Late Night with Conan O'Brien
SPRING 1997 (NBC)

Gay Porn

CONAN: ... you're enjoying life. You doing that -- you call it the fake news.

NORM: Yeah, I like doing that. Because I can always keep up with the news. And, also, before I start with my jokes. [Laughter.] ... I said a thing on the last show about Andy [Richter] enjoying gay porn. [Laughter.]

CONAN: Right. Yeah, yeah. I remember you saying that.

NORM: I thought later that was just a stupid thing to do. [Laughter.] ... so, he doesn't like gay porn.

ANDY RICHTER: I can't stand gay porn. Gay porn? No thanks! So, if you're getting me a birthday present. NO GAY PORN! [Laughter.]

The News

NORM: ... Dick Morris is getting a new show. Did you hear about that?

CONAN: Dick Morris the presidential adviser in the scandal. Yeah.

NORM: Did you hear that now he's getting a show?! Can you believe the guy's actually getting a show on the TV?! It's a morning show, it's called "Good Morning, Whores!" [Laughter.]

CONAN: ... I'd watch that in a second.

NORM: What else? The Mad Chopper! Have you heard about that guy? ... He's the Mad Chopper. And they let him out, and of course, what's he going to do? He's the Mad Chopper. [Laughter.] He starts chopping people! They should never let a guy out with that nickname. [Laughter.] ... Always in the paper, they make a story seem like there's two sides to it. Because they interview different people, and one guy goes, "You know, he was a nice guy. He gave me a birthday cake once. And one day he fixed my stereo." And then they interview another guy, "Yeah! THAT GUY CHOPPED ME UP!" [Laughter.] And they go, "There's two sides to the Mad Chopper." It's crazy! And there's this other story about the Incubus. Do you know about this?

CONAN: It's a sneaker or something?

NORM: It's a woman's shoe. It's a shoe for women. And it's called the Incubus. And then it turns out the Incubus is a guy from way back in the old days. He's a medieval demon that has ... unconsentual sex with women in their sleep. [Laughter.]

CONAN: Really? He was a mythological character.

NORM: Yeah, he didn't really exist but, still, he was a bad, bad demon! [Laughter.] And then they go and name the shoe that! ... [Laughter.]

Lent

NORM: You have to give up stuff on Lent. So, every year on Lent, I give up stuff. And, I made up a list ... I gave up power lifting. [Laughter.] I didn't want to do that anymore. And then I gave up lifting of any kind. [Laughter.] And then I gave up dressing up like an Incubus -- now that people know what it is. [Laughter.] Then I gave up -- this isn't a good one -- I gave up feeding my cat. [Laughter.] ... And then I gave up spending thousands of dollars trying to methodically seduce Andy's wife. [Laughter.] ... Plus, it gives [the audience] the idea Andy has a wife! [Laughter.]

Goat Sex

NORM: My uncle Phil ... he's a good man, uncle Phil. ... He's a Jack of all trades. He was telling me, he said, "The problem is you're not really appreciated for any single thing. Because you're so good at so many things." So, he says to me one time, "Norm." We were just walking through his town of Monkland, Maine. And we were just walking through the town. He's an old fella. He's 80. Eighty years young, he says. He goes, "Norm, you see that barn over there?" I look over, and there's a barn. And I go, "Yeah. Yeah." He goes, "I built that barn with my own hands. All by myself. But, do they say, 'There's Phil the barn builder'? No, sir!" I say, "Yeah. Yeah." He goes, "Look over there. See that weather balloon?" [Laughter.] He says, "Norm, you don't know this about me, but I was one of the first men ever to fly in a weather balloon. But, do they say, 'Hey, there goes Phil the weather balloon pioneer'? NO!" He says, "Look over there. There's a bakery that I started. That dirty bastard Bob has it now, but I'm the guy that started that bakery!" And I go, "Alright, alright. Easy." [Laughter.] He goes, "I started that bakery, and I was the best baker. But does anybody go, 'Oh, there goes Phil the great baker'? NO! -- But, let me tell you something, Norm. You have sex with ONE GOAT!" [Laughter.] And he says, "They say, 'There goes Phil the dirty goat ... ' " [Laughter.]