The Martin Short Show
MARCH 17, 2000 (FOX)

Not Norm Crosby... Norm Macdonald

JIMINY: My name is Jiminy Glick. The show is La-La Wood and we're here on the wonderful "Norm" set. The wonderful CBS hit that intrigues people every day of the year. And we're sitting with its star, Mr. Norm Crosby. Norm, how wonderful to see you.

NORM: No, No, I'm not Norm Crosby, I'm Norm Macdonald. Norm Crosby is the malaprop comic, I'm Norm...

JIMINY: Malaprops, and you do them so well...

NORM: No, it's not me...

JIMINY: Like you'll say I'm going into, uh...I want to eat a banana, but you would say a "bahanna" (laughter). How do you do it, Norm?

NORM: It's not me, it's Norm Crosby, I'm Norm Macdonald.

JIMINY: You're Norm Macdonald.

Star Quality

JIMINY: Why did you come to Hollywood, Norm?

NORM: I thought I could be a star.

JIMINY: You did? And when that didn't happen, what did you do then (laughter)?

NORM: I got the writing job.

JIMINY: Can I tell you something, you carry a wonderful star...star quality to you, it's a glow.

NORM: Thank you.

JIMINY: And it's definitely pancake makeup where you smiled and a hunk just fell on your shoulder. We'll get that later (laughter). But, it's also an energy that you exude. Why do you think certain stars exude energy, Norm Macdonald?

NORM: Well, I think that that's what makes them stars, it's that they have that star energy.

JIMINY: And you don't have it (laughter) is that what you're saying?

NORM: I thought I did have it, I thought that's what you just said.

JIMINY: You're very dry and you're very glimpse, you have the sparkle in your eyes like a young Dennis Day (laughter).

Jiminy's Secret

JIMINY: What do you find intriguing about Hollywood?

NORM: There's a lot of people with a lot of secrets in Hollywood.

JIMINY: Secrets in Hollywood. What kind of secrets?

NORM: Well, for instance, you. I always see you out in public, y'know, I see you at The Palm, I see you at The Ivy.

JIMINY: I love The Ivy.

NORM: But I never see you with your...uh...your wife and children.

JIMINY: My wife Dixie.

NORM: Yeah.

JIMINY: Because, you know what, she's a little bit agora --

NORM: Doesn't get out much?

JIMINY: Agora -- agora --

NORM: -- phobic?

JIMINY: phobic...She doesn't get out much. And she..she says to me that she doesn't have anything to wear. She's very --

NORM: The four children, they never get out either?

JIMINY: Oh, my goodness, you worked with Dr. Dolittle (laughter). With Eddie Murphy.

NORM: That's right.

JIMINY: That must be fun, he's always doing that (in Eddie Murphy's laugh) "He! He! He!" (laughter)... I do very, very few people, but that's what I do.

NORM: But, I'm just saying when you're out in public, I always see you with... body builders...

JIMINY: Oh, my God, you're Canadian.

Hygiene

JIMINY: You're from Quebec. Is-- is-- is-- Qu-- Qu-- Quebec going to leave (laughter) the country, is it going to secede or accede or whatever the --

NORM: Se-- se-- secede

JIMINY: What is that word? Se-- se--

NORM: Se-- se-- secede

JIMINY: Why don't the French bathe as much (laughter)? You are from...do you bathe?

NORM: Sure.

JIMINY: So it's just a thing in Europe. The French in Europe don't bathe. I once was a driver, years ago, I was working at Jimmy's.

NORM: Oh, sure.

JIMINY: I was asked to serve at the table of --

NORM: Alan Jelone?

JIMINY: Jean Birjacue --

NORM: Oh.

JIMINY: And you could tell it smelled like gouda left out in the wind (laughter) for about seven days. Jean Birjacue, wonderful man, not a good tipper, and again, there were other problems in the hygiene area (laughter).

Fellas Like You

JIMINY: Wouldn't it be fun to do my nightly ritual which is a lovely walk around the Hollywood sign and then a steam?

NORM: (Laughs) Oh, my lord. Just me and you?

JIMINY: Yes. No, No, No...Yes! Why? Because we could talk old Hollywood. Aren't you curious?

NORM: No, I'm curious about that sort of thing, but it's just been my experience when I first came to Hollywood I encountered a lot of fellas like you.

JIMINY: And what does that mean, Norm Macdonald?

NORM: Well, just often times, I lived near Santa Monica Boulevard, and a big car pulled up and asked me if I needed a lift.

JIMINY: What are you trying to say?

NORM: No, it's just that...(laughter)

JIMINY: I am full blooded heterosexual.

NORM: I'm not saying any such thing.

JIMINY: I have four healthy sons and I...I...I...after this interview, I'll go home and I'll buff my lady (laughter), for that's what I do.

NORM: Okay. I never see her. I've never seen pictures.

JIMINY: I'll show you pictures if you want to come to my home.

NORM: Do you have any pictures on you? Normally a man would carry pictures of his wife and children.

JIMINY: I don't...no, no...because it's...you know my problem was, I lost my...I lost my briefcase (laughter)

NORM: What is Dixie's middle name?

JIMINY: Dixie -- Dixie -- Ann (laughter) -- Dixie Ann -- Dixie Ann Glick.

NORM: What was maiden name, she have a...before she was married?

JIMINY: Her maiden name was...Levy (laughter), she was a Jewish girl.

NORM: Okay.

JIMINY: Her middle name was Grovener.

NORM: I thought you said it was Ann.

JIMINY: She's one of these people that says why should I just have one middle name when I can have two (laughter).

NORM: It's your business.

Being A Bachelor

JIMINY: Let's talk about your own life, your own private life. Who do you aspire these days?

NORM: (Laughs) I'm not seeing anyone.

JIMINY: You're not seeing anyone, that's very suspicious. So you're a bachelor. Happy bachelor at 38. That's a funny title, isn't it? What's that about? Thou protest to much I think.

NORM: I'm not a confirmed bachelor.

JIMINY: You're not a confirmed bachelor.

NORM: But I feel no need to get married and have children just -- just so people won't think -- you know (laughter).

JIMINY: Thank you. Dennis, it's been fun to see you, I don't like your accusations.

NORM: No, I'm not --

JIMINY: It's a young -- it's a David Spade approach (laughter) with me and it's kind of mean and bitter, and I don't know what merits it, I don't know what merits it, but I think it's a need to be counterculture, you're very much like Lenny Bruce except he actually had a act (laughter). (To the audience) This is Jiminy Glick, the show is La-La Wood on the set of "Norm," the fabulous Norm Crosby (laughter). (To Norm) Thank you, thank you. I'm gonna forgive ya, if you give me a ride home, I'll provide the steam. Good night.