Family Guy: Death is a Bitch
MARCH 21, 2000 (FOX)

PROVIDER'S NOTE: These are clips from Norm MacDonald’s appearance as the Grim Reaper, Death, on the FOX animated series "Family Guy". The episode, "Death is a Bitch", was one of the most celebrated in the show’s short history. Death would become a recurring character, but would be voiced in the future by The Man Show’s Adam Carolla.


[Death arrives at the Griffins’ to take Peter away.]

Death: Come on, man, which one of you’s Peter Griffin?

Peter: [holding up lamp] Um… this is Peter Griffin.

Death: [sarcastic laughter] Hey, that’s a good one! [more laughter]


Lois: Why are you--

Death: [interrupting] No, wait! I’m not finished holding my sides! [laughter]

Lois: Why are you--

Death: [uproarious laughter]


Lois: Why--

Death: [even more laughter]

Sprained Ankle

[Death has sprained his ankle after chasing Peter.]

Meg: I got a B-plus in health. Is there anything I can do?

Death: Yeah—why don’t you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein? It’s a sprained ankle!

Dire Consequences

[Peter goes to leave.]

Death: Hey, wait, wait—you can’t tell anyone I’m here. For if humanity discovers I’m no longer lurking in the shadows, the consequences will be dire.

Peter: Go on…

Death: That’s it. [to Lois] What the hell do you see in him?

Bored as Hell

[Death is playing the board game “Life” with Lois.]

Lois: It’s your turn, Death.

Death: Yeah, I know I should find this ironic, but really, I’m just bored as hell. [flipping through the television channels] Hey, how old is this TV? You could probably get the DuMont Network on this thing.

Crap Cocoa

Lois: Could you please find it in your heart to spare him? After all, it isn’t really his time—

Death: [interrupting] What’d you make this cocoa out of, crap?

Lois: [sighs] If you want me to make it again, I—

Death: [interrupting] Sorry, Lois. It’s my fault. I assumed you were going to make it with milk, not crap.


[Meg enters the room with a magazine.]

Meg: I brought you something to read.

Death: Oh, Glamour, great! I can learn how to please my man! [handing magazine back] Go get me an Entertainment Weekly. I hear it’s got a great picture of me sneaking up on Tom Snyder.

Teen Years

Lois: Stewie, leave Death alone.

Death: He’s okay! He reminds me a lot of me at that age. I just hope his teen years went better than mine. Boy, talk about awkward.

[Flashback to a remote area and the outside of a rocking car.]

Female: [passionate sounds]

Death: Oh, Sandy! Oh, Sandy! Ohhh…

[The car stops rocking.]

Death: [pause] Sandy? Oh, not again! I’m gonna be a virgin forever! [pause] Or am I?

[The car begins rocking again.]

If You Get My Drift

[Lois is pleading for her husband’s life.]

Lois: He has so much to live for, Death! He loves his children, and—

Death: Okay, okay. I’ll spare his life. But, uh, you owe me, if you get my drift.

[Lois begins to undress.]

Death: What the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup! Not bad though.

Death Leaves

[Death is leaving the Griffin household.]

Lois: We’re gonna miss you, Death.

Death: Hey, don’t worry. I’ll be back—really really soon. [laughs] “Is he joking?” [laughs] Okay, see ya later!

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