Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

EDITOR'S NOTE: In the spring of 2001, the FakeNews.Net files became subject to a computer (I wouldn't say virus) bug that deleted random bits of text from all the files. And this is the file I wasn't able to completely salvage. (Because it was the newest one and I hadn't backed it up yet). So I've tried to piece it back together as well as I could. I put "DELETED SECTION" tags in places I know there are things missing, but there may be random skips and jumps in there still. But I think what's left still accurately portrays what happened that night.

PROVIDER'S NOTE: The second celebrity edition of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" originally aired on November 12, November 14, November 15, November 16, and November 19, 2000; Norm played as a contestant on the November 19 episode but was present for all shows. The celebrity edition was re-broadcast in a special Vh-1 Pop-Up edition on December 24, December 26, December 27, December 28, and December 31, 2000. The following transcript is from the Pop-Up version including the extra facts presented in the Pop-Up bubbles; however, only the parts relevant to Norm from the five shows have been transcribed.

Click Here to skip ahead to Norm in "the hotseat".

December 24, 2000

During the opening credits
Regis Philbin: Norm Macdonald, Québec City, Québec
Pop-Up Bubble: Goes through 10 packs of gum

During the introduction of the contestants; Norm was not paying attention
Regis: Hey Norm, you got a minute? Here I am, right over here. Norm Macdonald, beginning to drift already?
Regis Thought Bubble: "That Norm must be from outer space!"

During Alec Baldwin's turn to play
Regis: What is the common nickname for a person who throws garbage on the ground in public places?
Jon Lovitz: Norm Macdonald!

Alec Baldwin's question was, "According to the title of his 1991 album, who is the 'OG' Original Gangster?"
Regis: Somebody take a look at Norm Macdonald and tell me if he's still awake.
Norm: I know this answer, it's Al Capone.

After the second Fastest Finger question; Norm apparently had trouble with a lot of the Fastest Finger questions
Regis: Everybody finished? Norm, are you finished?
Norm: I'm finished.

During Jon Stewart's turn to play
Regis: What phrase is commonly used to describe a poker game where large amounts of money are wagered? High-stakes, Deep pockets, Low tolerance, Really unwise.
Jon Stewart: I-I can't believe Norm's name's not on here.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm has a reputation in Hollywood as a gambler.
Regis: What is he doing back there? Give me a Norm Macdonald report.
Jon Stewart: He can play some cards.
Regis: Is he all right back there?
Jon Stewart: He's a good man.
Pop-Up Bubble: Jon hung out backstage with Alec (Baldwin), Drew (Carey), Norm, and Charlie (Sheen).

December 26, 2000

During the introduction of the contestants
Regis: Norm Macdonald, Québec City, Québec
Pop-Up Bubble: Reaching for a newspaper

During Drew Carey's turn to play; Sam Simon was his lifeline
Pop-Up Bubble: Sam Simon is a producer of The Drew Carey Show and a co-creator of The Simpsons.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm also uses him as a phone-a-friend.

During Charlie Sheen's turn to play; his question was, "In a 1999 episode of 'The X-Files,' which character claims to be Fox Mulder's biological father? A. Well-Manicured Man B. Walter Skinner C. Alex Krycek D. Cigarette-Smoking Man"
Jon Lovitz: Regis, Regis Philbin!
Regis: Was that you, Norm?
Norm: No, but I think he could have gone to the trouble of finding out these characters' names.

Fifth Fastest Finger Question: "Put these landmarks in the correct order starting in the U.S. and going east. A. Vatican B. Taj Mahal C. Golden Gate Bridge D. Stonehenge"
Regis: Okay everybody, time's up, let's see the answer in the correct order starting in the U.S. and going east: Golden Gate Bridge, and then Stonehenge, Vatican, finally Taj Mahal. That's the right order, who got it in the fastest time?
A screen showing everyone's time comes up; Jon Lovitz was the fastest; Norm's time was 10.75 seconds; this was the only Fastest Finger question he got correct other than his own.

