The Late Show with David Letterman
FALL 1997 (CBS)
Dress For Success
DAVE: You know, I don't wanna tell you how to do your business but you got a suit on --
NORM: I should have a tie!
DAVE: -- Would it kill you to wear a tie? You know, just make me feel better.
NORM: No. You know what happened is I had a tie, and on the way here a dirty, homeless bum stole it. [Laughter.]
DAVE: No, no, no, that didn't happen. You look like you're in town on a convention and have decided to go nuts.
NORM: What?! [Laughter.]
Do I Look Gay?
NORM: I was in an elevator in this hotel, and there were these two Shriners, you know? And so I guess -- I don't know -- do I look like a gay guy or something? -- [Laughter.]
DAVE: What do you want to look like, Norm? What are you trying to look like?
NORM: I want to look like a guy that would not be on Cunanan's hit list. [Laughter.] But, I'm on this elevator you know, and there's three Shriner Guys. You know, the Shriner's? They wear the hats.
DAVE: Funny hats, yeah.
NORM: So they were going, "Hey, how are you doing there, fella?" You know, so I go, "I'm alright." And I was wearing this suit, you know? Because I'm at this hotel. And so they go, "Yeah? Hey, later on tonight, we've got a party going on up in our room. We've got some booze there, some broads." You know? The guy says, "You like the broads, don't you?" [Laughter.] So I go, "Yeah! I like the broads." An so he goes, "Oh yeah, I know. I wasn't saying anything. I just see by your suit there -- I thought maybe you were kind of a how-do-you-do." [Laughter.]
DAVE: How-do-you-do? What the hell does that mean?
NORM: That's a gay man!
DAVE: Oh. -- Um -- [Laughter.]
NORM: I don't know.
NORM: I was a little bit sick, you know. I went to the doctor. I always go to the doctor, you know, because I'm worried --
DAVE: When you're sick you go to the doctor?
NORM: Yeah, or even when I'm not, I -- What?
DAVE: Yeah, that's right.
NORM: Even when I'm not, I'm worried. I'm worried. Maybe today I'll get, like, bowel cancer or something, you know? Like, I get concerned. [Laughter.] I swear -- that might sound weird, but there actually is no such thing. I checked in a medical dictionary. [Laughter.] But I had to go to this doctor, and he gives me like -- he always gives me crazy things. And so he said, "I want to test out your body fat." You know? Meanwhile, I'm a really skinny guy. Like, my whole life I've been skinny. I've been self-conscience about it, you know? Self-conscious.
DAVE: Right. [Laughter.]
NORM: I always had problems with those words. I always thought conscience --
DAVE: I know. It's just fine. Don't worry about it. [Laughter.]
DAVE: This is not an elevator with Shriners so just relax. [Laughter.]
NORM: So the guy, he says -- I say, "I don't need no body fat thing, man. I'm a really skinny guy." So he puts these calipers on, you know? He tests me out and he comes back. It turns out, I'm fat as well as skinny! [Laughter.]
DAVE: It seems unlikely, doesn't it?
NORM: I'm skinny, but also fat. I'm bones and then fat around the bones. I have a horrible body! So the guy tells me, "You've got to get to one of them gyms."
DAVE: Oh, start working out a little bit?
Working Out Sucks
NORM: So I go to the gym, and holy lord. Have you ever been to one of these?
DAVE: No, I don't go to them.
NORM: They're crazy! They've got these weights, you know, that's the big thing, weights --
DAVE: The big weight machines, sure.
NORM: So you've got to like lift the weights, "Ahhh!!, it's really heavy!" [Laughter.] And then you've got to put it down, then afterwards lift it again, right away and it's endless! [Laughter.] It's like hundreds of lifting, and then afterwards you're just like sore, and you're not bigger at all. [Laughter.] And I don't want to be big. I have no use for being big. I'm just a guy. I watch some TV. I eat a fish sandwich. I don't got to be big, big. I don't need abs. What am I going to do with abs? [Laughter.] I could show them to my friends, I go, "Look at my belly, what I got here, some abs!" [Laughter.] ...
DAVE: ... maybe if you worked out a little bit, perhaps Shriners would leave you alone. [Laughter.] Wouldn't be a problem at all. [Applause.]
