Ontario Mills Improv
JULY 26th, 2002

The "Baretta" Case

Thanks, hey, ah man…the show has been good so far, eh? So ah, hopefully I’m good too.

Sometimes I get nervous when other guys are strong. You know? I like, ah, a guy- the guys before me to suck. And then I get confident you know? And then if I'm standing back there and everybody's getting laughs. I'm like goddamn. I get nervous, you know? It makes me nervous. It's good for you guys… but it's bad for me.

So ah, I'm not doing much. I'm ahhh... I’s just, ah… not doin’ nothin’.

I got nothing to- now- [struggles with the positioning of the microphone cord]

I'm bad with mike management. [laughs] I'm bad at a lot of stuff. But ah, anyways, I’m, ah, watch the TV a lot. That's not much new. Ah, everybody watches the TV, I guess.

But ah, I'm, ah, very interested in the Robert Blake case. You know? That’s my favorite thing. ‘Cause, when I was a kid, I loved Beretta! That was my favorite show! Wasn’t that a great show? Goddamn that was a good show.

And I always thought, I said, that- I hope that fucker gets back on the TV. So now he's back. We get to see him. And ah, I think he's innocent, myself, you know. Ah, I think he's completely innocent. And ah, I have good reason, I've figured it out. This is why I believe that Barretta is innocent. Because, for this reason, Barretta is a white guy... and I... am also a white guy.

So to me it goes to figure… I go, that guy's flesh is the same color as mine... I've never killed nobody. I think that's as good a way as any to form an opinion.

Because the OJ, you know, that's how.... everybody formed their opinion, right? I thought he was guilty because I'm a white guy. Black guys thought he was innocent. It makes sense.

So, but, it was bad, though because it caused a racial divide in the country. I read that, once, in the paper.

So it caused a racial divide in the country, and- which is a bad thing. You know? And so I say, ah, let’s let Barretta off, call if even. Fuck it. That makes sense, right?

Then we close that divide, and then everybody'll like each other like the old days.

But, um… goddamn I love Barretta. And also, think of all the joy Barretta’s given us.

I just, I'm on his side, because, that um... woman he killed, goddamn! Shouldn't that come into play at all, who you kill? Shouldn't the guy be able to say, "One thing, here's who he killed.”? You're not allowed to do that, everybody's the same, apparently. You kill the president or some whore that's fucking a hundred guys and wants to steal your kid, it's the same crime.

But, I hope he gets off. He’s ah- he seems like a nice guy. And ah- does not have the strongest of alibis, I'll say that. I've never heard, actually, a weaker alibi, than the one, ah, Robert Blake has, which appears to me to be this...

He’s like, “That couldn't have been me. I couldn't have shot my wife. I have an airtight alibi."

“What is it?”

"I was getting my gun! … I have a restaurant full of witnesses that saw me getting my gun. I forgot- I got my gun, went back to the remote wooded area I left my wife at, and somebody shot her. Certainly wasn't me, I was getting the gun at the time. Doesn't make any sense.”

So I’m sure he’s wishing he’d forgotten anything else at that fuckin’ restaurant. I don't know how you forget the gun.

The Tragic Events of September “Fifteenth?”

But ah, you know, the good thing is, that it takes my mind off the horrific events that happened the last September the fifteenth when everything went to…

Because, this Robert Blake thing, I don't give a fuck one way or the other. I just like watching it. Where as the September fifteenth thing [these are not typos], woah, that- that’s scary. That was when it came- that is when it actually- that’s the first time I watched something and got scared, on the news. You know? Because, ah, it happened right here. You know what I mean? and ah- ah. I- I think we all remember where we were when we first heard about it. We where… watching the TV. … That's not much of a story but that's what we'll be telling our grandkids.

You’re sayin’, “I remember, yes, I was watching the TV and then I was switching the channels and it was on all the channels!”

But it was scary. You didn’t know what to do. You remember that? You’re just, ah, for four five days you’re just, “What the fuck am I supposed to do? Is it all right to go down to K-Mart? I don’t know.” You didn't know what to do... you go- you're just all in shock and everything.

And you go, “What do I? I’m all freaked out.” And then you figure it out. You go, “Hey! I figured it out! I know what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna buy a flag!” You figure it out. You know? “Fuck it. I- Imma get me two, three flags. Put one in my house. Let them try that horseshit again. Let them try that shit now! I got me a flag!”

