The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Spring 1997 (NBC)

Hi, I'm Bob Kendall

NORM: Ah, I'm getting recognized now, you know? Not as much as a real famous guy, but like, halfway between like a real famous guy and a guy who's not famous at all.

JAY: Yeah. Yeah, that would make sense, sure.

NORM: So, ah, like, when I was flying a weird thing happened. Like, I sat down on a plane and I had to sit beside a stranger, another guy, you know? So I'm sitting beside this guy, and the guy goes, he goes, ah, "Hey, man, I really like you on the show, on Saturday Night Live, Bob." He calls me Bob. And so I go, "Hey, thanks alot." You know? He goes, "Yeah, I like when you do Dole, you know? Bob..." You know? And I go, "Thanks." You know? And I figure, "What the hell, Bob? That's a name, like any other. Yeah, it's alright. So I go, I'll just go along with the guy. So he was calling me Bob and everything. Then, this other character, later on in the flight, about 2 hours into the flight. He comes out of the bathroom, you know? He was in the bathroom. [Laughter] So he comes out and he's walking down, and suddenly he sees me, you know, he recognizes me. And he goes, "Hey, you're that guy, from Saturday Night Live, right?" And I go, "Yeah, yeah." And he goes, "What's your name? What's your name?" And I go, "It's Bob. My name is Bob." So then the guy goes, "Yeah, oh yeah, Bob." He goes, "Bob, what? What's your last name?" So then I was going to say, "Macdonald." But then I thought, maybe it'll like trigger something in the guy's mind, and he'll remember my actual name. Maybe by saying "Bob Macdonald", he'll go, "No---It's Norm Macdonald!" Right? Then the other guy will go, "What? I thought you were Bob!" Right? So I'm thinking quick. This is all going on in my head quick "snap, snap." So I immediately realize I can't say Macdonald so I try and think of another name. I have to say, you can't wait like 5 minutes, you know? You can't ponder and go, "What's my last name? That's an interesting question...." [Laughter] You have to immediately say something, so I say, "Bob Kendall." Like that, because I used to have a teacher, Mr. Kendall. So I say, "Bob Kendall." So then the guy goes, "Yeah, Bob Kendall...yeah...Bob Kendall." [Laughter] He made like a face like that....

Cat Lover?

NORM: I have a cat, you know?

JAY: You have a cat? I didn't know you were a big cat lover.

NORM: Sure. Oh yeah. No, I don't love them, but I have one.

JAY: I don't understand that.

NORM: I keep it at a platonic, ahh level, you know? [Laughter]

JAY: Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. [Laughter]

Feline Heart Attack

NORM: [My friend] goes, "Hey Norm, I'll give you my cat, free." You know? So I'm all looking for a good deal, you know? A free cat. So I get this cat. So then, like a couple weeks later, he has a heart attack.

JAY: The cat?

NORM: Yeah. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

JAY: No no, but....

NORM: I know. Who would know a cat could even have a heart attack? It's crazy.

JAY: So what happened?

NORM: I come home, I came home, and I go, okay. And I walk through my door, you know, into my apartment. And there's the cat...and he's got like foam coming out of his mouth and he's going like, "[Hiss...Hiss...]". [Laughter] And there's foam and everything. And he's like crazy, you know? He's acting like a crazy cat. And so, like I'm scared, I don't want to go near him cause I can tell, like he's delirious and maybe, I don't know....he could think I was a mouse or something, you know? And like, bite me. [Laughter]

Rescue 911

NORM: So I go, "I've gotta do something, man. My cat, something's wrong with him. You know? He's not supposed to be doing this." So quickly, I think quick, you know? I grab the phone, I phone 911, you know? And, ahh, it turns out, they don't want to hear about a cat. [Laughter] That's only for people. You know? They said that to me, "This is for people!" So I said, "Alright, alright, I don't know what to do. What's the cat number?" They go, "Just get off the phone!" You know? They've gotta keep the lines free. You know what I'm saying? [Laughter]

My Neighbor Bill

NORM: So I don't know what to do, so my ahh, my neighbor, you know, Bill?

JAY: Yeah...

NORM: You know, you know, It doesn't matter what his name is, but his name is Bill. [Laughter] So I knock on his door, "Bill! Bill! Bill!" He's not home, some other guy is there. I don't know what the hell is going on there. [Laughter] But ahh, the other guy comes, I don't ask questions, you know? [Laughter] So I say, "Listen, I don't know who you are, I don't know what you're doing at Bill's place, but my cat is in deep trouble, you know? He's going, "[Hiss]", and he's got stuff coming out." So the guy goes, "We've got to get him to a hospital." You know? So I go, "Look, I just phoned 911, ahh, I'm sure they don't want to see a cat at a hospital either," He goes, "No, there's animal hospitals, you know?" So he took me to a place called an animal hospital. I swear to god they actually have these. You can bring your cat there. [Laughter] Do you have a cat?

JAY: Yeah, I know of animal hospitals. They have them all over the place. Quite common, but go ahead. [Laughter]

The Pet Hospital

NORM: I bring my cat in, I go, "Doc! Doc!" There's a doc there, they have doctors. Yeah, they have cat doctors. So I go, "Listen, Doc, my cat, something..." So they take him away, you know? And I'm sitting in like a waiting room. It's exactly like a real place, except ridiculous, you know? [Laughter] Everyone's sitting around, they're worried, you know, "Oh...I hope my, ahh, dog is alright." You know? So ahh, so ahh, [Laughter] So I go ah, so the guy brings me in his office and he goes, "Listen." He goes, "Ahh, your cat's had a heart attack." So I go, "Come on, my cat...doesn't have a heart attack..." [Laughter] And he goes, "No, seriously." And I go, "How can a cat have a heart attack?" He goes, "Oh, many different things," He goes, "Ahh, diet, stress, you know?" Like, how the hell could a cat have stress? You know? That's not true. The guy's just making up stuff, you know?

JAY: You think he's making up stuff?

NORM: Well, no. My cat has a big promotion coming up, he's got a...he's all worried, you know? And ahh, so I said to the guy, "OK." I go, "Fair enough. I'll go along with it." He goes, "Now, I'll let you visit with your cat." They have a visiting time. This is the oddest part of the whole thing. They take you in a room, and then they bring your cat in, and he's all drugged up, they've got him drugged, and they put him on like a gurney, and he's like, standing there like this. And then the guy says, "Ok. You only have 30 minutes to talk to your cat." So they leave you in a room with a cat for like 30 minutes. It's crazy. Then after like 5 minutes, you go, "I've got a life to get back to, you know? I can't talk to a cat!" [Laughter]

Thank you Patrick Baldwin for transcribing this appearance.