Late Night with Conan O'Brien
September 23, 1999 (NBC)

"I Drinks A Bit"

CONAN: You seem all shifty and nervous about something. You're hiding something, aren't you?

NORM: No, no.

CONAN: See, people don't know you the way I know you. This guy likes to have a good time.

NORM: I'd like to... I drinks a bit. (Audience laugh)

CONAN: That wasn't what I was talking about.

NORM: Then what were you talking about?

CONAN: I was just saying you have a good time, a real innocent thing to say. Then you get right into the drinking.

NORM: Occasionally, I'd like to drink a beer, you know. I like regular drinks. I don't like....

ANDY: As opposed to ether? (audience laugh) What are you talking about?

NORM: You know those shooters? You know what I mean.. You know, they are like, they have dirty names, like sex names, you know what I'm talking about?

CONAN: Yeah, I know. They are all called like, red-headed whores or something.

NORM: Yeah, exactly.

CONAN: That's the one I like. (audience laugh) They named it after me.

NORM: Holy lord!

CONAN: yeahhhh.

NORM: You know, I guess the idea is in your head. You wanna order them 'cause you're drunk and you go, hey, you'd think maybe you'll get a .... they go, "hey, you want a red-headed whore?" You figure Rula Lenska's gonna come in. You're gonna have some dirty, dirty, sex.

Waking Up in Rehab

CONAN: Sometimes, you have too much to drink maybe.

NORM: Oh, one time I drank a super amount, I don't even...

CONAN: Super amount, right?

NORM: Yeah, it was, when I was a young guy, I had drunk like eight or nine times in my whole life. I had never got really drunk. When I was with my buddies, I was drinking, I was having crazy dreams. All of a sudden, I was really drunk, and then a guy gave me some pills. He says, "hey you want some pills?" And I go, "yeah" and I ate pill. And you are not supposed eat pills while you drink. (audience laugh)

CONAN: I think even if not drinking it's not a good idea when someone goes, "hey, you want a bunch of pills? Yeah!" (pretends eating pills). Combing the two....

NORM: No, this guy was a decent guy. He was a bouncer, (audience laugh) no, no. But ... so these pills make you a hundred times drunker. So then I go, "wow, man, I'm really drunk". And then time passed, and I don't remember anything. And my friends say, "hey let's go". And I say, "why don't you guys go. Go!" (audience laugh) We're in a bar drinking. It doesn't seem right, you don't wanna go home, you know, and watch "I love Lucy" or something.. So I'm like, "hey, I'll just stay here and make some new friends". And I was really drunk and everybody was real cool. It was like a western. They had a jukebox, you know. The guy give you a whole bottle there, and you go "aaargghh".

CONAN: That's what you do when you drink, "aaarhhh"? Like a pirate?

NORM: yeah, and then it was the funnest, man. There was a big fat bearded guy there, and I was hanging with him real drunk, you know. And all of a sudden, I'm like "Oh, man, I can't remember anything". I remember sort of like falling on a pool table or something like that. And then I wake up and then it's like I'm in a bed. I look beside, beside there's a fat bearded guy there.

CONAN: oh, really?

NORM: yeah, yeah. So I go, "oh, Lord, God! I had sex with the fat, bearded guy!" (audience laugh) At the time, I'd never had sex before in my life, you know. I always thought, "it's probably gonna be with a lady", you know what I mean? (audience laugh)

CONAN: (Laugh)

NORM: So then I looked over and the weird thing was instead of us being in the same bed, he is in a separate bed. We had two separate beds.

CONAN: oh, like twin beds?

NORM: so I was like, "wait a minute, this is weird. Why would we be in separate beds? Is he an old-fashioned gay guy? (audience laugh)

CONAN: He has the good values. We are not married yet.

NORM: Of course, there's no such thing as an old-fashioned gay guy They are the most decadent people. (audience laugh)

CONAN: What?

NORM: They enjoy sex. They enjoy sex like crazy.

CONAN: We mustn't generalize. (laughs sheepishly).