Also it shows which side of the issue you stand on. Yeah. So people know now, where I stand on this whole fucking thing. I am for the building full of people... and I'm against the plane with the insane people on it. This flag will show people that.

Well, I tell you man, if any fucking Arab mother fucker ever came at me with a bunch of goddamn dynamite on him, first thing I'd do is throw away the fucking flag. I'd go, “I don't know where the fuck that come from. That's not my flag. I usually tote around a Arab flag, to tell you the truth!”

Anything to live, you know? Not dying, that's what I'm going for. I wanna not die. [laughs]

That was the scariest part of nine-eleven, ah- ah, because it was you. You're, "Goddamn. I- I- I- What the hell? I could die. ‘Cause, ah. Where did it happen? Here? I live here." You know? Because, in the other, it’s- usually it's another place, you know, and you don't give a fuck. But, you know, like for years I’ve been watching the TV and I'll turn it on and it'll be like, "Today in Rwanda, three hundred thousand people where--" CLICK. ... I'm gonna watch Matlock or something.

I miss Matlock man, that guy was... He should defend Robert Blake. Why the hell can't he get back on the TV? I have to watch crazy young people.

But that nine-fifteen, man, that was some scary shit. Because, also, I think it scared us because it- it introduced new ways that we could die. You know, and you don’t want to hear that. There's enough ways to die. When, ah, when they come up with new ones, that's a scary fucking thing. You know?

You go, “How's that work again? Now, I could be in my office, ah, typing on my typewriter, and an airplane can hit me? I never heard that one.”

They go “Yeah, they just came up with that last month. That's a new one, they figured it out.”

“Goddamn, I didn't know that one. I got a typewriter there.”

And then right after that, all kinds of new ways, they tell you every goddamn day a new way to die. They say like, “Hey, ah, anthrax, you heard about that?”

I said, “I don’t know, I thought it was about cows or something.”

“No, no anthrax, that- you can die, it's a new way for you to die!”

You go, “How's that work?”

They go, “Well have you ever, ah, opened an… envelope?”

“Yeah, I've been known to open an envelope.”

“Well, you're in a high risk group then! You could die from that! They just came out- that's the new thing.”

Crazy shit. Smallpox, I said, fuck you can't die- I know you can't die from Smallpox. They eradicated that fifty years ago. No, guy kept a bottle. He kept a bottle and then he- and then he lost it. Goddamn, why would you keep a bottle of fucking smallpox?

You go, “All right, we got it eradicated, only this one bottle left. Let’s flush it down the toilet, and then there'll be one less fucking way for us to die… Hey, or I can keep it! Put it on the end table and impress girls with it. Scare people, hey look at that!” And then one day it's like, "Where the fuck's that bottle of smallpox? I misplaced it, goddamn I know I had it. And then I had that party for all them Arabs… and now I can't find it!" [laughs]

I went to a fucking airport and they wanted to search me. I said, "I'm not a fucking Arab! What the fuck are you talking about?"

So I showed the guy my- my- my pa- my passport. A non-Arab passport. I go, “That’s me. I’m not the Arab. I'm the guy the Arab could kill.” He wanted to search me.

Natural Causes

But, um, I don't know man. That's not what's gonna probably kill you anyways. You should, you know, ‘cause, you remember for a while it was kinda- that’s kinda a fun way of to think about dying when you think about it. ‘Cause really an Arab's probably not gonna kill you. You know what I mean? You're probably, the end of your life is not gonna be a crazy Arab comin' at ya, with bombs all over him. Ah, you're more likely to, like, get attacked by like, you know, your own… heart.

Something you'd never suspect, you know what I mean? You're always suspicious of Arabs, right? And you’re never like, “Goddamn heart! [Points to his own heart] Keep my eye on you mother fucker!”

And that's what gets you, you fucking least suspect it, your own heart attacks you, and kills you! It's the weirdest fucking thing. You think your heart was your buddy. But nahhh… he just sits in your fucking chest cavity, waiting, waiting to attack you.

It attacked my dad. Not my heart, but his own heart. Killed him. Killed him dead. And ah, I remember it, you know, as if it was yesterday, it was the day before yesterday. He- he like, “ah!”. No, it was like- it was like two years ago. But it was my dad. What the fuck?

