The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
DECEMBER 20, 1999 (NBC)

Christmas Gifts

JAY: Have you finished your Christmas shopping?

NORM: Oh, yeah, Iíve shopped for almost everything, I do it on the, uh, the uh, dot cóuh, emilóe, uh, ebay. . . I donít know.

JAY: Yeah, whatever it is.

NORM: The computer.

JAY: The computer, you go on the computeóyou shop on the computer.

NORM: Yeah, yeah. They just, uh, take your credit card, you know, and then they send you, uh, stuff, you donít have to go out and Christmas shop.

JAY: Oh, you donít, you donít like, you donít like to go to the malls?

NORM: Huh?

JAY: Donít like the malls, do ya?

NORM: No, well, I, I kind of like the malls sometimes, you know. You know whatís fun to do at the malls?

JAY: What?

NORM: Uh, if you want to be, uh, popular with the young kids at the malls, give emógive em free cigarettes. They think youíre like the coolest guy in the world!

JAY: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

NORM: Just tossing out cartons of old gold.

JAY: Yeah, yeah.

NORM: IóIím shopping for a lot of things this year, I, I had trouble last year cause I got, do you ever get a gift, you know, for a dude, your friend, you know, and uh, then your gift that you get him, like is way worse than the gift he got you?

JAY: Yeah.

NORM: Like last year, my friend Ben Johnson, man, that guy give me a, uh, one of them laser disc, uh, whole laser disc thing.

JAY: Oh, sure, like a DVD player?

NORM: Yeah, yeah, with allónot, DVD, yeah, thatís it, not laser disc. It was really cool, you know, and I felt happy, and then I realized that he was about to open my gift, I got him a Chia head, right? So I knew it was horrible, I didnít realize that he liked me so much more than I liked him.

JAY: Right, yeah whatever. Not certainly a sign of liking someone, spending more money on them.

NORM: Well, you know.

The Joys of the Lottery

NORM: I always used to get, uh, lottery tickets, but then I stopped doing that.

JAY: (laughing) Lottery tickets!

NORM: Yeah, you know, I figured, you go, you just get a lottery ticket, and it seems like a good gift, even though itís nothing at all, you know? It seems like it could be something.

JAY: Yeah, yeah.

NORM: But you donít want it to be something, the last thing you wantóguy to win, you know what I mean?

JAY: Oh yeah, you donít want that. You want it to be like a number off.

NORM: Yeah, exactly!

JAY: Oh, 9-8, oh.

NORM: That would be perfect. One time, I remember my dad, my, my aunt always, uh, I donít know if this is funny or not, but my aunt always (audience laughs), I should think about it before I get at it.

JAY: Yeah, thatíd be nice. Just a little bit.

NORM: But my aunt always got her lottery tickets, every week, you know? And she always had her numbers, she always played the same numbers? And uh, one week there, she couldnít get to the store, and uh, my dad said, uh, well what the hellís the difference, you know, if you donít get it one week? She goes, "Oh, no, well those are my numbers, and I wouldnít want, uh, uh, these are my lucky numbers and I wouldnít wanna, to not do it this week and then the numbers come up." And then my father said "well if that happened, they wouldnít be your lucky numbers!" (laughter and huge audience applause)

JAY: You know, I, I never thought of it that way, yes, kind of a wise old sage, your dad! I see youíve got much of your influence and wisdom from your father.

NORM: Yeah, heís a very wise man. Heís the guy that told me, no matter how bad things get, you can always drink whiskey.

JAY: Yeah, those old Canadian homilies, yeah, theyíre fascinating.

What Norm Wants for Christmas

NORM: Iíd love to get, and Iíve never gotten this, and I think itís the perfect gift, is a Christmas tree.

JAY: Why canít you just go out and buy a tree?

NORM: Exactly! But why canít somebody give me one? Thatís what I need at Christmas. Thatís what I really need.

