The View
MAY 19, 1999 (ABC)

The Doles

JOY: Do a little Bob Dole for us!

NORM: Bob Dole?

JOY: Yeah, would you?

NORM: You want me to do it?

JOY: Yeah, do it!

NORM: This is kinda an old impression ya know...

BARBARA: It's in the news again!

NORM: It is? Well, I try to work on new impressions, ya know what I mean? Like-Like fresh- torn from the headlines of the newspapers of the journals of the.... you know..(laugh)

STAR: Oh yeah...

BARBARA: He's in today's headlines. Just do a little bit.

NORM: But I got Liddy Dole! I've been working on a new one: Liddy Dole!

BARBARA: Oh, do Liddy Dole!

STAR: You can do Liddy?

NORM: Yeah, I do Liddy Dole!

BARBARA: Do Liddy Dole.

NORM: Ok...uh...(cough) Um...(Bob Dole Voice) "I'm Liddy Dole! Running for President! Liddy Dole wants to be President, doesn't wanna work at the blood bank anymore, wants to be President of the United States! Liddy Dole!"(laugh)

MEREDITH: Isn't that Bob Dole?

STAR: That is Bob Dole!

BARBARA: That's Bob Dole! Liddy Dole doing Bob Dole!

NORM: No! Bob Dole says, "I'm Bob Dole!"

BARBARA: Oh is see!

STAR: The difference is Liddy Dole says, "I'm Liddy Dole"!

BARBARA: Oh, got it!

STAR: You're sick man (Norm, of course), but very good!

BARBARA: We got it!

NORM: Ya know how sometimes, like, when people are married for a long time, they start sounding like each other? I think that's what happened with Bob and Liddy Dole! (laugh)

JOY: I guess so!

BARBARA: You are really wild! I mean you're wild on that show and you're wild in person!

NORM: WHAT?! Barbara: Don't ya think?

NORM: No! I think you're wild! (laughter and applause)

STAR: She is! (unintelligible)

The Friars Club

NORM: I went to that "Friar's Club" once. I never seen a "Roast" or anything like that, Joy, but I see...I went one time-I love playing poker. I had a bit of a gambling problem for awhile (laugh) and I couldn't get enough poker games, right? So this dude, he told me, "Ya gotta go to the 'Friars Club' man! There's a big poker game there," right? (Norm is confused about who to look at when he's talking.) I have to talk to four people here! (laugh) So uh...So I go to the "Friar's Club"- Barbara? Are you listening? (Huge laughs and clapping)

BARBARA: No I wasn't, I was looking at the next question!

NORM: So, I'm at the "Friar's Club" and they told me there's this great-there's this big poker game, right? So I go there and there's all these old dudes there, right? And they're all comics from like 50 years ago, and I don't know who the hell they are, ya know? And its not like famous comics, like Milton Berle, or anybody like that! It's these "B-Level" comics from 50 years ago, ya know? Like Freddie Roman and dudes like that right? (laugh) So they're all playing poker, ya know, they're all playing poker and I'm playing poker and I just wanna do is play poker! But they're all making jokes ya know? And every joke they're making involves me being a gay dude! (laugh) Ya know what I mean? Like...they'll go, "Arrrgh..Here ya go kid, here's a-" Ya know, It'd be like a Queen! I'd get a Queen... (laugh) And they'd go, "Here's a lady for the lady! Arggh!!" (laugh) And they'd all laugh ya know? And I didn't notice at first, I was just playing cards and all of a sudden I realize, every joke is me being a homosexual man right? So...I'm not a homosexual man! As you well know- (to Meredith Vieira) (laughter and clapping)

MEREDITH: He's definitely not (gay)! You're not ( to Norm)!

NORM: Yeah, I'm not!! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not! I'm not!! Let me tell ya something else!(to Meredith still) I would have sex with you while you were awake! (laughter and clapping)

STAR: You made her blush!

BARBARA: We better get to this show- (unintelligible)

MEREDITH: He's such a novelty for me! Ok, go ahead!

NORM: Oh, no! There's no story, its just-And then I'm playing and all of a sudden this old dude next to me goes, "Oh, kid! Just uhh..Uh ya gotta show em what you're made of! You insult them too!" Ya know? So I'm like, "Oh!" So, there's an old dude there that's like 70 years old. So I go, "Hey there uh..old dude! You've probably had a few guys-have had sex with a few guys!" And he goes (weird face). (Mild laugh)

BARBARA: Oh...So lets get back to the-

STAR: Is that the story? You done? You know what?

JOY: So, I guess ya don't need a punchline!

STAR: No! You don't need a punchline!

BARBARA: Let's get to the show!

STAR: This is the new comedy Joy! No punchlines!

JOY: The new comedians! No Punchlines!!

What's My Line?

NORM: I can't memorize stuff, ya know what I mean? I'm not good at memorizing-We only have one minute by the way! (Sees stage managers directions)(laugh)

STAR: You can read! So what do you do?

MEREDITH: He wasn't holding up that finger, but go ahead!(laugh)

NORM: Uh... The uh..The uh..*laughs* that was a funny one! That's a good one! No..no..What were you saying?

STAR: What do you do? What do you do? What, you weren't listening? What do you do?

MEREDITH: How do you memorize? How do you do it!

NORM: I can't memorize! I can't memorize things, like...Because in each script we get each week, there-maybe there's like six, seven hundred words!

JOY: Wow!

NORM: And you have to say them, In order! (laugh) Ya know what I mean?

STAR: That's really hard!

NORM: That ain't easy!

BARBARA: What is it like on the set of that show with you?

NORM: What is it like? Well... What do you mean?