So, his heart, "ah!" it got him, "ah ha!". Blood came out, of his mouth, on the carpet. I remember seeing it, holy god, it was frightening. You know? And ah, and the doctor he tried to make me feel better, doctors just bullshit you, trying to- you know what I mean?

He’s like, "He never felt a thing!"

I’m like, “Really? Goddamn. With the blood… And, out of his…”

“Yeah, no no, he- he died in his sleep.”

And I said, “I think something like that'll wake you up, doc.” That's a… Like, I wake up when my cat, like, walks across my belly. You know what I mean? Let alone my own heart attacking me. That’ll wake you up.

And then my uncle, he had the cancer. That's what everybody gets. You either get the heart killing you or cancer. Ah, there's very few other ways to die. [laughs] Or maybe an Arab’ll get ya, or maybe you fall off a big long tall thing. But, everything other than heart and the cancer is a freak accident. You know what I mean? Natural causes, that’s just two things.

And my uncle, man, he died. He had a long battle with the bowel cancer. And ah, yeah, ohhh man. Yeah. I don't know why they call it a battle, because he didn't do a fucking thing. An old man can't just die anymore, you know, they gotta make it a battle. You know, for ratings or something? You know?

But, my mom said, “Oh, you gotta see my uncle Phil. He’s battling. He’s brave. He’s a brave-“

I said, “Uncle Phil? I always thought of him as like a coward.”

“No, no, he's having a brave battle with cancer!”

So then, I went to look, I love my uncle Phil, and ah- to be honest with you, I like battles! So I went down to the… I went down to the hospital. And this was the battle that was taking place. It was my uncle Phil lying on the bed with a thing hooked into his arm and he was watching Barney Miller.

That was the big… Ali - Fraser Three. You know? The big battle.

See, I think an old man should just be allowed to die. And not have to battle a fucking black thing inside his bowel. I don't know how- how I- how I would even start battling that. Like, "ahhhhhh! I'll get ya!"

Can't a guy just die? ‘Cause the problem with the battle is... you loose sometimes. And you- you don't want that to be the last thing you do in life... loose.

You go, “hey, how’s your uncle Phil’s bat-“

“He lost!”

“I heard your dad won his battle.”

“Yeah.”

“Well my uncle Phil is, ah, kind of a loser, he lost. Cancer won.”

Plus, I don't know how cancer wins, ‘cause, if my uncle Phil dies, the fuckin' cancer dies. That's a draw, that's ah- ah... you know? It's not like the cancer gets up, "Ahhhh! I won! ahhh! I’m gonna take that guy’s job, fuck his wife! That’s right, I beat uncle Phil!"

That's no battle, that's just a weird thing inside your belly.

The Regular Doctors

I try to- all you can do not to, you know, you can’t- you're gonna die, probably, I'm trying not to. But I've got a long- My dad died, and my grandfather died, my great grandfather died, my grand- the guy before him. Long line of- of death in my family. So, a lot of it's genetic- a lot of it's hereditary. You know? With the death. But I hope to someday not die. I probably will not achieve it, but I hope to.

But um, but um, I ah, the only thing you can do to kinda- because a doctor- this is the thing. A doctor will not give you, ah, good news. You know what I mean? He can only not give you bad news. You know what I'm saying to you? Like, you’d never go to your doctor, you’ll never hear this…

The guy’ll go, “Hey! Mr. Johnson, the results from your bloodwork came back, and good news, sir, you're immortal! … It says it here on the thing.”

No, all they can do is go, "We checked, yeah, everything’s fine. You’re in perfect shape. I have no bad news to tell you... yet. But you keep coming back… and one day I'll have some news for you that will shatter your brain like a.... piece of.... crystal.” Or? [laughs]

So, you know, you gotta get early detection. And I used to go to the regular doctors, and they’re no fucking good. Them, the- the GP’s, MD’s, whatever the fucking letters they like to… They've got nothing to tell you at all. You know- you know what they try to, everything you tell them they try to, “ohhhh, it’s nothing.” Right?

Like I had a back pain. I figure, 'spinal cancer' you know what I mean? It's as good as guess as any. I go, ah, I go doc, I go, “Hey, I think I got the spinal cancer.”

He goes, “Why?”

I go, “Because I got this pain in my back.”