December 27, 2000

During the introduction of the contestants
Regis: And look who's there ladies and gentlemen.
Vivica A. Fox: Norm!
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm showed up at the studio 15 minutes before taping.
Regis: Look who's there, Norm himself, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and has no idea where he is but he's right there. Always good to see you, Norm.
Norm: Yeah. It's gonna be good, uh, I have a little trouble because I know there's like fifteen questions, I only know like ten, twelve things.
Regis: We'll try to keep that in mind.

During Jon Lovitz's turn to play; his question was, "What author created the hard-boiled detective Mike Hammer? A. Tom Clancy B. Mickey Spillane C. Ian Fleming D. Robert Ludlum;" Jon correctly answered Mickey Spillane
Regis: Did you know that?
Jon Lovitz: Yes.
Regis: Really? I think most everybody did except maybe Norm.

During Jon Lovitz's turn to play; after a commercial break Jon and Regis discussed again that Jon was playing for Holly Grove, an orphanage in Hollywood
Pop-Up Bubble: Many fellow-comedians have also donated time to Jon's charity.
Pop-Up Bubble: David Spade
Pop-Up Bubble: Dennis Miller
Pop-Up Bubble: Bill Maher
Pop-Up Bubble: Jay Leno
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm Macdonald (they incorrectly spelled it McDonald)
Pop-Up Bubble: Dana Carvey

During Jon Lovitz's turn to play; he had a cough and was sucking on a cough drop while trying to talk
Regis: The man is chewing, swallowing, gurgling, you know, I'm trying to talk to him, Norm.
Pop-Up Bubble: (Pointing to Norm's gum) Peppermint flavored

During Jon Lovitz's turn to play; his question was "What phrase completes the 1990 Doritos slogan made famous by Jay Leno, 'Crunch all you want?' A. You brought them B. It's your right C. We'll make more D. Then buy another bag;" Jon didn't know the answer
Norm: It's, it's, it's not, it's, it's not "we'll make less," it's "we'll make more," well that's too much of a clue I guess.
Regis Thought Bubble: "That Norm is sharp as a tack!"
Regis: Remember, that comes from Norm. Factor that in.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm becomes a bigger factor in this celebrity edition than Jon does.

During Jon Lovitz's turn to play
Pop-Up Bubble: What did Regis think about Jon during this segment?
Regis Thought Bubble: "He may be stranger than Norm!"

December 28, 2000

Regis: ...still trying to figure out how to press the okay button. You know, it is a little tricky here, many of you have not sat in those seats, but you've got to press A, B, C, or D, and then Okay.
Pop-Up Bubble: Middle child
Regis: And he keeps forgetting to press the okay button, okay? But you've got it straight now, right Norm?
Norm: Yeah, I think things are gonna be a little different today.
Pop-Up Bubble: Psychologists say middle children tend to be competitive.
Regis: There's a threat if ever I've heard one.
Norm: But also other than pressing the okay button I'm having a problem, uh, putting them in the right order.

During Tyra Banks' turn to play; Regis was talking to her mother in the audience
Regis: So did you know your daughter was gonna become a star?
Tyra's Mother: Um, I thought she'd become a star behind the camera, that was her major.
Regis: Oh, no kidding?
Tyra's Mother: Film and television production.
Regis: What do you think Norm's chances are?

After the seventh Fastest Finger question
Regis: Norm, are you finished?
Norm: I thought it was like an ATM machine or something.
Regis: He's cute, isn't he?
Pop-Up Bubble: Millionaire's female staffers ranked Norm the second cutest celebrity--after Jon Stewart.

During Vivica A. Fox's turn to play; her question was "Which of the following phrases is used to mean a 'warning signal?' A. White horse B. Red flag C. Yellow ribbon D. Blue meanie;" Vivica didn't know the answer and Joy Behar and Norm weren't being as helpful as Tyra Banks, who had already played
Joy Behar: What am I gonna have is the point? I got nothing left but him.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm said he didn't want to help out the other celebrities.
Norm: Whoa, it's a horse, watch-ohhhh!
Regis: But, uh, thanks anyway Norm.

