Dennis Miller: The Millennium Special
1,000 years, 100 laughs, 10 really good ones
DECEMBER 4, 1999 (HBO)

Our Favorite Guest: March 6, 1909

DENNIS: Now, Norman, you're an inventive guy...uh, which of the current batch of inventions has tickled your fancy? What do you like?

NORM: Uh, well, uh, Henry, uh Ford uh just invented the assembly line, there, ya know.

DENNIS: Right, yeah, I heard.

NORM: And that was good 'cause he wanted, ya know, not just rich people, but ANYONE, to drive over and see his cock. (laughter)

DENNIS: (Laughing) Is there any other one that's caught your fancy?

NORM: There's Alexander Graham Bell, ya know?


NORM: He, uh, he invented the telephone; so he could call people up, tell 'em to come on over and see his cock, ya know, (laughter) 'cause he was tired of yellin' it out the window. he was goin "Hey..."

DENNIS: I think I see a theme developing.

NORM: ...check out my cock." (laughter)

Our Favorite Guest: December 18, 1931

DENNIS: So Norm, I heard you just got back from New York City. What's happenin' in Gotham?

NORM: Oh my God, well the big thing is the new Empire State Building, have you seen this?

DENNIS: No, I've heard, I have not seen yet.

NORM: Oh, it's crazy. What I'm interested in is the original architect's blueprint, ya know?


NORM: It called for the building to be painted fleshtone, Dennis, with a large, rounded head so the architect could lie on the street, and pretend he had a thousand-foot cock. (laughter) Frank Lloyd Wright, more like Frank Lloyd Cock! (laughter)

Our Favorite Guest: October 2, 1959

DENNIS: So Norm, tell me, what's your take on this whole Cold War thing?

NORM: Well, my brother works down at the UN, right?

DENNIS: Right.

NORM: And you remember last week when Kruschev was bangin' his shoe on the table?

DENNIS: Sure, crazy bastard.

NORM: Yeah, so my brother was sitting beside him, and Kruschev, like, he accidentally slips and my brother gets hit right in the cock. (laughter)

DENNIS: With the shoe?

NORM: Yeah, by Kruschev's shoe. So my brother turns to him, he says, "Hey! You hit me in the cock again you dirty commie, I'll bury ya!" (laughter)

Our Favorite Guest: September 19, 1969

DENNIS: So what's been happenin', man?

NORM: Oh, man, I dropped acid the other week.


NORM: That is bizarre stuff. Yeah, my cock started singing to me. (laughter) Sounded like Joe Cocker. (laughter)

The Future?

DENNIS: Hey, Norm.

NORM: Hey, hey, ya know what I think they should put on the dark side of the moon?


NORM: Vast fields of bio-engineered, hydroponically-grown cock. (laughter)


NORM: Yeah, you know, like a back-up supply just in case our Earthbound supply of cock might run out one day.

DENNIS: No cock tucked away for a cocky day.

NORM: Exactly! Look at my head, man, it looks like a cock. (laughter)

DENNIS: It does.

NORM: Cock. Cock. Cock. That's just my opinion, I could be wrong. (laughter)

Thank you Kim Howe for transcribing this appearance.