The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
JULY 23, 1999 (NBC)

Return of Pee Wee

NORM: ... That was funny when you said "Pee Wee Herman," everybody laughed cause they still think of him --

LENO: Well, never mind! [Laugher.]

NORM: Cause he's trying to get his career back going.

LENO: No, he's doing fine. He's doing fin --

NORM: No, I have no problem. Actually, what I think what he did in that movie theater, because it was a dirty movie theater, I think it was kinda like just applause. Ya know what I mean? [Laugher.] But it's funny how everyone still remembers that even though he's trying to get his career back.

LENO: Yes, yes, yes, yes. And he'll appreciate you bringing it up! [ Laugher.]

NORM: Oh, I'm sorry ...

Softball Mishap

NORM: ... I played celebrity softball with Kevin [Eubanks, "Tonight Show" bandleader.] Remember that? [To Kevin.]

KEVIN: That was cool, man! Your buddy got hurt right?

NORM: That's right! My buddy got hurt, my buddy Artie [Lange], right! He was sliding into third base, and he like cracked his ankle. He broke his ankle. So then there was this other jackass on our team. [Laugher.] This guy from "Baywatch"! Remember that dude? [To Kevin.] And so he thought it was like a joke, so he started like fake-humping my buddy! [Laugher.] And my buddy's like AHHHHH!! [Laugher.]

LENO: Ah, men, huh!?

Scott Baio

NORM: ... I've been doing a lot of celebrity stuff, and I went on a celebrity golf tournament!

LENO: You play golf?

NORM: Yeah, I suck at it, though. I'm real bad. [Laugher.] But because I'm a celebrity, as you know, I get to play. Right?

LENO: So you play with, like, civilians? People pay big money to get a chance to play with you?

NORM: Yeah, to get a chance to play with me! And it's like me -- this is how it works! It's me. I'm the celebrity, as you know. The golf pro, and then this business man who pays a lot of money to get the celebrity. ... And so then I go there, and the business man is there and he's like talking to me saying, "Hey," he goes, "I wonder who our celebrity is!" Right? [Laugher.] It's very embarrassing when you have to identify yourself as the celebrity! [Laugher.] It's horrible! So I'm like, "No, no! I am the celebrity", and he's like, "You are?" And I go like, "Yeah, I swear to god I am." Right? It was horrible! As we are playing golf I'm trying to convince him and meanwhile the guy up in the next ... hole in front of us, he had Chachi! Ya know? Chachi!, Chachi? Right?

LENO: Scott Baio!! Scott Baio, sure. Chachi!

NORM: I couldn't remember his name, and this dude couldn't either, so he was like, "Hey, Chachi!" He's all excited, cause that's why he'd paid all this money, to see an actual celebrity. He's got me, and he keeps looking, saying, "Hey man, that's Chachi!" And uh, so I just wanted him --to make him feel like -- So I go, "Yeah I know him!" I don't know him really! [Laugher.] But I wanted the famous businessman to get something outta this for his money, right?! So I go, "Oh yeah, yeah! I know Chachi. He's actually shy in real life." Ya know, just making up stuff! [Laugher.] So, then we get clogged up -- the 16th is an island green, so people get clogged up at the hole. Wouldn't ya know it, I'm sitting and there's Chachi! So the businessman's like, "Hey, can your introduce me to Chachi?" And we still don't know the guy's real name! [Laugher.] So I can't say, "Hey, businessman! Chachi!" [Laugher.] So I had to go and whisper to Chachi. It was a horrible moment! But I had to go, "Listen man, the guy doesn't know I'm a -- really doesn't even believe I'm a celebrity. I don't know your name!" It was a horrible thing! But it turned out all right, and everyone had a good time.

Celebrity Status

NORM: Then we went and visited some sick kids. They didn't recognize me either! [Laugher.] It was horrible! It's like a sick child, and I'm wasting its last precious moments trying to describe who I am! [Laugher.]

LENO: It's nice to see you do a lot of good in the world!

NORM: I'm trying! I need to become a bigger celebrity! ... I want to become a big enough celebrity where I could get a liver right away -- if I needed a liver! [Laugher.] Ya know what I mean? Where I'm not gonna be on no waiting list! They'd just be, "THAT GUY GET'S A LIVER!" [Laugher.] Once I get that famous I'm gonna start boozing, ya know! Getting people to punch me in the liver! [Laugher.]

Social Workers

LENO: ... I read, because you play a social worker on your show, I read some social workers were protesting. They had signs. They were protesting you!

NORM: Yeah, actual social workers showed up and protested, because when we wrote the show -- I wrote a lot of the show, and I didn't know anything about social work! And a lot of people told me, "Hey, you should research!" And I'm like, "Why?!" How boring would that be, ya know? [Laugher.] So, I was just pretending I was a social worker and now there protesting. But, ya know, they're only social workers, they're not that dangerous! Not like -- [Laugher.] No, I mean if it was "The Sopranos" they'd be like mob dudes showing up, ya know? [Laugher.] "Third Rock [From The Sun.]" you'd have like horrible space aliens protesting! That could eat you!

Thank you David Findlay for transcribing this appearance.