During Vivica A. Fox's turn to play, she had a question about how Huckleberry Finn sailed down the Mississippi; Norm mumbled something incoherent about a raft

After the ninth Fastest Finger question; Norm is the only contestant left after Joy Behar wins
Pop-Up Bubble: Joyless
Regis: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you saw all of those empty chairs, and now a moment of silence for Norm Macdonald. We love you Norm, and we'll be with you as soon as we c-as soon as we can.
Norm: All right.

During Joy Behar's turn to play; her question was "What three-digit exchange is most commonly used for fake telephone numbers mentioned on TV? A. 123 B. 404 C. 555 D. 227;" Joy didn't know the answer
Regis: Let's see if Norm has any help.
Joy Behar: I doubt it!
Norm: 555.
Pop-Up Bubble: 555-NORM
Joy Behar: You wanna help me, Norm?
Norm: 555.
Joy Behar: All right! Thank you, Norm.
Regis: Now wait a minute. Let's-let's not lose sight of the fact that it's still Norm telling you this.
Norm: Well let me, I'll tell you, I'll tell you why I know, 'cause one time, I was watching a movie and I thought, "hey, I'm gonna phone that dude up."

During Joy Behar's turn to play; Regis asked if Barbara Walters would be mad that it took her so long to get a Fastest Finger question right
Joy Behar: No, because she understands that that machine does not indicate your intelligence, your level of IQ. Right Norm?
Norm: Yeah. I'll tell you something though, Barbara Walters is gonna be mad at me, I'll be surprised if even-if I can even come home tonight.
Vivica A. Fox: Norm!
Regis: Well, bring us up to date the next time we see you, we'd like to know how that works out. Hard to imagine that but anything is possible today. Sure.

December 31, 2000

At the end of the fourth show; th- DELETED SECTION -introduction of the contestants
Regis: Last time Joy Behar didn't get a chance to finish playing and Norm Macdonald, our sleeping giant over there, still hasn't made it into the hot seat, so we're gonna continue.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm was an "oversleeping giant"--an assistant was sent to his hotel to wake him up.

During Joy Behar's turn to play; she explained that they still had the same clothes on because the show was taped the same day
Regis: Would have been nice if you and Norm would have changed shirts, but what the hell. How you feeling Norm, okay?
Norm: I'm feeling all right, you know, I'm, I'm good, uh. . . .
Joy Behar: Spit it out, Norm.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm was repeatedly asked to spit out his gum--he refused.
Norm: Aaaahh. I haven't got the fastest fingers, but they're smart.
Regis: Yeah. Norm's gonna get his chance. All of your fans have been waiting for you to get in there and they're gonna get their chance tonight.

During Norm's turn to play
Regis: And now Norm insisted on doing a Fastest Finger question. You better get it right, Norm.
Norm: Yes sir.
Regis: Okay, here is your own personal Fastest Finger question.
Pop-Up Bubble: The staff wrote Norm's Fastest Finger question on the spot.
Regis: Put the following letters in order to spell a popular man's name. N, O, R, M.
Pop-Up Bubble: This
Pop-Up Bubble: made
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm
Pop-Up Bubble: mad.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm was hoping for a legitimate question so he could prove his skill.
Regis: Okay Norm, time's up, let's see the answer in the correct order and see who got it right, in the fast- N, and an O, and an R, and an M, who got it in the fastest time? Norm Macdonald!
A screen showing Norm's time comes up; he answered the question in 5.02 seconds
Regis: Yay!
Regis Thought Bubble: "This shouldn't take very long at all!"
Regis: There he is! We'll be right back in a moment with Norm Macdonald.