JAY: Yeah.

NORM: Hey, I thought of the perfect stocking stuffer.

JAY: Whatís that?

NORM: A human leg! (Huge applause and laughter from audience)

JAY: Yep, yeah, thatíd be nice, a lovely gift, lovely, lovely gift.

NORM: It would fit perfectly!

JAY: I guess youíre right, depending on the size.

New Year Resolutions

NORM: Well, New Yearís Eve, I always try to make a resolution, I madeócouple of resolutions last year, they, they panned out, you know?

JAY: They did?

NORM: Yeah.

JAY: Well, thatís very good!

NORM: What I try to do in my resolutions, Jay, is, and I think a lot of people make this mistake, theyíll overreach.

JAY: Yeah, you donít want, not that, overreach.

NORM: Yeah, theyíll say "I wanna lose fifty pounds," well come on, you know what I mean, youíre not gonna lose fifty pounds, or uh, oh, uh, Iím gonna be good to people, something, you know what I mean? JAY: Be good to people, thatís ridiculous!

NORM: Well, (laughs) sorry. So I like to just have a thing that I know Iím gonna, uh. . . .

JAY: You can attain.

NORM: Yes. So my last year I figured, uh, my last yearís resolutionóget a haircut.

JAY: Get a haircut.

NORM: Yeah. So I got a haircut.

JAY: Right.

NORM: And uh, my other resolution was, uh, watch that show, uh, "Runaway with the Rich and Famous." (laughing)

JAY: But you couldnít bring yourself to do that one.

NORM: No, I watched it!

JAY: Oh, you watched it? Yeah. "Runaway with the Rich and Famous," yeah.

NORM: Yeah. I watched one, man, it was a. . .

JAY: Is that still on? I wouldnít think it would be on last year.

NORM: It was on, it was, I saw it like two months ago.

JAY: Was it in Canada?

NORM: No, no, it was here, they had, uh, itís, itís, you know, uh, you know, uh, "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

JAY: Right, right.

NORM: This is like an offshoot, itís called "Runaway with the Rich and Famous."

JAY: Oh, this is like, you take the money from the rich people and then you run away.

NORM: No, no, no, no, you run away, like, run away to a getaway, letís go to a, a, a famóuh, you know, a nice, uh. . .

JAY: A spa.

NORM: A spa, with a famous dude.

JAY: Okay.

NORM: Like I saw one. . .

JAY: So itís a gay show.

NORM: No, no, no, no. (Audience laughter) The camera crew goes with the famous dude.

JAY: Oh, oh, I see, itís not two guys run away and then go to a spa.

NORM: No, no, itís Robin Leach, goes, and he goóyou know, and so heíll go (attemps Robin Leach voice) "Here we are in lovely Barbados, it has sunshine," I canít do Robin Leach, you know.

JAY: Really?

NORM: (laughing) It has, it has sunshine, hehe, Iíll try a little harder.

JAY: It sounds like youíre doing Norm!

NORM: "It has, it has sunshine, and everything, everything but Tony Danza," and then they show Tony Danza, he comes in with the boat.

JAY: Was Tony on the, uh, on the rich and. . . ?

NORM: He was on "Runaway with the Rich and Famous." But, this year, for my uh, because Iím changing my resolution this year, because of the upcoming Y2K catastrophe.

JAY: Oh, yeah.

NORM: That I figureíll wipe out a lot of the earth.

JAY: Really, you think so? So you. . . .

NORM: So my resolution this year is, donít let anybody into my bunker no matter how long they kick on the door!

JAY: Really? Just keep it sealed?

NORM: No, itís for me!

JAY: Yeah.

NORM: Maybe Iíll let my son in.

Homeless Bums

NORM: I feel for poor people sometimes, you know?

JAY: Really?

NORM: When I lived in New York, there was a lot of them homeless dudes, you know the, the mayor getting in trouble there with the homeless dudes.