BARBARA: Well, what do I mean? Well, because-'cause you're so out of the norm- (no pun intended)

STAR: She thinks you're wacky!

BARBARA: I think your wonderful and wacky!

NORM: Well, I'm just saying it's hard to memorize! We're not walking around the set going, "Hey..uhh..uhh,"(pretends to be reading 'The View's' cue cards) Ya know? (laughter and cheers)

BARBARA: So what do you do?

STAR: He's being critical of us Barbara!

NORM: No, no! I love your show! This is a nice show! Great show!

JOY: I have a question!

NORM: No, what I do is: I try to, like...Sometimes, if you watch the show sometimes, you'll see like if I forget a line-

BARBARA: We have to watch it too? Not just have you on, we have to watch it?

NORM: You have to watch the show, yah!

BARBARA: Ok, Ok!

NORM: No, but sometimes uh..Sometimes, uh...Gee, This is a long minute! (laughs)Sometimes-Sometimes, like if you watch the show you'll notice, sometimes maybe during the show, there'll be like-Sa-Maybe something like 20 minutes will pass where nobody will say anything! Ya know what I mean? Because it was my line! (laugh) But there's ways to cover! Sometimes I'll just read a newspaper!

The Ladies

MEREDITH: You've admitted that you're lazy. I think you've read six books in your life-

NORM: I've read six!

MEREDITH: Six. What kind of woman would be attracted to you, do you think? (laugh)

NORM: Well, I have a lot of money! (laugh)

MEREDITH: Oh!

JOY: There you go!

MEREDITH: Alright!

BARBARA: And-

STAR: That's the punchline!

Star Wars

BARBARA: I went to see "Star Wars". I had never seen any of the "Star Wars'" and I felt terrible about it, until I learned that- you've never seen it-

JOY: I never saw it..I never saw the first one.

NORM: I never saw any of them!(laugh)

JOY: No....

BARBARA: You've never wanted to see any of them? You never wanted to see "Star Wars"?

NORM: No I never seen em- I never liked them! I don't like those Science Fiction because my Dad always hated them, and you know how you try to be what your dad-You try to be...Ya know what I mean? (laugh) I remember when I was a kid I watched that "Twilight Zone," remember that show? And oh my God! My Dad hated it 'cause it was too fantastical, and he thought I shoulda been doing the chores. I remember one time me and my brother were watching "Star Wars"-

BARBARA: All I said was, "Have you ever seen 'Star Wars'?"

NORM: I know! I know-

BARBARA: Ten minutes later!-

STAR: He just goes on! That's Norm! Go ahead, go ahead!

BARBARA: I mean... We only have 2 more minutes!

NORM: I'm just giving you a little back story! But me and my brother were watching 'The Twilight Zone," and then my Dad walked by and we were watching it and we were all excited about this "Twilight Zone," and then my dad walked by and he looked at like the screen and he said... uhh, "I suppose this one's a godamned ghost!" (mild laughter)

BARBARA: Oh, well that was funny! Okay...(laugh) Anyway, we're gonna give our quick review..So, I had never seen it.

STAR: That is funny!

BARBARA: I thought all these-all ...uh...You know, the mechanical figures and all of that, I thought that was..fine! Ya know? But it was ok! What did you think?

STAR: Well, I'll tell ya! I did love the podrace! That's the best part! There's this race in the middle of it, and I'm a big "Star Wars" fan because Harrison Ford-

NORM: What about Billy Dee Williams? I bet ya liked him!

STAR: That's back in the day with the real, original "Star Wars"-

BARBARA: I hear they were better...

STAR: Yes! With my man Harrison Ford playing Hans Solo, now that was the "Star Wars!" (cheers) Now, I have to tell you a confession, Barbara....

NORM: What about Billy Dee Williams?

STAR: I feel asleep for 10 full minutes in this "Star Wars." I was watching it...

BARBARA: I have another confession....

STAR: What happened?

BARBARA: I did too.

STAR: You did? *gasp*

BARBARA: Yeah, sort of in the middle. And you never go to "Star Wars?" (to Meredith)

MEREDITH: No, you know what? I'm not interested in "Star Wars." I'm interested in-

NORM: You know what happened? You know what happened when [Star] feel asleep? Meredith's husband had sex with her! (big laughs)

Body Image

BARBARA: What are you doing with that poor action figure?

NORM: (Playing with a baseball action figure)Oh! I'm fighting! "I am Tom Glaven and I will beat you!" (laugh)

MEREDITH: Did you ever have any body image problem, or do you now?

NORM: Yeah, because I'm really, really thin so I always wear like lots of clothes because I'm ashamed of my thinness!

MEREDITH: No, seriously?

NORM: Yeah! Look! You can put your whole hand around my wrist! See how tiny it is?

JOY: Most boys are built thin-

NORM: That's not good for a boy! (His think wrist)

JOY: I mean, if you wanna look like this... (the action figure) Boys now know, if you wanna look like this you have to take steroids, or turn gay! That's how you look like this!

NORM: Right!

BARBARA: But your very tall-

NORM: I was gonna take the steroids...

BARBARA: Doesn't that make up for it (tallness)? You were gonna take steroids?

NORM: Yeah, but then I found out-Do you know that they-that they shrink your testicles? Did you know that? I swear to God!

JOY: I thought that was the fun part!

STAR: You know what? If you look at this little action figure I'm telling you...

BARBARA: Unfortunately we're out of time!

NORM: Awww..

BARBARA: And I'd have to say Norm, that speaking as you just did you fit right into this cast, and we may just add you everyday to our "Hot Topics!" Norm you are-

STAR: Thank you!

NORM: Well, thank you for having me!

STAR: Thank you Norm!

Thank you David Findlay for transcribing this appearance.