He goes, "Stretch!” He goes, "You should stretch!” That's his fucking thing. Like that would help against spinal cancer. Right?

So I said, listen, I said give me a complete physical. So this is what a doctor- if you ask for a complete physical from an MD this is what they do. First they'll take your blood pressure for the five hundredth time in your fucking life. And they go, [blows] and then they go, “all right here, well, you're 130 over 90.”

And you go, “Yeah? What’s that mean?”

And he goes, “I don’t know… It's just a thing I do. Force of habit at this point. … Now I'll be hitting your knee with a hammer!”

That's- that’s what they like to do from the 14th century. I don’t know what the fuck, they take a big cartoon ha- they fuckin’ hit your knee, so of course your leg’s like, “Holy fuck!”

Then the guy goes, "Good, excellent. That's exactly what your leg should do when- when I strike you in the knee with a hammer. Good- good job. … Your leg is not paralyzed. That's- that’s an excellent start."

And then that's all he does. Sometimes he pokes me. That's his way of looking for tumors. He goes like this. [jabs at his own belly] Like a guy can fuckin’- cancer’s not that fucking stupid!

“It’ll be right up here. Oh here it is! You got a cancer right here! Right…”

The Specialists

So I go to the specialist, man, they're the guys. I go- and the best specialist of all, if you're worried about the cancer, you go to the ass doctor. That guy, is the best doctor for the cancer.

Because cancer is not stupid, cancer, that’s- you know, it goes and hides up your ass. Where else would it hide? That's where you hide everything, up your fucking ass. You got drugs, hide ‘em up your ass. Diamonds, cancer… go right up your ass, hide up there. They go, "Nobody's gonna look up this guy's fucking ass. We'll start there and then, you know..."

But they don't figure on, the ass doctor, you know. Thank God for him.

At first, ah, when I first, uhh, I was a little suspicious of the ass doctor 'cause, I was a little warry, you know, 'cause I thought, you know, in medical school, there always comes a time when you have to choose your discipline. So, this guy chose "ass doctor." It's a little odd, you know, it's not, uh.

Like the professor was like, "All right, kids, this is the time we choose our discipline. We've already done the, ah- the first part. NOW! We could - Oh, there's many disciplines. I'm gonna explain it to you now.”

"Hey, what about the brain surgeon, uh? That's like the smartest guy in the world they think of. They say sometimes, 'Hey, that guy's a brain surgeon!' Think of the- the- the quality of life you'd have. The money you'd make. Hey, you cut op-."

Then the guy's like, "Excuse me."

"Yeah, what do you want, Jeremy?"

"Does that involve a guy's ass?"

"No, that's his brain."

"All right. PASS!"

"All right, then. Well, then there's the heart surgeon. Ahh, there's the Cadillac of the doctors, there. The heart surgeon. Why, for centuries, you know, the poets have likened the heart to the very soul itself. Imagine the godlike power, if you will, children, when you slice open a man's cavity of his chest, you pull from him his still-beating-"

"Excuse me, does that involve a shit-encrusted ass?"

"No, we're talking about a guy's-"

"NEEEXT! …All right, move it along, here. Ah! Be peering into a guys ass, is there any such job as a doctor?"

So I was a little war- j- just a little bit wary. And I also know that there's no lady ass doctors, which makes me w-. 'Cause I looked for one in the Yellow Pages. I thought "Why not?" Right? I gotta go to an ass doctor. I'd like to get me a nice looking lady ass doctor. But they don't exist. You can't find one.

And they'd do a good business too, man. I'd go to them every goddamn day. I'd be- I'd be, "Hey, I think there's something wrong with my ass again. I know I's just here yesterday, but, who knows what can happen in a day?”

"Maybe you should play around with my ass. Like- like finger in my ass and look in it. Maybe you'd find something. Would you like to- care to do that? Would that be all right?"

Imagine that? And then you get- and then you're covered, as well. For a lady playing with your ass.

They- they find stuff up there, man, I tell you. I've been to- I was twice I had the- this thing the colonostopy. They go up your ass with a telescope. Big goddamn thing. I always used to think, "I could never, uh, have a guy fuck me in the ass." Now I know I easily could!

Long as the guy had the right drugs to give me. Because this is much is much bigger than a guy's cock, uh. Waaay up, you know, and, uuh.

