The Late Show with David Letterman
JUNE 2, 1998 (CBS)

Writing A Movie

NORM: It's hard to write a movie, man. Holy lord god. People send me scripts sometimes to be in. And I can't even read them. They take so long. They're like hundreds of words. And, you get all sleepy. [Laughter.] So, to write it is even way harder, because -- I don't have a typewriter, first of all. I never learned how to type. So, my buddy Frank has one, and he wrote it with me. [Laughter]. ... He was a cowriter. My buddies Frank and Fred. Frank Sebastiano and Fred Wolf. I always say to Fred Wolf -- he lives in Hollywood -- I say to him, "You must be pretty comfortable in Hollywood, Fred Wolf. Because, there's a lot of WOLFS out there!" [Nervous Laughter.] You know? A Hollywood wolf. Skirt chaser! [Awkward Silence.]

Bob Saget

NORM: It was very comfortable with him as a director. He would give me acting notes: "You should do it this way." Then I'd go, "I've seen you on that 'Full House,' what are you talking about?!" [Laughter.] ... He is actually very, very -- funny. [Laughter.]

Country Music

NORM: I met Randy Travis [backstage.] I'm a huge country music fan. And, George Jones is my favorite. So, this is a big night for me. [Laughter.]

DAVE: Do you like the new country? Or the old country?

NORM: No, the new country is gay! [Laughter.] ... I like the old stuff. Billy Joe Shavers. ... I saw George Jones. My dad took me to see George Jones. And [George] was a bit of a drinker. So, I was a little kid and my dad had seen him ten times. When I was nine, I went to see George Jones. And my dad said, "The last song George Jones sings is 'He Stopped Loving Her Today.' " His signature piece. The greatest country song ever written. So, here he is -- George Jones -- his third song he goes, "He stopped loving her." And so, my dad goes, "Oh! Goddamn!" [Laughter.]

DAVE: Holy crap! [Laughter.]

NORM: Yeah, holy crap! So, George Jones did like an eight-minute concert and then afterwards he goes, "Good night, Ottawa! Thank you, very much!" Everybody's like, "What?!" [Laughter.] Then he went home, and everybody got their money back.

Don Ohlmeyer: Round 3

DAVE: What is this attending controversy? What is going on? What is the problem?!

NORM:I don't know. In the paper today -- you've got the [New York] Post --

DAVE: I've got it right here. This is today's New York Post [Shows newspaper (TV Plus page). Headline reads: NBC DIRTY WORK NIXES NORM: COMIC'S FEUD WITH NETWORK EXEC LEADS TO BAN ON MOVIE ADS. Picture of Norm with symbol for "No" superimposed. Smaller picture of Don Ohlmeyer.]

NORM: There it is. So, there's a picture of me with a big "X" through my head.

DAVE: Now, what the hell is that all about? [Reads headline aloud.] What exactly are we talking about there?

NORM: Don Ohlmeyer has decided not to run any --

DAVE: This is Don Ohlmeyer right here. [Points to picture.] This is the guy that runs NBC ... [As Ohlmeyer] "Hey, girls! Would you mind coming up to the suite to audition?!" [Laughter.] Oh, sure. Don always gets a suite.

NORM: So, Don has decided not to run any ads for my movie on his network NBC. [Collective "Awww" from audience turns to "Boooo!"]

DAVE: Now, Norm. Let's just do the math on this a little bit. NBC is owned by General Electric -- maybe the single biggest global corporate entity on the globe. [Laughter.] ... G.E. and NBC generate several billion dollars a year. What the hell could they possibly care about you and your movie?! What is going on?!

NORM: I don't understand it at all!

DAVE: Did you do something to this guy? Did you bust into his house, or something?

NORM: No! I didn't do anything. I don't understand. ... I get kinda depressed sometimes -- because, this guy, he's best friends with O.J. Simpson. [Laughter.] And that's fine.

DAVE: Is that true? Are they best friends?

NORM: Yes, they are best friends.

DAVE: They hang out? This guy and O.J.? They play golf?

NORM: Yes. How can he not like -- me!? [Laughter. Long applause.]

DAVE: [As Ohlmeyer] "Yeah, just come on up and read the lines. We'll see how it goes." [Laughter.] So, the deal is, they won't advertise your movie on NBC.

NORM: ... And just before I came on the show, they tell me they have canceled all these interviews I had with any NBC affiliate. Don Ohlmeyer actually phoned NBC affiliates. You know, these little stations --

DAVE: That's great. He's got nothing better to do. [Laughter.] He doesn't have to kiss up to Seinfeld now, so that freed up his whole day. [Laughter.] ... So, they're worried your movie is going to somehow put NBC out of business?! Is that what it is?!

NORM: They do not want the movie to be successful at all.

DAVE: This is the guy who fired you from "Saturday Night Live."

NORM: Yes. I thought it was over. And then I keep reading [about the] "feud." There's no feud. Because, I never did anything to him. ... For a feud, I'd have to be going, [Angry face.] "ARRRR!" [Laughter.] ...

DAVE: This is terrorism. This is completely uncalled for. I'll tell you what it is. They are scared. Because, Seinfeld was canceled, and then -- what other big shows do they have over there?

NORM: "Single Guy." [Laughter.] "Rhoda." Is "Rhoda" still on?

DAVE: They're afraid because they fired you, that somehow, you're gonna come back and bite them in the ass. That's what they're worried about. I would take that as a great compliment. A great compliment to your wit and wisdom.

NORM: Awww, that's nice. [Long Applause.] But, I just want to open up a paper, and read about who's on "The Leeza Gibbins Show" today ...

DAVE: Yeah, that's how you start your day. It's like a punch in the stomach, isn't it?

NORM: Yeah, it is.