Dennis Miller Live
APRIL 2, 1999 (HBO)
DENNIS: I wanna do a Rorshach thing...What flashes into your mind when I say "bad taste?" What do you find bad taste?
NORM: Uhh...Well, there was this performance art guy I remember in New York, that uhhh...his whole big thing was he'd take a picture of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ...of Nazareth...and then---
DENNIS: Oh, that Jesus Christ!
NORM: Yeah...And then, his whole act is he'd piss on it, with his cock.
DENNIS: Wow. At least he showed restraint. He could've pissed with his, what, arm?
NORM: You're right, you're right. So, I thought that was really in horribly bad taste.
DENNIS: That's over the line as far as y--
NORM: Yeah, because Jesus Christ, y'know, he died for the guy's sins, and then the guy pisses on his picture. And it was a picture of Jesus dying for his sins. Like he was on the cross going "Ughh...I'm dying for the guy's sins," and then this guy's like, pissing all over it. But, y'know, when judgment day comes, he's gonna have to face Jesus Christ Almighty, of Nazareth, y'know?
DENNIS: And Jesus is gonna say "Hey! Asshole! What's with the peeing on my picture?"
NORM: Yeah. That negates every other good thing he ever did, y'know. He's like, "You don't piss on my picture."
DENNIS: No. You don't wanna come up to the gates of heaven, God's laying in there with the nunchucks strapped around his neck, y'know. How do you-
NORM: He'll go "I'll have some performance art for you, while the fucking devil shoves some coal up your ass."
Not Good With Girls
NORM: Some people, like, get all upset over certain words, like they think that that...like girls, all the time, man...When I'm talking to them, like if I go, "Hey, uh...How 'bout you and I, like, fuck?" Y'know? And then and then the girl always goes like, "I don't fuck. I make love. I make love." And I go I don't care. Whatever you wanna call it. As long as my -- as long as my dirty cock's involved. Y'know? I don't care. I don't..I'm not gonna...I'm not gonna get in a semantic argument...y'know...You can call it making a grilled cheese sandwich as long as...as long as there's a lot of me doing "Aaaaaaaaa!" That kind of thing, y'know?
DENNIS: Now what's the earliest into hitting on a woman that you've ever said "I wanna fuck you." ?
DENNIS: Like uhh...you give it a couple minutes, right?
NORM: I try to get into it pretty quick.
DENNIS: So that trump card's down no? You're in the game.
NORM: No, cause I don't. Cause i don't like...I don't ever ask them to "Would you like to have dinner?" I don't really like having dinner with them. Or..Or having a drink with them. Or anything like that.
DENNIS: So that's...So your sort of exchange with women is uhhh...
NORM: Yeah. I say "Hey...How 'bout you and me fuck?" And then they go "No..." And then they go, "How 'bout we have dinner?" And I go "I don't like dinner and you don't like fucking..."
DENNIS: So it's pretty...a basic thing you have with women. Kind of a basic exchange.
NORM: I'm not really...Yeah...I'm not good with girls.
El Pollo Loco
NORM: Little Dylan and I were getting some chicken at the Pollo Loco,
NORM: And kids are so, uh, wonderful, y'know? You know that.
NORM: They're unfiltered. Exactly. So we're standing beside this huge fat broad, Y'know, and, uh, so--
DENNIS: Not as unfiltered as that, maybe, but unfiltered.
NORM: So me and little Dylan are behind her and he goes "Daddy, look how fat she is!" And then, so I had not said "you're not supposed to call fat people fat," to him, so it wasn't his fault. So I said "No Dylan, shhh...Enough with that." And he goes, "I bet she's gonna eat a lot of chicken. I bet-" Right? And it was really funny, 'cause everybody was looking at her, and then right at that moment the guy goes, "Yes, ma'am, what would you like?" And she was like, "uhh, I'll have two pieces of chicken." And you know she was gonna order, like, eight full whole chickens, y'know?
DENNIS: Well, how do you know that?
NORM: Yeah. How do I know that?
DENNIS: Yeah. Maybe she wasn't gonna order eight eight full chickens.
NORM: Oh no.
DENNIS: Maybe she was--
NORM: Because right when she ordered the two chickens she did, like, the shifty-eye, y'know? I don't do a good shifty-eye.
DENNIS: So, you're behind her in line and yet able to discern the subtle REM-like movements of her eyeballs.
NORM: You got me on that one, man! I made that part up.
DENNIS: You don't even have a son!
NORM: For the purposes of that anecdote I am not barren.
DENNIS: I thought you were gonna be quick and say, "Uh...uh...it was Linda Blair!"
Gay Pride Parade
NORM: One time I was doing this thing in San Francisco, and they were all gay people in the audience, they told me, and so I figured I would--
DENNIS: In San Francisco? No!
NORM: So I figured I'd do stuff about gay people so that they could relate to it.
DENNIS: Yeah, to warm up.
DENNIS: They love that.
NORM: And so I was talking about, 'cause I went to this gay pride parade, and I saw in it there were these...uh... old men and old ladies like with these signs that said "We are proud of our gay son." Y'know, And so I was saying, that's an odd thing to be proud of, y'know, because it's not an achievement, y'know? It's not like something you work all your life to be gay, or anything like that. And I just wondered... I just..I had a hard time believing that these fifty, sixty year old men are actually bragging, y'know, at work, like they're, "Hey, uh, Bill, y'know, my kid, oh my god, we're proud of him. Johnny he, uh, graduated from Harvard, y'know, the first in his class, you know what I mean? And now he's articling over at a law firm, and, uh, oh yeah, he loves cock! Y'know, this kid, he can't get enough cock! In his mouth his ass this kid's ...always... I got a...I got a picture of the boy here sucking another man's cock. I wanna show it to you." He can't be proud of that!
DENNIS: To watch the maturation of you as an artist, to realize it took you nine and a half minutes to get around to the sucking cock stuff. It's beautiful to see you comfortable in your own skin, Normy. Alright.
Thank you Jonathan Russell and Sonya Kasen for transcribing this appearance.