NORM: We mustn't generalize. But seriously, if there was a bathhouse(?) for straight guys, they wouldn't be able to have sex nine, ten times a night. Anyways...(audience laugh) They love sex, it's a good thing! But I'm beside the fat, bearded guy and I go "Holy Lord", Anyways, it turns out not a gay man at all. Turns out this guy, when I blacked out, had checked me into a rehab. (audience laugh)

CONAN: No! And he's in there with you?

NORM: Yeah. And I got robes and slippers and they wouldn't give my clothes back. I had to stay in there for three days. And then they are like, "Norm, you are an alcoholic." "No, I'm not!" And apparently, that's what alcoholics say too. (audience laugh)

CONAN: (Laughs) uh...ah.

NORM: So for three days, I had to go to AA meetings, and I had only drunk like nine times. [They say,] "What's your worst one?" "I guess the ninth one was bad". And "when did you hit bottom?" and I say, "I don't know". The cool part of it was the girls all get up, and all their stories are all the same. Whenever they hit bottom, every story is the same. "Oh, when I hit bottom, you know, I f---ed a guy for a drink!" (Audience go wild. The camera pans to a group of elderly ladies in the audience(?))

CONAN: Couldn't we just take them out of the studio for the Norm part and bring them back? That's a nice story.

NORM: It's a serious illness, you know (audience laugh). Alcoholism. It's an illness. It's a good illness 'cause there's not a lot of illnesses where you get to be drunk all the time.

On The Beach With MTV

CONAN: You did MTV Beachhouse, and you know, there's a certain kind of person you'd expect to show up at MTV Beachhouse. And I heard, "We'll be right back with our special guest Norm MacDonald". What the hell were you doing?

NORM: It's a show on MTV

CONAN: I know that

NORM: And it's at a beach. And they don't script anything. They do, they go, "hey, Norm, do you mind wearing a pair of trunks, bathing trunks?" And I go, "no, I don't wanna wear that", 'cause my body is like all weird-looking and everything. (audience laugh). And everybody else is like super hot ladies and super hot men. I don't... you know, whatever. So I'm on the show, and "come on seriously, put on the trunks". And I go , 'no, man, I don't wanna..." And they think this would be fun. "We're gonna show you a fashion show and some dudes are gonna come out and show you their things", you know. I go, "what?" So all of a sudden, these three dudes come out, dancing around in thongs and shorts and everything.

CONAN: They wore thongs or shorts?

NORM: Bathing trunks. Some of them are thongs so you can see their dirty arses. (Audience laugh)

CONAN: It's like Chaucer. Yeah, go ahead.

NORM: So I'm like, pretending, "oh, that's funny".

CONAN: (Laugh) you do a lot of that on MTV.

NORM: So then the guy ,the host goes, " there was one guy who was very, very gay".

CONAN: How do you know that? He made a sign?

NORM: Then he says to this guy, "hey, I'll give you twenty bucks if you lapdance on Norm", you know what I mean? So all of a sudden, this guy goes, "hey, twenty bucks!" I guess he didn't have much money. So he starts running toward me. So I look up and here's this nude, almost nude dude running toward me. So I think in my head, "alright, pretty soon the guy's gonna be riding around on my lap with his ass", and I don't want that on TV to be for ever.

CONAN: No, it's ok to talk about you don' t wanna see it. Norm. Right, they videotape that for it to be forever. Meanwhile. what am I supposed to do? You can't hit a guy 'cause it looks bad. (audience laugh). Of course, a woman can hit a naked guy running at her.

CONAN: Sure. That's ok.

NORM: So, I have to think fast 'cause there's only a minute. So I bolt, I take off.

CONAN: (laugh) You start running down the beach?

NORM: Yeah, running down the beach.

CONAN: so the guy catch you?

NORM: Yeah, and I had to come back and they go, "ooh, Mr. Homophobic! Won't let a guy grind his ass into your lap?" (Audience laugh)

CONAN: You gotta work on that.

Please Don't Go, Andy

NORM: Hey, I'm gonna miss Andy on the show. He's gotta leave. How bad is that? (audience booing) You should stay.