After a commercial break
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm and Regis watched football games together during the breaks.
Regis: Finally he is here. Norm Macdonald. Norm Macdonald patiently waited all these nights to be with us, thank you Norm.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm didn't mind losing all of the Fastest Finger questions--he knew he'd get his chance.
Norm: Yeah. Yeah. It's exciting.
Regis: You and I are together Norm. Why don't we just take a little quiet time together.
Norm: All right!
Regis: Kinda check each other out.
Norm: Sure, man. You're a good looking man.
Regis: You're kind of attractive yourself.
Norm: All right. Well, why don't we leave?
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm brought his friend Brian Kaelin.
Regis: Hey, how about Norm's friend, in the companion seat right now, Kato Kaelin!
Pop-Up Bubble: a.k.a. "Kato"
Regis: Remember Kato? There he is.
Kato Kaelin: Good luck Norm.
Regis: How long have you known Kato?
Norm: Kato, I've known him about fifteen years.
Regis: How did you meet, Kato?
Kato Kaelin: Well first. . . .
Joy Behar: He lives at his house.
Kato Kaelin: Norm-Norm actually crashes on my couch.
Regis: Kato, you gotta get your own place.
Kato Kaelin: Got it now. Got it.
Regis: How did you meet Norm?
Kato Kaelin: Actually through sports, many years ago. Tennis. . . .
Regis: Up in Canada?
Kato Kaelin: Uh, tennis and golf.
Pop-Up Bubble: Kato was a stand-up comedian at the time.
Kato Kaelin: Oh, I've been around for a while there Regis, yeah.
Regis: I didn't know you played tennis and golf, too.


