The View
SEPTEMBER 29, 1999 (ABC)

Calling in Sick

NORM: But you know what, I was saying, like, uh, when you were talking about calling in sick. I do that all the time, right? But you have to pick like good things to say like good things to say, you know what I mean? If you say, like you go to far like, you go "Hey man, I've got some Spina Bifida," or something like that, they're like suspicious, or Scurvy or something like that. But, you know what ah--because they've cured Scurvy, y'know? They've figured out oranges was the cure. But uh, you know what's a good thing to say? I swear to God when you phone in call in sick, three words: "Highly Contagious Diarrhea." (laughter and applause)

TV Ratings System

NORM: The TV ratings are confusing, so at the start of every show, now, on my show I try to explain them, 'cause it's TVMA, it's all stuff that people don't understand, it's ridiculous!

STAR: Help us with some TV ratings.

NORM: I came up with some stuff.

STAR: Uh, oh. He's got stuff.

MEREDITH: Are these new? These aren't new, are they?

NORM: It's a bit. (laughter)

MEREDITH: I didn't know if you were funny or not, i'm sorry.

NORM: Yeah, it's like Tim Kazurinsky, remember him? (old SNL player)

STAR: Okay, go ahead.

NORM: Okay, so now (laughs). It's so ridiculous, it's like Johnny Carson or something. This (holds up card saying TV-KP) is the uh, you know that show "Dawson's Creek", you know that show? (Picture is displayed) There it is, there's a picture of it. There's a little visual aid. Now, Dawson's Creek has a TV-KP. TV stands for "Tele--Vision", and KP stands for "Kiddie Porn". (laughter and applause) Okay, this is 20/20's thing here. It's TV-WTHCSNTHD. It's a long one, you know? And it stands for "Who's That Hot Chick Who Sits Next To Hugh Downs?" Yeah here's uh, Suddenly Susan, y'know, you ever see that show? With Brooke Shields? Here's a picture of it. And this is TV-what ever the hell that is. And it stands for, uh: "The reason Andre Agassi sucked at tennis for so long." I don't know exactly how this warns people, but anyway. This is a big long one, too. I had a lot of time on my hands at the hotel yesterday. This is for the West Wing, the wild hit, the West Wing. It's a smash hit. This is, this stands for "The Difference Between This Show, and Real Life is That the President Doesn't get a--" well you get the point. (The only remaining letters are BJ.) Oh, wait, The View! I've got the View! This is The View, you don't need a cast picture for that. This is The View thing, and it stands for: "If You're Really Lucky, Maybe Meredith's Breasts Will Pop Out Again."* (Laughter and applause)

MEREDITH: You should be so lucky, Norm.

* On the April 2, 1999, Meredith was modeling her old prom dress on "The View." She accidentally popped out of her top and one of her breasts was briefly exposed as the other two co-hosts tried to shield her from the cameras.

What's Your Problem?: Frightened Child

NORM: I would never let my little 6-year-old boy sleep in my bed with me.

LISA: Why?

NORM: Well I think it's creepy.

LISA: Well if he's scared, you just make him sleep in his own bed?

NORM: Uh, I don't know, I think in this day and age, you don't want to do anything, man that could look bad. Like I remember one time, I was in this park and there was this little girl she said "Hey can you push me on the swing?" I go "Alright". So I'm pushin' her, and all the sudden her dad comes in, I'm like pushin' her. He's like "Hey, man." I'm like "Hey".

STAR: That's a whole other discussion.

What's Your Problem?: Moving In

NORM: Yes, I have a question, it says "Dear Norm"--why they would--huh, well--(half laugh) why they'd write it to me, I don't know. Alice from Washington, she says Dear Norm. I am 18 and--I am 18--and I can't read.

STAR: You can read it.

NORM: Okay, yeah, "Dear Norm. I am 18, and I will soon be moving in with a guy 7 years old.

STAR: Seven years old?

NORM: Older, older, older, OLDER! Seven years older, I'm sorry. (Laughing and Clapping) I am 18, and will soon be moving in with a guy 7 years older, while I do find him very attractive, I know that nothing will become of it. My problem is convincing my older brother and my best friend that nothing is going to happen. What can I say to convince this protective duo?

JOY: What?

NORM: I know, it's a long bunch of words.

JOY: It's a convoluted crazy.

STAR: Okay, so she's moving in with a guy who's older, and doesn't see it going anywhere long-term?

NORM: She wants to convince the dynamic duo.

MEREDITH: Well, mind her own business.

JOY: Norm's supposed to answer.

NORM: No, I'm supposed to answer.

STAR: What do you think, Norm?

NORM: I think, uh, either way. (laughter and clapping)

LISA: Okay, that is so profound.

JOY: You know, you are deeply shallow.

NORM: No, I mean seriously, it's no skin off my noggin.

What's Your Problem?: Stripper Debate

LISA: Kelly from Montreal, Canada writes "Dear Lisa. My boyfriend went to a strip club behind my back, the problem is that you're allowed to touch the dancers at this club, we got in a fight and I almost dumped him because of this. What goes on at these clubs, and do you think I'm overreacting?" I'll answer the second part first: Yes I think you're overreacting, and if you really want to know, why don't you go with him.

NORM: Yeah, I'll go with him, too.

MEREDITH: Why do you think he's overreacting? He's touching all these women?

LISA: No, I mean he's going to watch these women, it's not like they're actually engaging anything.

MEREDITH: He's touching them. You can touch them.

LISA: No, they can touch them. I don't think it's that big of a deal. I actually will go every now and then.

STAR: You don't have a problem with the thought of your man being touched by, and touching another woman, who's naked, and her boobs are near his mouth?

NORM: That brings up an interesting question, "Will you marry me?" (laughter)

What's Your Problem?: Fat Husband

NORM: A viewer name Erin writes "Dear Joy", and then it scratched out "Joy" and put "Norm". (laughter)

STAR: You're not supposed to give it away.

NORM: I'm sorry. It says "I need your help. I am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. He is too fat, and constantly wants sex. When I look at him, I say to myself "Yuck!" (laughter) But he has no desire to go on a diet. I have been married for 7 years, and have a 4-year-old son with him. Do you think this issue is only because of his weight, or do you think it is deeper than this?" Like maybe she's a bitch. (laughter)

STAR: I knew that was coming.