right. [To Norm.] Do something with that, you freak. [Laughter.]

NORM: I bet the "Board" is spelled B-O-R-E-D ! [Huge laughter, applause.]

Thank you Lindsey Miller & Leanna Knowles transcribing this appearance!