Dennis Miller Live
MAY 8, 1998 (HBO)

Cock Talk

MILLER: Alright, you all know my next guest from his hysterically funny work on Saturday Night Live. His new movie, which he wrote and stars in, called Dirty Work opens on June 5th. Please welcome Norm MacDonald, ladies and gentleman. Norm!

SPADE: Norman!

MILLER AND MACDONALD GROWL INCOHERENTLY

SPADE: Yeah! How are you, Norm?

MACDONALD: Alright, man.

MILLER: Normy...

MACDONALD: I thought about something, about- about cocks, earlier backstage [Laughter]

MILLER: You've got a little Miles Davis "Bitches Brew" cock riff, here! Don't you?

MACDONALD: No, I'm just thinking, you know 'cause that, they have that Viagra thing out...

MILLER: Yeah.

MACDONALD: ...and the other day, you know, Bob Dole said, came right out and said...

MILLER: He was one of the first.

MACDONALD: Yeah, and the, you know, you don't want to hear about Bob Dole's cock. You know? [Laughter] I mean, President Clinton's cock, Bob Dole's cock. What the hell? But, mostly, an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a super-hard cock. [Laughter] You know what I mean?

MILLER: Why?

MACDONALD: WHY?? Because an old man, you want him to be a - got a pipe going, the newspaper, the dog at this feet there.

MILLER: Well, that in some corners is considered "pipe."

MACDONALD: Oh-ho! ... But, now they're going to have to create some goddamn pill tha-that makes women aroused at the sight of a fucking 70-year-old dude with a super-hard cock. You know what I'm saying? [Laughter] It's crazy, this Viagra. It's insane. And you know what it's for? Impotent people. Alright, it's for impotent guys. So, get this, the- I read this. Uh, the, the pill can make your cock hard for four hours.

MILLER: Right.

MACDONALD: So, now, who has the four-hour-hard cock? THE IMPOTENT GUYS! [Laughter] The rest of us are fucked! [Laughter] Me and you [Dennis Miller]... Me and you got our regular cocks. Meanwhile, fucking Spade is, you know -- [Huge laugh] ...

MILLER: Oh, man! I didn't see it! [Laughter]

SPADE: I didn't see it coming either.

MILLER: I know you didn't! He brought it all around, and then a vicious rib kick into his best friend's gut! [Laughter]

SPADE: Once there's too much cock talk, I try to just zone out for a minute until it goes back the other way.

MACDONALD: If, if there's too much cock talk, this guy has fevered nightmares all night. Dreams, I mean, like. Sweaty, fevered dreams. From the- from the cock talk that's been all over his head. [Laughter] Cock! Cock! Cock!

SPADE: Why bury me twice? He's killing me.

MACDONALD: No, he's a good man. [Laughter] ...

SPADE: That erased it. Alright.

MILLER: "You know, he's a good man."

MACDONALD: Who cares? Gays...

MILLER: After all that that's, that's the White Out he puts on, you know.

SPADE: I know...

MILLER: After he talks about you doing shit-ups on cock for eighteen minutes and then says, "Nah, he's a good guy."

MACDONALD: If you were gay- He's a completely straight guy. He gets a lot of ladies. You know that about him, with the ladies?

MILLER: Don't say "ladies."

MACDONALD: Women? Girls? Yeah.

MILLER: Okay, thank you. Ladies? What do we have, a fuckin' on an FM station, here?

SPADE: He's Don Cornelius.

MACDONALD: But these gay guys, man, I was reading, you know about the...

SPADE: These gay guys.

MILLER: I haven't even said "Hi" yet. Alright, you... Alright, tell me what it is with these gay guys.

SPADE: I know, I'm already stepping out, here.

George Michael

MACDONALD: I just read this thing about the Michael, uh, George Michael...

MILLER: You're reading a lot, aren't you?

MACDONALD: Nah, I read- I' got a little time off. Now I read the newspaper. [Laughter] ... And this is really strikes me about the gay community, I don't know if they're a community, but... But, uh...

SPADE: Called West Hollywood.

MACDONALD: Yeah, they're- they're- they're gay and it's- You know George Michaels? He hangs around the bathrooms and has sex with multiple guys. This is like-

MILLER: Now, now, now wait. You've got to get it right, I. Hangs around the bathroom. And it was, ah, described as a "lewd behavior." But, I don't remember "sex with numerous guys." Is that what you took away form it?

MACDONALD: What does he do?

MILLER: What, were you in the next stall? [Laughter]

MACDONALD: I could have been. Just having a nice bathroom regular thing.

MILLER: I don't know what "lewd behavior" is, but I don't know that he was in there with numerous guys, but anyway, but we get the gist of it.

MACDONALD: This is definitely a gay thing, like. Because this is a pop superstar. You know what I mean? You're not going to walk into a- a bathroom and all of a sudden Farrah Fawcett is like AHHHHHHHH! (Does wild pantomime of Fawcett masturbating), you know [Huge laugh] ...You're not gonna.

SPADE: What?? I love it.

MACDONALD: What I'm saying is why would a- why would a famous pop star...

MILLER: What was she doing? What was that, some sort of a cervical belt sander thing? Or, what was that.

MILLER REPEATS PANTOMIME

MILLER: How? Christ, what are you, Linda Blair?

SPADE: That's what they do. That's what they do, right?

MACDONALD: That what, that's what ladies that I know do. But, but my...

MILLER: Good, good to know the prime time exposure's paying dividends, there, big guy.

MACDONALD: But I, I think that's what it is. It's that the gay- uh, the, that's why they have separate bathrooms, let's face it. If they had women and la- uh women, as you call them, I call them ladies, if you had 'em in the same bathroom...

MILLER: Like Ally McBeal.

MACDONALD: Like you go to the bathroom, there, to do your business, to see a man about a dog, there, you know, [Laughter] and you're in the bathroom. You're in the bathroom, all of a sudden a beautiful lady comes out, "Ho! Here's my vagina and breasts!" You're going to be hanging out at that bathroom a lot! [Laughter] So, I don't blame anybody for anything. [Laughter]

MILLER: Can you believe Ohlmeyer didn't get him?

MACDONALD: We're all the same, man.

Don Ohlmeyer

MILLER: Have you st- Have you ever met Ohlmeyer since then?

MACDONALD: Don Ohlmeyer I met once, yeah, after he fired me. Then I went and visited him at his office, which was, uh, wasn't an office I've ever seen, it was like a wet bar, and a, ah, a bunch of weird sports trophies. He's a big sports guy, you know. So, he explained it to me, what happened. But, he did it all with sports stuff. You know, like, he said, "Oh, man, you see, you're the number three hitter, but now, you're going to be number eight. And then, later on, uhh, Ken Griffey'll show up." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. And then I said, "Well, Christ, man. What the hell am I supposed to do?" And he goes, "Uh, I don't know. Just walk it off," you know and, uh...[Laughter]

MILLER: I'll put it in sports terms -- why you got fired -- you were fucking with O.J. too much. That's exactly why you were fired, man. That's his buddy.

MACDONALD: Well, I don't know about that. Yeah, that's his buddy.

MILLER: Well, That's why you got canned.

MACDONALD: OJ's a good guy. [Huge Laughter] ...I mean, he's not a...

MILLER: Well- We gotta end on that, Normy, but the- there's what they'll remember you by.

MACDONALD: Hey, congratulations, man. You're hundredth.

MILLER: "OJ's a good guy," thanks for coming by. Norm Macdonald and David Spade, stick around.

Initially and horribly transcribed by Patrick Baldwin
Accurately retranscribed by TLCK
Audio found off Kazaa