The Roseanne Show
APRIL 21, 1999 (SYND)
Frogger and Sexuality
ROSEANNE: You said you'd rather, um... you'd rather, uh... play "Frogger" than have sex. (laughter)
NORM: Oh, yeah. Well, you have to know "Frogger," y'know? It's a game- it's an arcade game where a little frog has to go across the- the river? Yeah...
NORM: And they have, like, uh- uh, little logs that he has to... and sometimes the log's a crocodile and tries to eat 'im?
ROSEANNE: (laughing) You're, like, totally into that?
NORM: Yeah. I- I- Well, I like a lot of things better'n se- I don't care for sex that much. (laughter)
ROSEANNE: How- see, that's the thing with me, too, 'cause I'm totally bor- I- I don't have any-- What's the mat- eh...(laughter)
NORM: Yeah. It hasn't, like, gotten better over the centuries, y'know? It's always the same thing- it's very... (Roseanne laughs) Like, I had sex when I was a young, uh- man, and then I had it for awhile, and then I realized it's kinda, uh- there's always the same thing! (audience laughs) Y'know? There's only a few things you can do- you can go like this, and then over... Y'know what I mean? You go, "Ah, I'll do this for awhile, and then..."
ROSEANNE: Do you think that we're being drugged by the government to lose interest in sex? (laughter)
NORM: Oh, no- I just think it's a- it's a thing that, uh-- Like, y'know when people go, "Hey, y'know, that guy's a good... he's good in bed!" Y'know? And to me, like, ahh- how hard is it? (laughter) Y'know? It's not like, if you're good in badminton or something, y'know? That's a hard thing- badminton. Ya gotta- and "Frogger," y'know? (laughter) But, uh- sex, you can figure it out in, like, ten minutes, y'know?
ROSEANNE: Yeah, and like- like, goats do it and stuff... You know, like, goats and pigs and stuff all do it...
ROSEANNE: ...so how- how special can it be?
NORM: Exactly. Show me a goat that can get past the third level of "Frogger"... (laughter & applause)
ROSEANNE: That's right, Norm! That's right!
The Trouble With Writers
NORM: Th- the writers write it, and then you say it- so then, if it's not funny, the audience hates YOU, y'know?
ROSEANNE: Right! That's exactly why you have to be so mean to writers!
NORM: Right- right. Like the audience isn't...
ROSEANNE: They- they go like this...
NORM: ...the audience isn't gonna watch the "Roseanne" show and go, "Oh, that dirty Bruce Rassmussen! He's not funny at all!" (laughter)
ROSEANNE: (laughing) They don't get that! The writers don't get that it's your ass out there, and they go, like, "No- it IS funny." I'd be like, "I don't think it's funny!"
ROSEANNE: (as writer) "Well, I wrote it and I say it's funny!" Well, then, YOU go out there and say it! (laughter)
ROSEANNE: They want like, kinda- they kinda wanna robot that'll just say anything.
NORM: Yeah- but they're good people- the writers, you know. I have to go back and talk to them after the show. (laughter) (edit)
ROSEANNE: Yeah, remember when I used to make you all wear numbers?
NORM: Yeah, yeah! (chuckles) Yeah, Roseanne made us all wear numbers on our, uh, shirts- so she wouldn't have to speak to us as human beings. (laughter) So, uh, y'know, she'd say, "Hey- just Number 9" and... Actually, we have some writers on THIS show ("The Norm Show") that was, uh- that were- worked at "Roseanne"- uh, your show.
ROSEANNE: Yeah, so...
NORM: We have, uh- uh- Three and Eight. (laughter)
ROSEANNE: Are they any good? I remember those guys- are they any good now?
NORM: (chuckling) Yeah, oh yeah- they're great, they're great.
NORM: Yeah... (laughter)
ROSEANNE: I know that, uh, the guy that used to write the, uh, (clears throat) whattaya-call-it in "Hustler" magazine...
NORM: (incredulous chuckle) What?
ROSEANNE: He used to write the, uh- jokes- the captions under the comics in "Hustler" magazine...
NORM: He did?
NORM: Where's he?
ROSEANNE: He- he's the one that created your show.
NORM: He IS??!!
ROSEANNE: He's the most talent-- yeah. He's the most talented of all of 'em. He also did Drew Carey. He's the most talented...
NORM: Yeah, he's Bruce...
ROSEANNE: ...number I ever had on that show.
NORM: (chuckling) Yeah!
ROSEANNE: And I wish him the best- and you.
NORM: Yeah, he's- he's Bruce Helford. Yeah- "Three."
ROSEANNE: Yeah. He wrote the- he started out at "Hustler" magazine...
NORM: Yeah. I didn't know that. Those things were hysterical- he never told me that. You mean, like, the really dirty...
NORM: ...the cartoons...
NORM: ...with the blood and everything.
NORM: Yeah, and then they have those captions- they were funny...
ROSEANNE: Yeah- they were hilarious!
NORM: That one time I had a psychiatrist...
