Politically Incorrect
APRIL 26, 1999 (ABC)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Here's an abridged transcript featuring the most notable Norm moments. Political columnist Ariana Huffington, B-movie mogul Lloyd Kaufman, socially-conscious actor Edward James Olmos and Our Hero were panelists led by Bill Maher.

Scarry Kids

EDWARD: ... These are kids acting out. Okay? Acting out things that they've learned, that nobody comes out of there mother's womb with a pistol in their hand. So they've learned this. It's like a disease that's attacking the very nature of humanness.

BILL: But not from the parents they didn't learn this. The parents were not --

NORM: Yeah, they didn't learn it anywhere. I think they did come out of the womb with a gun. [ Laughter ]

BILL: They learned it from --

EDWARD: Before we go there -- [ Laughter ] -- Let's make sure that we understand something here. If these are the children acting out, what are the adults gonna act out? Where are they gonna go when it comes to understanding this issue?

BILL: But this generation --

LLOYD: No, where are the adults?

NORM: Here's where the adults are. The adults are afraid of these crazy kids. [ Laughter ] If I had a kid --

EDWARD: Are you afraid of these kids?

NORM: I would be if I was a parent. I wouldn't go, "Hey, kids, what are you going to do for Hitler's birthday?" You know, I mean, that's -- [ Laughter ] I'd be scared crazy.

EDWARD: But would you say anything to your son or daughter on Hitler's birthday?

NORM: I think the kids, the parents of the kid in Jonesboro tried to help him. They were the first two the kid shot.

BILL: Yeah, you're right. They killed the parents.

ARIANNA: They're not the first kids who --

EDWARD: Do you have any children?

ARIANNA: An adorable little boy.

NORM: Yeah, I have a kid. But he's not crazy. He came out of the womb with a dove in his hand. [ Laughter ]

BILL: A lot woom in that womb, let me tell ya. [ Laughter ] That's like Harpo Marx, he's got a candle, he's got a swordfish. [ Laughter ]

Scarry Panelist

EDWARD: I would rather take a Gandhi-esque approach, to be honest with you, Billy.

BILL: A Gandhi-esque approach to genocide?

EDWARD: Yeah. Wouldn't that be original? Wouldn't that be incredible?

BILL: It would be stupid.

EDWARD: Yeah, on your account it would be very stupid. And that's exactly why Gandhi said --

BILL: Gandhi -- nonviolence to a genocidal dictator?

EDWARD: That's right. Nonviolence to a genocidal dictator. Figure out how you do it, Bill! How would you do it?!

BILL: So what about --

EDWARD: You don't even -- you can't even answer the question! Stop for a second and try to answer the question.

BILL: How about --

EDWARD: How would Gandhi have acted in this situation? Or Cesar Chavez? How would they have answered this situation? Then you know for damn well that there's got to be an answer. ... [More ranting.]

BILL: [Returning from commerical.] All right, we've scared some of the other guests. [ Laughter ] Norm is scared.

NORM: I got a little frightened by Edward James Olmos. [ Laughter ]

BILL: Yes, it was a scary segment, and I apologize.

EDWARD: No, please.

ARIANNA: I told him I'll protect him.

BILL: Yeah, so, let me bring up --

NORM: When he was screaming like a nut about Gandhi.

EDWARD: I was. [ Laughter ]

BILL: And then I was screaming.

EDWARD: Doggone that guy Gandhi.

Johnny Carson's 911 Call

ARIANNA:... People get vicarious thrill. And that's what is so terrible. They want to get closer to death and --

NORM: I would have got a thrill from listening to Johnny Carson, because I haven't heard the guy in so long. [ Laughter ] And I love Johnny Carson. You love Johnny Carson.

BILL: Oh, me, too, sure.

NORM: And so on that tape they kept saying, "Johnny Carson on the 911 tape." I thought it would be him going like, you know -- [ Imitating Johnny Carson ] "I feel there's a yak on my chest." You know, or something like that. [ Laughter and applause ]

BILL: [ Imitating Johnny Carson ] "A spider monkey just peed on me. Could we get the paramedics here?" [ Laughter ]

Norm's Phone Activities

LLOYD: Make the 1-900 numbers of celebrities and politicians public, right? Like when Norm calls up those 1-900 numbers, make those public.

NORM: What's 1-900? [ Laughter ]

LLOYD: Those are the sex lines.

BILL: No. Sex lines.

LLOYD: Make them public. You'll have the whole --

BILL: Yeah, he thinks you're into some sort of kinky sex, apparently.

NORM: 1-900, why me? She was married to a gay guy, for God's sake. [ Laughter ] What do I do weird?

BILL: Right.

ARIANNA: He's a good actor. He pretends he doesn't know.