Live with Regis & Kathie Lee
SEPTEMBER 22, 1999 (SYND)
A Hug For Kathie Lee
REGIS: And here he is, Norm MacDonald.
KATHIE LEE: Hi, how are you?
NORM: Not bad. (Mumbles something like "I don't like burnt up theatres as much as you do". Long hug)
REGIS: Hi, Norm, how are ya'? Long lingering hug there. You really have gone Hollywood, haven't you?
KATHIE LEE: (In Austin Powers voice) Yeah, baby!
NORM: If I'd gone Hollywood I would've hugged you. (laughter)
REGIS: Doesn't sound too bad to me.
A Wink For Norm
NORM: One time I lived beside a McDonalds, when I was a young kid, you know what I mean? Like 18, 19 years old there. And me and my buddies, all we used to do was smoke dope. (laughter) It was back in the old days, you know what I mean? Now I don't do any of that stuff, you know because it's the thing to say. No I don't do anything. I'm scared now of everything. But back then, always did that and then--I lived right beside a McDonalds so every day I would eat, uh, just Big Macs every day.
KATHIE LEE: Cause you get the munchies, don't cha? Not that I know.
NORM: Ahaha! (like he discovered something)
REGIS: How come we know all this?
KATHIE LEE: I've been told. And it also makes you a little love crazed.
NORM: Oh my God!
KATHIE LEE: Those are two good reasons I've never wanted to do it.
NORM: It makes you like--you get all--you never want to wear a bra.
KATHIE LEE: That's right. Awful things happen.
NORM: But, uh, yeah, and so, I always ate all these hamburgers, right? These Big Macs. And uh, I like, uh, passed out one time, and I went to the doctor and he said "You're malnourished, you have to eat something other than Big Macs." That's not a good story.
REGIS: No, I like that story.
KATHIE LEE: Is that the end of it?
KATHIE LEE: You're right, that's not a good story.
REGIS: Well it wasn't bad. Wasn't a bad story.
KATHIE LEE: The hug was great, story wasn't that good.
Norm Wants To Be A Millionaire
REGIS: Norm, when you were growing up did you have anyone in comedy that you idolized?
NORM: That I idolized in comedy? Well I guess, uh, you know. That's tough, cause there's so many great guys, y'know?
KATHIE LEE: Who really made you belly-ache laugh, though?
NORM: There was like, would be like Johnny Carson, who I loved or Bill Cosby, or um, there was Red Skelton when he played Clem Kiddlehopper. I guess I'd have to say Red Skelton when he played Clem Kiddlehopper was my favorite.
REGIS: Is that your final answer? (Turns into "Who Want To be a Millionaire?" and plays music)
NORM: Well. (laughter) I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I'm not completely sure.
REGIS: Would you like to use a lifeline?
NORM: Yeah, I'm gonna use a lifeline. I'm gonna phone my friend Steve in Puerto Rico.
REGIS: Our good friends at AT&T will get Steve in Puerto Rico on the line right now. Alright, fine. Is this Steve Higgins in Puerto Rico?
STEVE HIGGINS: Uh, yes it is.
REGIS: Okay, Steve, we have a problem here, Norm is kinda stuck on an answer. Now he's gonna have 30 seconds to read you the questions, and hopefully you'll help him with an answer. Norm take it away.
NORM: Okay, Steve. How you doin'?
STEVE: Norm MacDonald?
NORM: Yeah, you remember we met on the airplane there?
STEVE: That was like a week ago.
NORM: And you said anytime I was in Puerto Rico give you a call, you know?
NORM: Well anyway, I got your phone number. So, listen, uh, Steve, this is imPuertont. When I was growing up what comedian did I idolize? When I was growing up what comedian did I idolize?
REGIS: You got 10 seconds.
STEVE: Geez. I've only known you for a week. (laughter) I guess that'd have to be either Johnny Carson or Red Skelton as Clem Kiddlehopper.
KATHIE LEE: He's gotta make a choice, doesn't he?
REGIS: Well if he can't help you. Time is almost up, we've got 6 seconds. 4. Anything else, Steve?
STEVE: Maybe Aunt Blabby.
REGIS: Alright. Seven. Now you're back to seven seconds.
STEVE: I'll go with Clem Kiddlehopper.
REGIS: Gelman, your clock's a little screwed up.
KATHIE LEE: What else is new?
REGIS: He's gone. Did that help you at all?
NORM: Well, um. It took Bill Cosby out of it anyway. Um. I guess I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say Red Skelton as Clem Kiddlehopper.
REGIS: Is that your final answer?
NORM: That's my final answer.
KATHIE LEE: Uh. Thank goodness. Cause this is only an hour show.
REGIS: You know, uh. I hate to tell you this, but uh. I'm sorry. The answer was Bob Hope. You used to watch it when you were a little kid with your father. And he was your comedy idol.
NORM: That's right.
KATHIE LEE: How much did he just lose? The million?
REGIS: You just lost a million and a half dollars.
NORM: I gotta tell you it's so much easier at home.
Corky of "Life Goes On"
NORM: Uh, the show's doing good. We're adding some new people this year. The great Artie Lange, my buddie. Nikki Cox a young, uh, pretty, uh familiar, funny girl.
KATHIE LEE: And tonight Faith Ford's on with you, right?
NORM: Oh, yeah, remember her?
KATHIE LEE: Corky.
REGIS: Now you play yourself, right?
NORM: Not Corky, the retarded kid. Corky the lovely girl.
KATHIE LEE: (laughs) He wasn't retarded, I don't think. I think he had Down Syndrome, right?
NORM: Oh, is there a difference?
KATHIE LEE: Yeah. (laughs loudly)
NORM: I don't think there's--(get's cut off)
REGIS: Better get Norm off. As soon as we can.
NORM: I thought it was the same thing.
KATHIE LEE: And quit smoking weird stuff before you come on our show.
NORM: I'm sorry. No, I swear I thought it was exactly the same thing.
REGIS: Well, a lot of people do.
Thank you Cody Snook for transcribing this appearance.