JAY: Sure, Mayor Giuliani with the homeless, yeah.

NORM: Yeah. And I had my experience with a homeless bum there, I, I would never give money to the homeless bums there on account of. . .

JAY: The homeless bums? (laughing)

NORM: The homeless uh, dudeóbums, ya know? And, uh, myócause my mom always said "donít give it to em, theyíll just use the money for crack." You know? And I figured, you know, you know, I donít wanna give money and then theyíll, the homeless guys do crack with it, thatís terrible.

JAY: Right.

NORM: And also, it, uh, saves me a few bucks!

JAY: Right! (audience laughter)

NORM: And, at the end of your life, I, you, that could add up to maybe like a thousand dollars, if you donít give, if you never give money to a homeless guy.

JAY: Right, right.

NORM: It adds up. Anyway. So, but I s-saw this one time, it was, it was Christmas, uh, uh, er, you know, time, and I said, "hereís a homeless bum there" I says to myself, "why donít I, instead of giving this guy money, all heís gonna do is buy crack with it."

JAY: To buy crack again, yeah.

NORM: Why not just feed the guy, bring him into a nice restaurant?

JAY: Thatís very admirable.

NORM: And there was a diner near my place, and uh, prices were reasonable, so it wasnít gonna put me out too much. I, I took a homeless guy, said "Iím gonna take you to this diner that I always go to," so I go there with him, you know, into this diner, sit down, uh, uh, to get móa meal. Good God if the guy, uh, the, the unbearable stench of urine starts coming off this guy. So nobody wants that in a restaurant.

JAY: No, you donít, you donít want that.

NORM: So Iím like all right, everybodyís like, trying to eat, you know? So the guy orders his food, and Iím trying to talk to him. He starts telling me about how, this is his idea of a conversation, this guy, starts telling me about how, uh, Governor Rockefeller is poisoning the pigeons! Right, in the city! So I tell this guy, I go, "What are you, retarded?" I said, "Governor Rockefeller, I said, the governor of this state is Pataki! Governor Pataki!" He says, "No, no, you know. Huh," he talked weird, he was like (trying to do strange accent) "Huhhh, the, the pigeons." He says, "The pigeons are cleanest animal you ever seen," I go, "Iím not arguing with you buddy, but Iím telling ya, the governorís name is Pataki!" It was unbelievable. He was crazy. He wasnít, turned out he wasnít retarded, he was, you know, "Whoowooo!" (tries to indicate that the man was crazy)

JAY: Well at least you were sensitive to that, I think thatís the important thing.

NORM: He was a good man, though.

Dick Clark

JAY: So what is it youíre hosting next month, the, some kind of music show?

NORM: American Music Awards with Dick Clark.

JAY: Oh, well that seems. . . .

NORM: That guyís a young lookiní guy, ya seen him?

JAY: He looks good, he looks very good.

NORM: Holy Lord God! I asked him if I could get some of his blood to drink! (audience laughter) I thought maybe that would make me young too.

Bowling Dog

NORM: That was three pin bowling.

JAY: Three pin bowling.

EMBETH: I know, he didnít, we donít have ten.

NORM: Oh, you donít have ten?

EMBETH: We just have three, he chewed up the other ones.

NORM: Maybe if you do a couple more films!

EMBETH: (laughing) Donít! Shut up!

JAY: Youíre very cruel Norm!

EMBETH: That is awful! I donít want to talk to him now.

JAY: Donít you worry about him!

NORM: Iím just saying, how much could a pin cost?

EMBETH: Listen to me.

JAY: Weíll get, weíll get her, weíll get her seven more pins.

NORM: Okay, all right.

EMBETH: Itís not, itís not the quantity, itís the quality that counts.

JAY: Thatís right, thank you, thank you (Elizabeth?).

NORM: So those were three quality pins?

JAY: Yeah! Exactly!

Thank you Liddy for transcribing this appearance.