Norm: Ah, yeah.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm didn't mind the kidding--Regis is one of his idols.
Regis: All right Norm, let's go to work. You know the rules, you know the lifelines, let's do it, let's play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm said he didn't do well on Fastest Finger because he is a "poor typist."
Regis: $100. Inexperienced typists are said to use what technique when typing on a keyboard? Stop-and-go, Hunt-and-peck, Jolt-and-bolt, Crunch-and-munch.
Norm: Hunt, and, I wanna say peck.
Regis: Wrong!
Norm: What?
Regis: No, I'm kidding, I just wanted to see you jump.
Regis Thought Bubble: "I love doing that!"
Regis: Gotcha! The man says hunt and peck. Final answer, Norm?
Norm: Final answer.
Regis Yes! For $100, hunt and peck.
Norm: You know what? You know, if this was me, I'd keep going, but, uh. . . .
Regis: It's for charity.
Norm: And there's children.
Regis: The kids could use it.
Norm: Give me that $100.
Regis: You're kidding?
Norm: I'm dead serious, I gotta get going.
Pop-Up Bubble: The earliest a contestant has walked away: $4000
Regis: You've got it, baby.
Norm: No, I'll play, I'll play, I'll play.
Regis: 200. A majorette, a majorette would most likely carry which of the following, a majorette?
Norm: A major, haha.
Regis: Guitar, baton, hockey stick, crowbar.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm plays an ex-hockey player on his TV show.
Norm: Um, I guess a majorette would carry a, a baton.
Regis: Final?
Norm: Yeah, final answer.
Regis: That's what she would carry, a baton. Got that right, Norm. Dynamite so far. Kato's very proud of you.
Norm: Ah, he's a good man.
Regis: $300.
Norm: By the way, Kato and I, you know, we, I like the ladies, you know what I'm saying?
Regis: You and Kato like to. . . .
Norm: He's just a guy I know, that's all I'm trying to say.
Pop-Up Bubble: (Over Norm) Single
Pop-Up Bubble: (Over Kato Kaelin) Single
Regis: We all have our own thoughts about that. For $300 Norm, where does a rider normally put his feet while riding a saddled horse? In the bit, harness, stirrups, manure.
Norm: Well, I think it's the stirrups.
Regis: Final answer?
Norm: Yeah.
Regis: And it's a good one, the stirrups, 300. Norm Macdonald, up to $500. What part of the human body is often described as being "innie" or "outie?"
Norm: Oh my God, good Lord!
Regis: Your bellybutton, your earlobe, your nostril, your elbow.
Pop-Up Bubble: 20% of people are believed to have "outies."
Norm: Uh, bellybutton.
Regis: Final?
Norm: Answer. Is bellybutton.
Regis: Innie or outie, he got it right, what do you think of that? For $500.
Pop-Up Bubble (Over Norm) Innie
Regis: For 1000. If someone has a "six-figure income," what is the minimum amount that he makes in one year?
Joy Behar: Oh, this is a tough one for him.
Pop-Up Bubble: (Pointing to Joy Behar and Kato Kaelin) Innies
Regis: Norm!
Norm: What?
Regis: You-you got a minute?
Norm: It's a hundred thou, hundred thousand dollars.
Regis: $1000, $600,000, $1,000,000, $100,000.
Norm: Uh, $100,000.
Regis: Final? Hate to burden you with this, final?
Norm: Final answer!
Regis: Yes, got it for $1000.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm says he wasn't nervous at all sitting in the hot seat.
Regis: Norm Macdonald, getting cocky, let's face it, he's bored at this point, he's going for $2000. "Larry King Live" currently airs on what TV channel? MSNBC, CNN, ESPN, The WB.
Norm:Norm: Larry King? Just the, he does the News and Views column in, uh, USA Today, where he says the, you know, his opinions about stuff, and he'll say things like, uh, "Yellow is a great colour, but for my money, the best is blue!"
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm also does impressions of Bob Dole, Burt Reynolds, and David Letterman.
Regis: Little touch of Larry King here. $4000 Norm. What Alice Walker novel was made into a Steven Spielberg film? Amistad, Hook, The Color Purple, Beloved.
Norm: Well I think The Color Purple's the only one of those that she wrote.
Regis: Final?
Norm: I don't know, isn't anybody helping me out?
Joy Behar: That's it.
Regis: You're all by yourself, it's not fair.
Norm: The Color Purple! It's The Color Purple.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm didn't really want help--he wanted to experience the game as a "real" contestant.
Regis: Joy Behar's been back there saying nothing.
Joy Behar: I'm nodding!
Norm: It's The Color Purple!
Regis: He said Color Purple, final answer?
Norm: Final answer!
Regis: Got it for $4000! 8000. Which one of these ancient people built their cities in Mexico? The Hittites.
Norm: The Hittites.
Regis: The Philistines.
Norm: Philistines.
Regis: Aztecs.
Norm: Aztecs.
Regis: Or the Romans.
Norm: Well, it must be the Aztecs! These others are all like the ancient--the Aztecs! Isn't it?
Regis: I love the way you say that, the Aztecs!
Norm: Isn't it?
Regis: Final answer?
Norm: The Hittites? It's the Aztecs!
Regis: Final, final.
Norm: Final answer.
Regis: Yes, the Aztecs, come on, Norm Macdonald on a roll. Kato's very happy for you.
Norm: Kato's a good man.
Regis: He's thrilled.
Kato Kaelin: Because Joy has her hand on my lap.
Regis: Joy has her hand in Kato's lap, all right!
Pop-Up Bubble: Joy made a "naughty" joke here--it got cut out.
Regis: $16,000 this man is going for! Which one of the following foods is not a type of fish? Sorrel, scrod, sole, skate.
Norm: I guess sorrel.
Regis: Why do you--well why do you guess that?
Norm: Well, I mean, isn't sole, scrod, and skate all fish?
Regis: Final answer? He says yes, he's got it for 16.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm's favorite fish: halibut
Regis: Norm Macdonald. Wouldn't it be funny if Norm Macdonald won the million dollars?
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm was convinced he was going to win the million.
Regis: He's going for $32,000 right now. As seen in the 1996 movie "Fargo," a large statue of what folk hero stands in Brainerd, MN? Johnny Appleseed, Paul Bunyan, Lone Ranger, Crazy Horse.
Norm: Well, the only one that makes sense to me is Paul Bunyan.
Regis: So? Gonna make that our?
Pop-Up Bubble: Never saw Fargo
Kato Kaelin, Audience: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Regis: Final answer?
Norm: Why would Johnny Appleseed be in Minnesota, or, Crazy Horse?
Regis: Just say final answer, Norm.
Norm: Final answer.
Regis: There you go! And you're right!
Pop-Up Bubble: Joy was thrilled to be sitting next to Kato--she got a picture taken with him.
Regis: When we come back, Norm goes for $64,000.
Pop-Up Bubble: For her Christmas card.