NORM: And so you go there and it's very nerve-wracking ... First the President goes on and talks. Of course, he does well he's the dirty President, you know? It's very hard to go on. I don't know if you're familiar with that old show biz maxim, Dave, "Never go on right directly after the President of the United States"? [Laughter.]
DAVE: Never follow the President of the United States, yeah.
NORM: Never, it should be you, then the leader of the free world after ... I was very nervous. And I have this technique, like, when I get nervous -- I have this thing where -- to relax -- I drink a lot of booze. [Laughter.]
DAVE: It helps you relax a little.
DAVE: Takes the edge off a busy day.
DAVE: No, that's good.
NORM: So then I realize I'm drunk! [Laughter.] And the president is over there, he's probably stoned, you know? [Laughter.] He enjoyed the wacky tobacky.
DAVE: Well, I know, he said he didn't really smoke, though.
NORM: He said?
DAVE: That's what he said.
NORM: Yeah, that's what he said.
NORM: I heard the inside scoop.
DAVE: What was that?
NORM: Apparently, a couple of years ago, Greg Norman had said to him, and this was like a thing, he said, "If you ever make a pass at my wife again, I'll smash your knee with a five iron, you dirty bastard!"
DAVE: Oh, so that's what happened. [Audience groans.]
NORM: ... I was thinking about it, you know. He was disabled, plus he's the President of the United States, can you imagine the parking spot that guy had probably?
DAVE: Wow! [Laughter.] It must have been something. [Applause.]
DAVE: Did you get to meet Clinton?
NORM: I met him. Yeah, you meet him. You go in this big room, and there's like a hundred guys. And there's just a bunch of people like me. And then Clinton comes in, he's the president. He walks around. He talks to everybody. And the weird thing is, he's got to talk to, you know, everybody, and he's got to say like all these things. And so he came up to me, and he was shaking my hand. He goes -- he shook my -- he's very charismatic. He's like a -- like a whatever, you know? [Laughter.] And he shakes my --
DAVE: What do you mean?
NORM: I don't know a lot of words! [Laughter.]
DAVE: A politician. He's a charismatic politician. Yeah.
NORM: So he comes to me and he shakes my hand, and he says to me, ... "I see you're eating a pickle." [Laughter.] Because I had a pickle, with a chunk missing on it, in my hand. It had bite marks, you know? So he left, and at first you're like, "Oh, the president." You don't realize he said this crazy pickle comment. But I guess he's got to think -- he can't say the same thing to every dude.
DAVE: Oh, he has to individualize it. Well, now, you thought of a word there.
DAVE: Yeah. [Laughter.] Ohhh boy.
NORM: They had Larry Flynt in his wheelchair. He had some problems there, you know?
DAVE: Yes. [Laughter.]
NORM: ... so after the thing he was wheeling around, and then he saw me. He goes, [slurred speech] "Hi, [unintelligible word]." He talks like that, you know?
DAVE: [Scolding] Alright, Norm.
NORM: But I'm just going to talk as if he talked regularly.
DAVE: Okay, fine. Thanks. [Laughter.]
NORM: So he goes, "Hey Norm!," you know? "Hey, how you doing?" So I go, "Hey, how's it going, Larry Flynt?" Then he goes, "Thanks for doing the movie." I was in his movie.
DAVE: Oh, you were in the movie.
NORM: Yeah, you know, "The People against Larry Flynt." (sic)
DAVE: Sure, yeah.
NORM: I was one of the people. [Laughter.] ... He says, "[slurring incoherently]." No, he says, "When you come out to L.A. -- " ... he being friendly, he says "Come out to L.A." Meanwhile, people are listening, because it's Larry Flynt talking to a guy. He goes, "When you come out to L.A. there, Norm. I'll take care of ya." You know? [Laughter.]
DAVE: Yeah, what exactly are we talking about, here?
NORM: I don't know ... Like if my Uncle Basil said that to me, that would mean, you know, he'd fix me a nice chicken pot pie. He'd take me to a Twins game. You know? He lives in the Minnesota area. Maybe some cherry cobbler. I don't know, you know? But Larry Flynt -- that's a different thing. [Laughter.] That's a different thing. That's a different thing.
DAVE: Oh, my. [Applause.]
Thank you Will Wilkinson for transcribing this appearance!