And they find stuff, too. Always find something. I'll tell you that. You gotta go if you're an old guy like me. I'm almost forty. Ah, you gotta go 'cause the, I swear to god- I've been twice. Both times they found something. Like, they call ‘em polyps. And then the- later they are- you know what they are? They’re a dirty cancer.

So they, they cut 'em out and then, you know, I'll slip the guy a couple o' bucks on the way out. You gotta tip your ass doctor. That wha- So he doesn't do a sloppy job the next time, you know what I mean? You don't want the guy going "Eeh, it's that cheap mother fucker! I'm not gonna cut that one out. I'll leave that in. … Fuck him."

So, I always give him a nice gratuity. Fifteen percent.

[long pause]

I don't know, I-

[Guy in audience says something]

What's that?

Guy in audience: "Note to Self"

"Note to self." Yeah, that's right. See, I can't think of one. "Note to self." I remember that…Y'got me off my track, man. I can't think.

That’s Not a Disease

But, I am afraid of disease, y'know? I'm afraid of a lotta stuff? My buddy, he came to me, he had- he told me, he was- scared the fuck out of me, he's my best friend, right?

He goes, "Hey man," he goes, "I got ah, I got a… a disease!"

I said, "Oh, goddamn, sorry to hear that." I said "What is it?"

He said, "I'm a… I'm an alcoholic!"

So I said, "Ahh ha… tough one."

I though he was gonna say bowel cancer or somethin'! But it was… it was alcoholism. And it's, you know, when you think about it, you know, as diseases go… that's pretty well the best one to have. It's the only one where you get to drink a lot of booze! As a matter of fact, that's the main symptom of the disease: drinkin' booze. So, I dunno if that's a disease. Like would a guy like that ever go up to a guy with bowel cancer and go, "Hey! I hear ya got bowel cancer, I know how ya feel. I like to drink a lot of booze! It's terrible havin' a disease, right? Terrible! What's yours like, what are your symptoms?"

"Well, I ah, I, my bowel hurts a lot. And I bleed form the bowel, got a lotta bowel blood all the time. What about you?"

"Me? I get happy. … And I talk to people easier. Sometimes I'll meet a girl who's diseased too, and I'll fuck her! That's the worst part of the disease." [laughs]

So, sure it's a bad thing, but a fuckin' disease?! I don't think it's- anything's a disease when the cure is: stop doing it!

That’s- that’s why people come into the doctor, “Hey doc, I’ve got a terrible disease.”

“What is it?”

“Well, I stick my hand right down my throat till I puke!”

The doctor’s like, “Ah, well, let me figure that out. Let me- there must be some cure to that disease. We’ve done extensive research, filed millions of dollars into it. I’ll just write you this prescription… ‘Don’t Do That!’”

The guy with the bowel cancer, he ain’t got that… choice. [laughs]

Alcholics Anonymous

But ah, my buddy goes to alcoholics anonymous, which is an odd name, for me, because he told me when he goes there he goes in front of a bunch of people and tells them he’s an alcoholic. Which doesn’t sound that anonymous.

To me, the anonymous ones are the guys at the bar… drinking! You can’t- you can’t pick those guys out. But, once you go in front of a room full of people and tell them, the jig’s up, you know what I mean? Your cover’s blown at that point.

That’s not anonymous. The only thing that’s anonymous about it is their last name. Like they’ll say, “I am Jim W.” And then they’ll tell you the worst mother fucking things ever. They’ll go, “My name”- But they wont tell you their last name, they’re anonymous about that!

But they’ll go, “I am Jim W. and I’m an alcoholic. Oh my god, I did terrible things. I- I- Oh, I beat up my family. I the- I’m fuelled by the demon rum. I would use my- my fists as weapons against my own children. Just beat them and beat them - I’m not telling you my last name!”

“Just beat the shit out of them! - My last name is a secret!”

“One time I blew a guy for a half pint of scotch. - It starts with ‘W’! That’s all I’m telling! That’s the last- that’s the last clue I’m giving!”

They should wear like a ma- like a fucking Bugs Bunny mask or something.

Substance Abuse

But um, I don’t know. I don’t drink, myself. I ah- haven’t drank. Because I ah- ah- I’m afraid of everything. You know? So, now, when I was young. I did everything. I didn’t give a fuck because I didn’t think I could die.