After a commercial break
Pop-Up Bubble: Contestants are asked not to wear bright colors or checkered patterns. (Norm has a checkered shirt on).
Regis: Norm Macdonald has won $32,000.
Pop-Up Bubble: (Pointing to the T-shirt under Norm's shirt) Or whites.
Regis: Going for $64,000, and playing for the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp.
Norm: Yeah, it's the camp, that, I'd just like to say that I think this show is the greatest show ever on TV.
Pop-Up Bubble: This is the first game show Norm's been on.
Regis: All right, with that in mind, I want Norm Macdonald to win a million dollars and here we go for 64,000, let's play!
Pop-Up Bubble: He took it "very seriously."
Regis: In 1999, who raised more than $5 million for charity by auctioning off 100 of his guitars? Was it George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Eric Clapton.
Norm: Well I don't know anything about music, but I would imagine it would be a guitarist. Now I think I've seen pictures of Bob Dylan, uh, carrying a guitar, so I guess, um, you follow any of this new music?
Regis: Yeah, but, this was, uh, kind of a big story.
Norm: It was a big story in New York, was it?
Regis: Yeah.
Norm: New York City area?
Regis: Well all over the country.
Norm: Oh I see.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm said he was trying to "read" Regis for clues.
Regis: It was in all the papers.
Norm: All the papers, yeah, because a New York guy sold, yeah, was that the story? New York guy, guy that lived in New York?
Regis: Well, I don't know if he lived in New York, but. . . .
Norm: Born in, born in Canada?
Regis: He might have been.
Norm: I, I have to use a lifeline.
Regis: I think you should, really.
Norm: Now let me ask you this, 'cause I was considering doing this, could I ask only the members of the audience who for sure know the answer?
Regis: I think the whole audience will participate, they're all behind you, Norm.
Norm: I know, but I don't want the ones that don't know. I'm not gonna, I might not choose that lifeline though. But since they're all guitarists, and uh, I don't care for the rock and roll, I guess I don't know anything about this.
Pop-Up Bubble: Likes the country music
Norm: So I will, uh, you figure this is a big story that people would know, the general. . . .
Regis: I think this audience looks like a very, you know, hip audience, they'll know this.
Norm: All right, go ahead.
Regis: Okay, audience, we need your help for Norm. In 1999, who raised more than $5 million for charity by auctioning off 100 of his guitars? George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Eric Clapton.
Pop-Up Bubble: (Over Vivica A. Fox's husband Sixx-Nine) Doesn't get to vote
Pop-Up Bubble: (Over Joy Behar) Voted right
Regis: If you're ready, on your keypads, using A, B, C, or D, vote now.
Breakdown: A-9%, B-6%, C-0%, D-85%
Regis: 85% called it Eric Clapton.
Norm: That's what I was trying to get at with my New York thing. Oh well, I blew a lifeline. But, uh, the audience is smart, when it comes to guitars. I'll say D.
Regis: Make it your final answer?
Norm: Yeah.
Regis: And the audience is right!
Pop-Up Bubble: Regis' monitor often displays "frills"--interesting facts about the answer.
Regis: The guitar he used to record the entire Layla album sold for almost a half million dollars.
Norm: Oh, that's very UN-interesting.
Vivica A. Fox: Norm!
Regis: You're probably right. 125,000 Norm, four away from a million. Sailors in the Southern Hemisphere use what feature in the night sky to aid in navigation? Carpenter's square, Southern cross, Southern lights, Betelgeuse.
Norm: Southern cross.
Regis: Are you making that your final answer or are you just musing?
Norm: Oh, no, no, I believe, well now you're making me second guess it. Wouldn't it be the southern cross?
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm said it was impossible to tell if Regis knew the answer.
