The Carson Daly Show
JUNE 1-5, 1998 (MTV)

KRISTI What do you look for in a woman? Usually my car keys.

Skinny, Hairy, White Ass Fund

When Norm first showed up on "Monday" (actually, just the first hour of the 5-hour taping), he wasn't quite dressed for ocean-side frolicking. So, for the rest of the "week," Carson collected money from the audience -- the "Skinny White Ass Fund." The idea being: to get Norm into a swim suit by "Friday." Well, they raised nearly $60, but Our Hero could not be cajoled into baring his "hairy" self. (I don't know about you guys, but I think Carson was a little too "into" this running gag. As he actually seemed DISAPPOINTED when Norm couldn't be bribed.) Norm did offer Carson a suggestion, "We could just abandon the bit, split that cash, and go get some booze tonight."

A Revenge Story

NORM: Well, this wasn't my idea, but my buddy did it when we were in college. We sent these dudes at this fraternity we didn't like a big bunch of doughnuts. And then they ate the doughnuts. And underneath the doughnuts we had a Polaroid of me and my buddy with the doughnuts on our [penises.] [Laughter.]

CARSON: That's good! Why didn't you write that into the movie?

NORM: We did. They wouldn't let us do it.

SCOTT How do you deal with hecklers? What I like to do is -- if they yell at me -- I offer to give them $100 to shut up.

Don Rickles

NORM: Rickles just insults everybody all the time. Most of his insults don't even make sense. [Laughter.] Like he'll just go, "Why don't you go to Alaska, and suck on a whale?!" [Laughter.] You don't know what it means, but it's funny.

Day 3: Hottie Watch

EDITOR'S NOTE: I know this doesn't have much to do with Norm, but I hope y'all will forgive this moment of self indulgence. You see, while reviewing all FIVE FREGGIN' HOURS of Daly tapes (not all at once, mind you) -- I fell in love. It was Day 3 of the Seaside Heights experience, Norm was half-answering one of Carson's mind-numbing questions, when I saw her. A Vision. A blonde Vision in blue jeans and a strained bikini top. God bless MTV. Heck, while He's at it ... go ahead and bless the cameraman made made sure to keep the Vision in frame, even when Norm would lean forward. Now, you're probably saying, "Poor, Noel. The bleary-eyed bastard should really cut back on the Jolt Cola and Twizzlers." No, this is for real. This is love -- I even hear music when I see her. Unfortunately, it's Ace of Base covering "Unchained Melody." But, music nonetheless. Here's where you -- the readers of The Fake News -- come in. I know someone out there must know this Vision. Go to her. Tell her of my love: "Whoever you are. Let's go to Las Vegas. Let's get married -- for awhile."

Chris Farley

CARSON: Chris Farley has to be just one of the funniest people. Is he that funny in real life too?

NORM: Yeah, he was funny all the time. Constantly. He's the only guy I've met who could make young people, old people, smart people, dumb people -- it didn't matter. He could make anyone laugh, and he did it constantly. He was great -- he was probably the best comedian I ever saw in my life.

CARSON: How long had you known Chris?

NORM: I knew him about five years. He was a real sweet guy to. And, he did this movie for free, just to hang out. I'm proud that he's in the movie. He was really, really funny in it.

CARSON: Was there anything when you shot it, that sort of made you go, "Wow. He's a little out of control. Something bad might happen?" Was there any sign of anything?

NORM: No. No. When he worked, he was completely straight all the time. Because he was just consumed with his work. Whatever he did, he did like a thousand times more than anybody else. ... when he got into work, that's when he was the straightest.

DANA What's your favorite remedy for a hang over? Have you ever heard the expression: "Take some of the hair of the dog that bit you"? After I've been drinking, I'll find a dog and bite some of its hair off.