And ah, I would do any- oh my god. People would just hand me shit and I would do it. Just a bunch of pills… [makes growling/eating noises] Especially pills, I always thought they where safe… because they came from the pharmacy. I don’t like that shit that some guy makes in his trailer, and then blows up the trailer. I don’t- I don’t go near that. But pills, they’ve got like a name on them.

But I’d eat a bunch and then my heart’d start racin’. Ah, I’d go, “Hey,” I’d be happy. “Hey, fuckin’ three hundred a minute, that’s good!” I didn’t know that my heart could attack me, at that time. I thought it was my friend that I could fuck around with. Make it go fast!

But I don’t drink now, at all. And I’ll tell you an odd thing about alcoholics. I’ll go to parties where everybody’s fucking drinking, right? And they go, “Hey, you want to drink?”

I go, “No man, I don’t drink.”

They go, “Oh, you an alcoholic?”

I go, “No, I’m not. I don’t drink! … You mother fuckers are all drinkin’ and you’re asking me if I’m an alcoholic? What kind of crazy shit is that?”

Fucking

But I don’t do anything because I’m just afraid. Afraid of everything. I don’t like it. Afraid to-

And I’ll tell you one thing about being an alcoholic, ah- ah, bein’ drinking, not just an alcoholic, but drinking. You end up fucking more. Because it- it takes away the dirty shame of sex. Because you’re all drunk, you know, and the girl’s drunk. And- and you don’t know you’re like, “ahhhhh!” [makes weird sexual noises]

But, if you're not drunk, if you're straight and sober, oh man, that's a shameful thing. You can’t get around it, it’s a dirty, shameful act. That, you know, it should only probably be for chil- childbirth, you know, in- in reality. You should probably only fuck, ah, three times, if you want to have three kids.

And that’s why, ah, the other times we fuck, we’re ashamed. And people are ashamed. I don’t give a fuck what anybody says. But they are- nobody proud of fucking. Because I've lived a long live, and I’ve walked down the street, never saw two people fucking. … Never. Not in my whole life.

If you want to fuck, you fuck inside your house. And lock your doors, and draw your shades. That’s something you do when you’re ashamed! When you’re, laundering money, or counterfeiting, or… fucking. Or something like that.

You don't draw your shades to mak- bake a nice pumpkin pie for the neighbors. No, that’s not an activity that demands shade drawing.

Fucking, there’s- you- I- you, you always pretend like you’re not fucking, in regular life. You’re like, “Hey, what’s going on? I’m just a regular person.”

And then, you get behind your closed doors and become a crazy monster. You know? You go, like, “ahhhhh!” You’re doin’ all that shit you’d never do in real life. Right? Like, [more weird sexual noises].

Fuckin' crazy. Then right after you're like, “[nervous laugh] That was odd, huh? [nervous laugh] I guess I’ll go make a cheese sandwich now. … Sorry about that.”
She goes, “Don't you- Don’t you want to eat my ass?”

You go, “Oh no! That's all right. No, that doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore. Earlier it seemed like a great idea. But now, it’s- no… it’s the opposite. I’m gonna go… get my cheese sandwich.”

That's why I could never, with sex, get into weird sex, like dressing up and all that shit. Like some people, you know, dress up in crazy leather suits and… whip each other’s fucking balls, or whatever.

I can't do any of that shit, because, at the end of it, it's the same fucking thing. You’re still like, “[nervous laugh]” But now you got a crazy getup on. You’re like- you’re like, “Ah, alright. I’ll get out of my ?????.” Try to make small talk, “I’ll get my cheese sandwich.”

“There’s a laundry here, and you can put your”- ... outrageous.

Good In The Sack

But ah- but some people don't share my shame. But some people, actually, tell me they're proud. I- I always find it odd when people brag about sex. ‘Cause it’s such a, fucking, elemental thing. Like- how- you know, I've heard guys go, "I'll tell you man, I'm good in the sack. I’m good at… sex. Bed- in the bed. I’m good!”

You know, I mean, it's just fucking. How hard can it be? There's like four things you can do. You got this, and there, and… [acts out a few sexual positions] It’s not like- it’s not like darts or something like that. If somebody tells me they’re good at darts, that’s the- I go, “Oh, goddamn, that’s hard. That’s…”

Fuckin’, I mean, I saw two squirrels fuck once, you know what I mean? How hard can that be, if a squirrel can do it, right? Like if I saw a squirrel playing darts I'd be, “Goddamn. Oh!” That’s what would fuckin’ impress me, you know?