Regis: Well it's up to you Norm, if you'd like it to be the southern cross, we can make it your final answer, and. . . .
Norm: Well was just an off-hand remark or you really meant it.
Norm: I don't know if this was on camera, but this is what happened, I go, "I think it's the southern cross," and I looked over here and like (grits his teeth and makes a scary face).
Regis: I would never do that because I don't know what the answer is.
Norm: I'll use my phone-a-friend.
Regis: Who do you wanna call? You got an astronomy buff there?
Norm: No, I have a friend though!
Regis: Better than nothing.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have one friend, so let's phone him up, uh, his name's Sam Simon.
Pop-Up Bubble: Sam was Drew Carey's phone-a-friend twice before--he was right both times.
Regis: Sam Simon? All right, our friends at AT&T will get Sam on the line for us.
Pop-Up Bubble: It was rumored Sam had a "crazy genius" in the room to help him answer questions.
Pop-Up Bubble: Sam says he has many "smart friends"--but he didn't need help answering this question.
Sam Simon: Hello?
Regis: Sam?
Sam Simon: Yes?
Regis: Regis Philbin again calling from New York, how are you?
Sam Simon: Good Regis, how are you doing?
Regis: We just talked with you, uh, about, uh, Drew Carey's question.
Sam Simon: Yeah.
Regis: And you popped up again on, uh, Norm's, uh, list.
Sam Simon: That's right.
Regis: All right, so he's gonna read you the question, four answers, let's see if you can do him some good, okay?
Sam Simon: Okay, great.
Regis: All right Norm, all yours, thirty seconds, right now.
Norm: Sailors in the Southern Hemisphere use what feature in the night sky to aid in navigation? Carpenter's square, Southern cross, Southern lights, Betelgeuse.
Sam Simon: The answer is, uh, B, southern cross, and I'm 100% sure.
Norm: Yeah, so was I. Lotta good these lifelines are doing me.
Regis: Thanks Sam.
Sam Simon: Okay, bye.
Regis: See, there you go, you doubted yourself, you could have saved that lifeline. How you gonna win a million dollars with one lifeline?
Norm: I'm not, now! That dream's as good as dead.
Pop-Up Bubble: Sam also thought Norm wasted him as a lifeline.
Norm: Southern cross.
Regis: Make me so angry. Southern cross.
Norm: Final answer.
Regis: Final answer he said, of course! It's the southern cross.
Pop-Up Bubble: Regis has said he'd make Norm one of his phone-a-friends.
Regis: Okay. You have one lifeline left, you're going for a quarter million dollars, all right? Here it is. The Reina Sofia Art Center is located in what European city? Madrid, Lisbon, Rome, Vienna.
Pop-Up Bubble: Doesn't travel much
Norm: Where's Madrid, Spain?
Regis: Madrid is in Spain.
Norm: Well, I think it would be Madrid.
Regis: Why do you think it's Madrid?
Norm: Let me ask you something, if I bet--say, "hey, I think it's either Madrid or Lisbon" and then the 50/50 comes up, it's not gonna say Madrid and Lisbon, is it?
Regis: You don't know.
Pop-Up Bubble: The show's executive producer calls 50/50 the most "useful" lifeline.
Regis: But it may not be the two that you're thinking.
Norm: Okay. But there's not a dude in the back going like. . . .
Regis: Nooooo, no. These are locked in. These have been locked in for months.
Norm: 50/50.
Regis: Let's do it. Computer, take away two of those wrong answers.
50/50 leaves Madrid and Lisbon; Norm gasps
Pop-Up Bubble: 50/50 isn't random--two answers are chosen when a question is written.
Regis: I swear to you. No, no, no, no. I give you my word as your best friend next to Kato Kaelin that that's not fixed and set. But isn't that amazing? That you said Madrid, you see, your - DELETED SECTION - the million.
Norm: I know, I know.
Regis: You ready, big guy?
Norm: I'm ready, sure.
Regis: Let's do it, for a half million dollars! What Broadway musical. . . .
Norm: Oh my God!
Regis: Features material written by Samuel Beckett and John Lennon? Hair, Godspell, Cabaret, Oh! Calcutta! Now Norm, look, you're gonna lose 218 if you don't-if you don't get it right. No lifelines, you leave with 32,000. You got 250. 500 if you get this.
