Dennis Miller Live
SPRING 1997 (HBO)

Quit Smoking

DENNIS: Remember when you wrote for my first talk show --

NORM: Yeah, you gave me my first job!

DENNIS: I used to come in the room and you and Drake Saylor had no lights on. It was like some fucking Anton LaVey satan cult in there. You guys used to turn out the sickest jokes ever. And, everybody was always smoking. Then I see you on Saturday Night Live during the opening credits -- one of the things I like about you is you're completely unfiltered on that show, you'll say anything -- I saw in the picture you had a cigarette in your mouth, and I thought, "This guy just doesn't give a shit." So, I asked you to come on and I find out you pussed out on me and quit smoking. What is that all about?

NORM: No, because it's bad for you! [Laughter.] They have these fucking things on the side you have to read the fine print where it says -- it's bad! [Laughter.]

Smoking Is Cool

DENNIS: When did you first start smoking?

NORM: I started smoking when I was a kid, like when I was ... like 14 and I thought, "I'll look really cool if I start smoking." Because I didn't get along with anybody. So, I started smoking, and wouldn't you know it? I did look cool! [Laughter.] All of the sudden, all these broads liked me and everything. Not broads, but ladies, girls, whatever. [Laughter.]

Old Guy Who Smokes

NORM: You know, some guys will say it's good because their uncle lived long, or something, and he smoked. You know, they'll go, "Hey, what about that old guy, Burt Muston? What about that guy?" You know? ... Just because he lived long, that doesn't mean anything, right? That's just one guy. You can't -- just cause Burt Muston lived long, you're all of a sudden --

DENNIS: You did your masters thesis on this, didn't you? [Laughter.]

Second-Hand Smoke

NORM: When I smoked, I didn't like second-hand smoke. [Laughter.] You know? I like that first-hand smoke because you get to suck it right out of the cigarette, you know? And that second-hand -- any fucking thing that's already been ingested by someone is not as good. [Laughter.] You know what I mean? Like a pork sandwich is delicious, but ... a digested pork sandwich? That's fucking shit! [Laughter.] You know?!

DENNIS: You can't fight that logic, Norman. [Laughter.]

Luring Kids To Smoking

DENNIS: Do you think advertising brings kids to smoking? You know, there's a lot of fight with the Joe Camel thing, do you think they really --

NORM: Yeah, they g -- no -- yeah, definitely they gotta, because the thing is this: [Laughter.] the advertisers, they've gotta go after kids because they're not gonna get adults. Like, there's not gonna be a 50-year-old guy going, "Hey, I should start smoking! That goddamn camel! Look at him!" [Laughter.]

Cock Talk I

DENNIS: Joe Camel!

NORM: Yeah.

DENNIS: That's a frightening looking beast.

NORM: Cause he looks like a cock! [Laughter.] I didn't make this up.

DENNIS: I know you don't mind first-hand cock, but, ahh -- [Laughter.]

NORM: What?! You don't know that! Don't say that! [Applause.]

Homosexuality

NORM: A buddy of mine, working on Saturday Night Live, and he said he was a fag once, as a joke. And then he says everybody comes up to him and says, "Hey, are you a fag?" Gay man, I mean. [Laughter.]

DENNIS: It's a show about smoking. They thought you meant the British word for cigarette.

NORM: Exactly. "Can I bum a fag?" That's what they say in England. [Laughter.]

DENNIS: Where else?

Cock Talk II

NORM: The thing about Joe Camel looking like a cock, Dennis --

DENNIS: Oh yeah, I lost my train of thought! [Laughter.] Thanks for bringing me back!

NORM: ... This is what I've noticed. He doesn't even look like a fucking camel. He looks so much like a cock, because you know how it's usually subliminal, where you have to find the cock? Right? [Laughter.] This character, you have to find the goddamn camel! [Laughter.]

DENNIS: Yeah. Believe me, when you only get two humps out of a cock, it's not worth smoking! [Laughter.]

Yes, Caller...

DENNIS: On line two, we've got Beverly from Middleton, Ohio. Beverly?

BEVERLY: Yeah. Hi, Dennis. Hi, uh -- Norm.

NORM: Hi. You didn't know my name, I don't think.

BEVERLY: Yes I did. I watch Saturday Night.

NORM: Do you like it?

BEVERLY: Yep.

NORM: I liked it when Dennis was on it. [Laughter.]

DENNIS: Get out of here! You're great at that, man. You're great at that. You know why? Cause you don't give a shit about Dennis. You know what I mean? It's like the best thing you can do. Whenever I'd go on, they'd go, "What's it like following Chevy?" And I like Chevy. He makes me laugh. I mean, what the fuck do I think about Chevy? I'm trying to make a living here. You know what I mean? When I see you, I know you're thinking the same thing. Like, "Screw Dennis, I'm a killer."

Cock Talk III

DENNIS: What motivated you to quit?

NORM: Umm, well, I guess, you know, I guess I was just, I read this thing about how, ahh, it was like a phallic symbol. And my doctor said, "You probably have an oral fixation." Which, you know what that means. Let's not kid ourselves, right? [Laughter.] So, ahh, [Laughter.] That's why I always smoked, like, cigarettes instead of cigars because, if I'm going to have a -- I'd like a little, white, thin cock. [Laughter.] You know?

DENNIS: Are we back to cocks again? I go away to Ohio. Middleton. The center of the universe, to take a nice, clean call, and then I space out. I'm thinking, "I can't listen to Norm for a second. I've gotta get a time cue here." I come back and you're talking about a thin white cock in your mouth! [Laughter.]

NORM: I don't have -- no! I don't have a thin, white cock -- my cock, you mean? No! In my mouth, no, no. You misunderstand what I'm saying is this --

DENNIS: Don't make the mistake of thinking I fucking listen to you!

NORM: I just want to make it clear about that cock thing. [Laughter.] I was just saying, if I ever was gay, if they, like, suddenly made it mandatory or something, then I would choose the smallest cock. [Laughter.] And I would like a guy who came fast. [Laughter.] I thought the subject was cocks! [Laughter.]

DENNIS: No, cocks is next week!

NORM: I'm sorry. [Laughter.]

Thank you Patrick Baldwin for transcribing this appearance.