CONAN: Good move. You kill everyone's joy tonight.

NORM: No, swear to God, though. You sit on a couch for a living. You should think about not giving that up. (audience laugh) It's a great job. You sit on a couch, and you sit on a chair.

ANDY: It's got to be too much though. I'm looking a way down.

CONAN: (laugh) gotta tone it down a bit.

NORM: You're a great man and I'm gonna miss you on the show. You're a great man. Isn't he great? (audience applaud)

CONAN: Maybe he'll change his mind. I keep asking him.

NORM: Maybe on the Internet, they'll start writing, "Save Andy," you know what I mean? It's not saving, 'cause he's leaving.

Norm's Crazy Uncle

CONAN: We have to talk about your uncle, 'cause everytime you come on the show, you have a story about your uncle who lives up in Canada.

NORM: Yeah, he's a French man.

CONAN: You always have a little story like...

NORM: Jean-Luc. That's his name. He's a crazy character, that dude. He recently visited New York City. Hello? (referring to Conan drinking his water) (audience laugh)

CONAN: I'm just having a drink. I can listen to you and have a drink! I still hear! Let's see if I got this right. You've got an uncle who's up in Canada named Jean-Luc. Occasionally, he visits, and once he visited New York.

NORM: I live in New York and I'm excited 'cause it's my crazy French man uncle. So he gets into a cab, right? when he gets to the airport. The cab driver picks him up and he says, "hey, french man! Do you like riddles?" And Jean-Luc goes, (in his funny, loud French accent) "Yes, I love a riddle. I like nothing better than a riddle!" The cab driver goes, " alright here's one. Brothers, sisters I have none. But this man's father is my father's son." So my uncle goes, "uh...I don't know!". So the cabbie goes, "It's me!" And my uncle thinks about it and "ah, that's a good riddle there. I have to tell my wife, Marie Claire when I get back to Gaspe" That's where he lives. So "take me back to the airport!" So the cabbie goes, "what? I thought you wanted to visit Norm?" "No, no, no, I go back to the airport. I have to tell Marie Claire." Seems odd. So he gets back on the airplane, flies all the way back to home, Gaspe. And he gets back, rings the door, "Marie Claire, Marie Clair! Where are you, Marie Clair? Come on down here, I have a riddle for you!" She goes (faking woman's voice) "ohhhh, Jean Luc, I love a riddle" She's a woman, the high voice. (Audience laugh).

CONAN: I thought Michael Jackson was visiting.

NORM: "Oh, you are going to love this." "How was New York?" "Forget about that! I've got a riddle. Brothers, sisters I have none. But this man's father is my father's son." "Oh, I don't know. What is it?" "Some f---ing cab driver in New York!" (Audience go wild)

CONAN: No, no, no!

NORM: I'm sorry.

CONAN: What are you doing? You didn't mean to do that, did you? Be honest!

NORM: No, I didn't I just got to the end...that guy, I always tell my uncle, "you shouldn't curse so much." (audience laugh)

CONAN: Oh, man.

You Can't Say That Norm...

NORM: It's true, man. One of my buddies who was with a hooker was telling me...

CONAN: Wait a minute? You have a hooker story? Here we go! (Audience laugh)

NORM: He phoned me up once from Vegas, and he goes, "hey, man I'm with this hooker, but I think she ripped me off!" 'Cause she took the money, right? And she goes, "I'm gonna go into the bathroom and you get towel to wipe off your ----. (huge laugh)

CONAN: No, no, wait a minute! You can't... you can't...(little pissed at Norm's potty mouth?) What are you doing tonight?

NORM: I can't remember the rest of the story.

CONAN: I'm glad you can't remember the rest of the story! But you can remember the crucial sentence! This is a network show!

NORM: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

CONAN: This is like going to Salt Lake City! Not tonight! Alright.....

NORM: I'm sorry.

CONAN: Total meltdown tonight! Will & Grace in on Tuesdays at 9:00 on NBC, which by the way brought you all this tonight. (audience laugh) Sean Hayes, we'll be right back!

Thank you Wayne Ohm for transcribing this appearance.