Norm: Well, I, I'm not gay so I don't know that much about Broadway musicals.
Pop-Up Bubble: Single
Norm: And, and I've been told I can't ask you a question, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do here.
Regis: That's more than we really wanted to know.
Norm: Now I know, I don't know anything about John Lennon 'cause he's a singer, but I am very familiar with Samuel Beckett.
Pop-Up Bubble: Samuel Beckett: Irish playwright and author (1906-1989)
Norm: But he didn't write any of this stuff, so what am I supposed to. . . .
Regis: Maybe it's time to say good night Norm.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm's phone-a-friend Sam Simon knew the answer.
Regis: He's hanging in there! Some material written by Samuel Beckett might be involved in one of these shows.
Norm: It might be, I've never seen any of them.
Regis: You've never seen any of these shows? How, how in the world are you going to get this?
Norm: I know, I remember somebody told me Oh! Calcutta! was dirty, dirty, dirty. Like it had naked, dirty people.
Regis: Yeah? So, what does that mean?
Norm: Well, I'm thinking it may be Oh! Calcutta! because it takes place in India and it's sort of a dark subject, maybe have something to do with Beckett.
Pop-Up Bubble: Once a contestant says "final answer" Regis has to accept it.
Norm: Oh! Calcutta!, final answer.
Regis: No! He just got it for a half million dollars!
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm said "final answer" quickly so Regis couldn't talk him out of it.
Regis: You are absolutely amazing, I gotta tell you that. I'm really proud of you.
Norm: But I wrecked those lifelines, I wish I had 'em.
Regis: Well they're all gone now, but look, you won a half million dollars. You tied Drew Carey and Rosie O'Donnell. Now let's, let's look at it for a million, okay? This question, can you believe it baby, a million dollars.
Pop-Up Bubble: No contestant has ever gotten the $1,000,000 question wrong.
Norm: Yeah.
Regis: Gonna be yours.
Norm: Me?
Regis: Here it comes. For the kids. For the kids. During the Cold War, the U.S. government built a bunker to house Congress under what golf resort? The Breakers, The Greenbrier, Pinehurst, The Broadmoor.
Pop-Up Bubble: Sam Simon knew the answer to this one too.
Norm: I mean they always say don't go with the obvious one, right, that's what somebody told me backstage.
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm vaguely remembered seeing a piece about this on 60 Minutes.
Norm: See here's the problem, let's say I lose all that money, and it gets back to Paul Newman.
Regis: That's gonna be a problem.
Norm: I'd look like a. . . .
Regis: You'd lose $468,000.
Norm: I wouldn't lose it, the children would lose it.
Regis: Of course, the children would lose it. But you would lose it for the children. You don't want to do that, do you?
Norm: I don't know, man, it seems so. . . .
Regis: You got a gambling streak, don't you? You wanna see if you can beat the game, don't you? You wanna win a million dollars, don't you?
Pop-Up Bubble: Norm's an avid golfer--but he's never played any of these courses.
Norm: Well. I'm gonna say Pine, um. . . .
Regis: You're gonna say what?
Norm: I was thinking of P Okay, give me the half, forget it, I'll just, give me the half a million dollars.
Regis: All right, what do you think, take a guess.
Norm: I have no idea, I said my guesses, I guess it was wrong, it must be one of those others.
Regis: Did you say Greenbrier?
Norm: Yeah.
Regis: Yeah, you would have won a million.
Norm: Oh my God!
Regis: 500,000. Come on, be happy. You were great, Norm. You were just terrific.
Pop-Up Bubble: Paul Newman was happy--he later called Norm to say thanks.
Regis: Yep. You were fabulous, I'm not kidding you.

Provided and transcribed by Liddy.
Destroyed by a Dell Dimension Desktop