The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
APRIL 22, 1998 (NBC)

Earth Day

JAY LENO: You having a nice Earth Day?

NORM MACDONALD: Earth Day? Yeah, I'm enjoying it. I do what I do on all -- I got drunk. [Laughter] That's what I do when there's a holiday. But, no, it's nice. I appreciated the Earth.

JAY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NORM: I don't appreciate the Earth. I don't even get it. It's just a bunch of dirt isn't it? [Laughter] Just a giant, round ball of dirt.

JAY: Yeah, that's one way of looking at it.

NORM: Yeah, I don't like the Earth.

JAY: Not an Earth fan, eh?

NORM: Nah. I don't care for the Earth. But, apparently -- I was seeing on the news there -- that the Clinton, President Clinton, celebrated Earth Day. He had sex with a tree. [Laughter].

JAY: Really?

NORM: But, it's none of our business, ya know?

Disney World

NORM: [Costumed Disney characters] even give autographs. What the hell do you want an autograph from a bitter college student making four bucks an hour? [Laughter] But, I didn't stand in line. That was an hour line to get an autograph from one of these guys. What I did, was I got autographs from some of the characters my kids weren't aware of -- that are at Disney Land. I got an autograph from Security Man Guy [Laughter], Mr. Popcorn Stand [Laughter] ...

NORM: Mickey Mouse was taking a picture with a little two-year-old. The two-year-old's father was taking the picture. And the kid slipped out of Mickey's hands and fell down. Fortunately, Mickey has giant shoes [Laughter], so it protected the child from smashing into the concrete. It bounced off the shoes. It was bedlam, everyone was scared and everything. Everyone was worried and yelling. Meanwhile, Mickey has this big smile on his face [Laughter]. He can't change his expression, ya know. [Laughter].

Animal Kingdom

NORM: ... The problem with the real animals is: You gotta look at the giant animal penises all over the place. [Nervous laughter].

JAY: I never thought of it that way. That's one way of looking at it.

NORM: It was horrible. They should do it like the Disney World -- put a pair of pants on them. [Laughter]. Nobody wants to see that.

JAY: That would be my first concern. I would think the kids would want autographs.

NORM: Especially the giraffe. Holy Lord almighty! [Laughter]. I've never seen anything like it. You try to explain it the best you can to my little five-year-old, "That's his, um, trunk." [Laughter]. I don't know. I don't want him to know that real animals are all dirty. [Laughter]. Those real animals, I think all they want is dirty, dirty sex.

Comedy Clubs In Canada

NORM: ... It's kinda rough there, because they got a lot of people who, like, hate me. [Laughter]. ... I played one [town]: Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump. [Laughter]. It's a crazy place. You know how it got its name? There was a guy, in the old days, the buffalo used to run. Open. In the planes. It was beautiful. Back, way back, in the 70s. [Laughter]. And they would run. So they way they'd catch them, Jay. Is they'd dig a hole with a shovel. And then the buffalo -- they're dumb animals -- they'd just run and run and run and fall into the hole. Right? Well, one time this Indian dude -- a brave, ya know. He was digging the whole and he didn't hear all the buffalo were already running. Then, all the buffalos fell on his head and smashed it in. So, then, they called the town: Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump. [Thin laughter]. It's a very unwieldy name ...

NORM: ... [Audiences in Canada] were horrible! Man, they hated my guts! I remember this one gig I did. I went in and the guy said, "You have to do an hour. I don't want you doing any shorter than an hour. Because a lot of guys will just run away in the middle." A lot of comedians would freak out and bolt, because everyone hated them. I said, "Alright, alright, I'll do an hour." So, I do an hour and they hate me the whole time. They're screaming and yelling and saying they don't like me and everything. So, then, at the end of it I have to host this thing they have. It's called a Joke Contest. It's where members of the audience will come up and tell jokes. And I'd be the emcee. But, they hated me. So I'd go, "Here, come up here. You got a joke, there, Bill?" So every guy is using me in the joke. Contestant: "OK, uh. What's your name again?" Norm: "Norm." Contestant: "Yeah, there's this fruit Norm!" [Laughter]. And then everyone would laugh. And this one dude, he had a beer. He'd take a swing of beer and go, "Hey, Norm, you wanna see my impression of a whale?" I'd go, "Yeah, alright, I enjoy whales." Then he spit all the beer in my face like the spout of a whale. And then, he won! [Laughter].

Dirty Work

NORM: I've never done a movie before. That's hard, man. Holy Lord! First of all, you gotta go by a different name in the movie. My name's Norm, as you know. [Laughter]. In the movie, I play this dude, Mitch. It's hard. A guy calls you Mitch and you go, "What?!" [Laughter]. They go, "Cut!!! We're wasting money!" And they get all mad. I go, "I'm sorry! The guy called me Mitch! Why can't he call me Norm?!" [Laughter]. It's just a name, who the hell cares?! [Laughter].