NORM: ...Like, and, uh- 'Cause they told me I should go see a psychiatrist- I didn't wanna go see one or anything like that. But, uh- this, uh- so I go to see this dude- a psychiatrist, and, uh- I'm talking to the guy, and I couldn't think of any problems or anything that I had, y'know? (laughter) I was just like, "Ah, a guy I'm working with is kind of a trouble maker, y'know- and the boss is always..." So I'm just, like, I got nothing to say, and the guy was, like, sitting there, y'know? So then, (laughs) I go to the guy twice, right? And then I'm reading the paper- the guy, uh, KILLS himself! (laughter)
NORM: Yeah, he KILLED himself! And then- and then, I was reading his horrible life, like, he was on all these drugs, and he was one of those guys that liked to, uh- hang themselves, there, to have sex, and all this weird stuff. (laughter) Anyway...
ROSEANNE: Oh, my GOD!!
NORM: Yeah. And then I just kept thinking, "Good God!" Like, the last week of his life, he's listening to my boring problems, y'know? (laughter) He's all troubled, and I'm going, "Anyways, the guy, y'know, I don't think he respects me- my boss, y'know?" (laughter)
ROSEANNE: That's kinda li- did- did, like, that- how- how deeply did that frighten you? When you read it in the paper that he killed himself?
NORM: Yeah, I don't like hearing about guys killing themselves. (laughter)
ROSEANNE: That's really scary, isn't it?
NORM: Yeah, yeah... Especially a psychiatrist- you figure they got it all going on in their head, right?
ROSEANNE: Yeah- And then, like, when you find out they're crazier than you?
NORM: Yeah... I- I don't like that. (laughter) 'Cause I, also, I don't like those psychiatrists, too- I'm always afraid, like, that, uh- y'know, they get you under their spell, there...
ROSEANNE: Yeah, they do.
NORM: ... and then you don't have anybody else. You only trust the guy...
NORM: ...and then, of course, first thing he does (is) has sex with you. (laughter)
ROSEANNE: That's RIGHT!
ROSEANNE: Yeah! The first (laughs)- It's like a cult! It's a horrifying cult, I think.
NORM: Same with hypnotists- like, I always think if a hypnotist is gonna hypnotize you...
NORM: ...he should say, right before, "I promise I will not have SEX with you..." Y'know? (laughter) "...while you're under." Because, y'know, I wanna give up smoking- but at the same time... (laughter)
NORM: I brought some pizza!
ROSEANNE: Norm... Oh, boy! Oh, I love this pizza...
NORM: Yeah, it's pizza.
ROSEANNE: Dairy pizza- Omigod, lookit...
NORM: It's kosher pizza...
ROSEANNE: It's so good, too.
NORM: ...'cause you're Jewish.
ROSEANNE: That's right. I just wanna be able to eat pepperoni that's made outta veal or something...
NORM: I know...
ROSEANNE: ...I love that.
NORM: You'll go to hell. (laughter)
ROSEANNE: What, if I eat pepperoni with- with pork?
NORM: Yeah, 'cause you're Jewish.
ROSEANNE: Will that make me go to hell?
NORM: Yeah, isn't that the whole- whole idea?
ROSEANNE: (audio error) ...go to hell?
NORM: No, I'm Christian. I can eat any kind of pizza and not go to hell. (laughter & applause)
ROSEANNE: I don't think I go to hell for eating it, either.
NORM: Oh, you don't?
ROSEANNE: No, I don't go to hell.
NORM: Well, they don't specifically mention "pizza" in the Old Testament, but... (laughter) ...it's, uh-
ROSEANNE: But they do mention pepperoni.
NORM: Yeah. (laughter) This pizza here...
ROSEANNE: But it doesn't say you'll go to hell. It just says, y'know, uh- you know, you don't- you never know where, uh- you know...
NORM: You- you want- you might wanna avoid this piece. (It) actually has hooves on it... (laughter) You don't wanna eat that.
Old People, Dirty Sex
NORM: And I said, "Listen, man..."-- 'cause I kept hearing these things about how old people always have sex? (laughter)
ROSEANNE: (laughing) Yeah?
NORM: So I says to my grandmother, you- do you still, uh- grandfather- do you still have sex with, uh, my grandmother? He was, like, (horrified) "Good Lord, NO!!" (laughter & applause) And then he was explaining it to me- he's, like- 'cause in his own head, he thinks he's, like, a young dude.
NORM: He says, like, when you get old, it's not like all of a sudden your tastes change, where you go, "Hey, that wrinkly old lady looks good." (laughter)
ROSEANNE: He told you that?
ROSEANNE: Wow. He said that people still look good when they're in their 20's to, like, real old guys?
NORM: Yeah, yeah. (Roseanne laughs) 'Cause he said whenever he looked in the mirror, he was always shocked, 'cause he thought he was, uh- like, a doughboy back in the first world war, y'know? (laughter) He thought he was a handsome dude, and, uh- even if- even if he did know he was ugly, he still was NOT ATTRACTED to, uh, the old bags. (laughter)
Thank you Brian Soule for transcribing this appearance.