The Late Show with David Letterman
MAY 1, 1998 (CBS)

Mutual Admiration Club

DAVID LETTERMAN: ... I think you're very funny, Norm. I always enjoy your work. I'm glad you're here. Nice to have you.

NORM MACDONALD: Me to, man! You're the funniest dude in the world!

DAVE: No, no I'm not. I'm just mediocre funny.

NORM: You got the thousand shows. One thousand shows.

DAVE: You're really funny. And you'll always have that. I'm just a dork.

NORM: What?!

DAVE: I'm just a dork. Just a guy trying to make a buck.

NORM: No! What?! ...

Life After SNL

DAVE: What have you been doing? ...

NORM: I've got a lot of free time now. [Laughter] So what I did was, I returned to my first love: Dance! [Laughter] I returned to my first love: standup comedy.

Pay-Per-View Movies

NORM: I ordered Pulp Fiction ... It's a gritty, urban satire. [Laughter] It said that on the little thing. I wouldn't have known. [Laughter] So I said, "Yeah, I'll get Pulp Fiction, I've heard great things about that." So, I order it, right? And they send me a different movie, by the name of: Pump Friction! [Laughter] ... Well, it's different than Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction is a gritty, urban satire. [Laughter] Pump Friction is a bunch of dudes and ladies having dirty sex! [Laughter] ... It wasn't a bad movie, you know. [Laughter] Actually, with those dirty movies, I find they're good for about 15-20 minutes. I'm really interested. And then there's one point where all of the sudden I'm bored! [Laughter] I just lose interest completely, and I feel deeply ashamed. [Laughter] ...

Broadway Plays With Mom

NORM: ... I took [my mom] to see "How To Succeed In Business Even If You Don't Really Care To." [Laughter] ... Oh my god, it's horrible. [Laughter] They have little chairs, so you're all crunched up. It costs like 90 bucks. [Laughter] Then you sit there and watch it. And these dudes come in and they're all doing stuff, you know. The thing is, you've got to use your imagination a lot. It's an office, right? Meanwhile it's just a chair and a desk. [Laughter] And then they have like maybe a window with a fake moon behind it. "Oh, I guess it's nighttime, there." [Laughter] It's just hellish. And everybody's singing every time. [Laughter] Singing and dancing around. ... it's lasting forever, and you're watching the stuff, trying to imagine what it would really look like on the TV. [Laughter] So then finally, finally the damn thing is over -- it takes like an hour and a half. You go, "OK, let's get the hell out of here!" You go out. It's not over! It's intermission. [Laughter] ... and I'm going, "Holy Lord!" [Laughter] I see some dude that works there and I say, "Hey, listen. You got that Nicks/Charolette game on somewhere?" ... the guy, "No! No, sir! No! No!" I go, "Anything? The SportsTicker? Something like that?" He goes, "No, this is THE theatre!" He's all snoody. THE theatre? Nah, it's A theatre. There's a whole bunch of them. [Laughter]

... I go to "Cats." I don't know if I'm an idiot, or everyone else is an idiot. It's probably me. [Laughter] It's about CATS! [Laughter] It's about ACTUAL cats. So, at halftime, during the thing, I go out, and I say to the dude working there, "Good god, man! That's about ACTUAL CATS!" [Laughter] So the guy goes, "Well what the hell did you expect! It says 'CATS'!" [Laughter] I go, "I don't know. I thought it was symbolism." You know what I mean? If you went to "Dog Day Afternoon" and it was a bunch of dogs in the afternoon, you'd want your money back! ...

Dave At The Doughnut Shop

NORM: ... we're walking down the street and my mom stopped at a doughnut shop. She likes eating doughnuts. [Laughter] ... I waited outside, and she comes out, "Oh, Norm! Oh my god. You wouldn't believe it! Your friend David Letterman is in the doughnut shop." She thinks we're friends, you know. [Laughter] ... I told her we were best friends. [Laughter] I go, "Mom, David Letterman is not in the doughnut shop. It doesn't make sense. He's my best friend, and I would know." [Laughter] She says, "Oh, no, no, no. Just go in and say, 'Hi' to him. He'd like to see you." So I go into the doughnut shop, and there's a dude sitting there. He's not you. He's just some dude with a "LateShow" T-shirt on. I think he was even like a Mexican guy, or something like that. [Laughter] I said, "Oh man, that can't be David Letterman." I walk out and I say, "Mom! That was him, but he's busy, you know [Laughter] ...