Foot Massages Don't Mean Shit

You can imagine how MTV launched this plan, "Hmmm. Let's see. Macdonald's movie is called 'Dirty Work.' Hmmm. Hey, I've got it! We'll have members of the audience do his dirty work. Get it? HUH! HUH! HUH! Yeah, we'll have a guy fish a picture of Donna D'Errico out of the toilet. And, then -- get this -- we'll have someone give Norm a pedicure!" Oh, boy. That's a hoot, huh? No. But, the lovely Natalie seemed tickled to death about being selected to wrestle Norm's toes:

Screwdrivers

CARSON: Think back to when you were like 18. Did you ever do anything like get a tattoo, or get pierced -- or like summer came around and you sorta went nuts?

NORM: Uh, I used to drink alot. [Laughter.] One time, when I was a young guy, I was drinking in my house, and I passed out. And the next day -- you know those Jehovah's Witnesses show up? [Laughter.] So, he knocked on the door, and I opened the door. And he like froze. He was all horrified. I had barf all over my clothes. [Laughter.] It was screwdrivers -- all orange with chunks of Kentucky Fried Chicken. [Groans.] And he didn't even want to talk about Jesus, or anything. [Laughter.]

Donna D'Errico

What's up with this playful jab Ms. D'Errico gave Norm? He says there's nothing to it -- you be the judge.

Even a "Baywatch" babe has tuned into the revenge theme of Norm's movie.

DONNA: I have somebody I'd like to get revenge on. This girl named Kristen in the 7th grade -- she called me "acorns."

CARSON: Why acorns?

DONNA: I was going through puberty. [Laughter.]

CARSON: Really?! Wow! ...

NORM: Now it's like a giant oak tree! [Laughter.]

Burgess Meredith

NORM: I wrote it for guys that I thought were really funny, that I loved. And then they all agreed to do it.

CARSON: Was there anybody else that you wanted to, but it just didn't work out?

NORM: Uh, Burgess Meredith. But, he died. So, he was unavailable. But, he was the Penguin, you know.

NICOLE What is your favorite drink? No beer, just straight up hard liquor. I guess it would be liquid [censored].

College Students

CARSON: Well, for people who are funny, who just think you're really funny [and would like to see you perform] -- do you just come into towns and do like comedy clubs, or do you do colleges.

NORM: Yeah, I do colleges. I like colleges.

CARSON: Why do you like colleges better?

NORM: Because I like college kids. They're all drunk. [Laughter.]

CARSON: Kinda like this group here?

NORM: Yeah!

MIKE When's the last time you got lucky? And was it with a girl? No, I'm not gay yet. I got lucky -- uh, I had sex with this girl, but it turned out I wasn't lucky because I contracted that AIDS virus. So, it turned out to be unlucky. No good deed goes unpunished.

Bob Dylan

CARSON: Norm, you mentioned you like Bob Dylan's work.

NORM: Oh, yeah. Bob Dylan's the greatest.

CARSON: A lot of people say his most recent record he put out is his one of his best.

NORM: Yeah, that's a great album. You gotta get that.

CARSON: Yeah. Where alot of people know Jakob Dylan -- his son -- who is a part of the Wallflowers --

NORM: He sucks! [Laughter.]

Day 5: Hottie Watch

EDITOR'S NOTE: Whoa, wait a minute. Remember, earlier, when I professed my love for the Vision? Hmmm. Well, if that doesn't work out --

Arnold

CARSON: Gary Coleman's in this too?

NORM: Oh, yeah, Gary Coleman. He was fun to work with, because I always loved him on that show. So, I wanted to get him in the movie. You know the show he was on?

CARSON: Yeah. "What's Happening??" [Laughter.]

NORM: No. "Diff'rent Strokes!" "What's Happening?!" [Laughter.]

CARSON: It was the first thing that came to my mind.

NORM: The funny thing about working with him is that you still think of him as a kid.

CARSON: Sure. You want to call him Arnold.

NORM: So, like all the time, I'd be like, "Hey, Gary, how's it going? Can I get you a cookie, or something?" [Laughter.] He'd go, "I'm 50!" [Laughter.] "Get me a prostitute and send her to my trailer." [Laughter.]

DWEEZIL ZAPPA What was it like to work with the legendary Bob Saget? It was unbelievable. When he directed me, he'd say, "Do it this way." Then I'd go, "What are you kidding? I've seen you on that show."