People always want, I guess guys more than girls. They always want to, “Oh, goddamn. I’m good in the-“

Guys with small cocks always say that. Right? They’re always like- [laughs] they're always like, "It doesn't matter how big your cock is. It's what you do with it!"

You know, like the guy with the big cock has no clue, you know? Like the guy with the giant cock, he doesn’t know. He’s like, “What the hell, you put it here? I can’t- I’m stumped, I don’t know. You got me. I can't do that. … If only it where smaller and easier to maneuver, perhaps I could… perhaps I could do something with it. Not with this giant thing. … No girl would ever want that!"

Pride

But, it's, ah- to me, it's crazy shit to be proud of. You should be proud of what you do, how you handle- you know, deal with people, if you’re kind. And stuff like that. But, you know, I guess our, ah, ah, what do you call it? Culture? I don’t know. … That’s a word right, ‘culture’? I never said that, “in our culture” before. So sometimes you just say, ah- a thing and you go, “I don’t even know hardly what that means.”

But, my point is this: That, I think that it's weird to be proud. And this is the oddest, gay people are actually so fucking proud of what they like to fuck, that… they will have a parade!

You know, when I was a kid, I remember having a parade for Neil Armstrong. Right? I remember, that was a big thing when I was a little boy. And this mother fucker walked on the moon, and they give him a parade. And now, I'm supposed to be throwing confetti off a building ‘cause a guy can suck a cock.

What kind of accomplishment is that? He's doing it because he wants to! He’s- you know?

But, I don’t know. I- I’ll tell you one thing, I saw a gay pride parade, I was kinda touched. Because what's very touching about those things is when the parents of the gay children are out there supporting their children. Because it’s, you know, very hard, especially for people of that generation, to accept a ch- a gay child. Some of these guys are sixty years old, you know?

But anyways it was the parents and they’re holding up banners. And they’re kinda, ah, a little moving to see, you know? Something like that, ‘cause, ah- And they had, ah, banners that said, “I am proud that my son is gay.” And ah, you could see, that- sometimes, ah, the mothers would be a little bit more proud. You know?

Like some of the guys, I swear to god I saw this one guy you could tell he probably served in Korea, or something like that. He never thought he’d be in this fucking parade. But- “god bless, doin’ his best.” You know?

But, you know, I- I don't think- I think he- you gotta accept you child and love 'em, but "proud" - that's a different word.

I don't know how many guys are braggin' at the office about this, uhh... you know, beaming with- go, "Hey! Bill! Oh, you ever- ever tell you about my son Bill? Goddamn, we're proud of him. Oh, Bill's a good boy. He, ah, just graduated from Harvard, top of his class. Gonna be a lawyer. Oh, Bill. Oh, we're proud of him. Played two-year varsity, ah, basketball, you know. He had, a- a triple double. Yeah, he had a triple double in the last game of the championship. Oh! Also, he loves cock!”

"He can't get enough cock, this kid. In his mouth, up his ass … it doesn't matter. He'll take it.”

"I got a picture of him here in the wallet. Here he is. He's getting fucked by five guys. Got three cocks wedged up his ass. Ah, I see that picture, and I beam with pri - I was never good at it. I couldn’t never do that myself.”

But you always want your kid to...

I’m Sick of Making Titles For These Things

But I have, uh, my gay - I have a gay friend, you know. I like gay guys. And I get a kick out of 'em. They don't like it when it say that, but... I do, you know?

And people sometimes, they think I'm homophobic. And I - no, I'm not afraid of them at all! That's why I like hanging around them. I'm the least afraid of them than anybody. I'm afraid of fuckin' straight guys. Those are the guys that beat the shit out of me.

But no, my buddy, man he's a good guy. He- he's a- a gay guy. And see, uhh, what's funny is that he thinks that we think of - I think of him - he thinks of himself as a guy, right, who has a life, who happens to be gay. And I think of him as a gay guy.

So, he'll say things just - mostly he talks about regular things, right? He'll go, "Hey Norm, did you see the movie Road to Perdition?' I thought it was pretty good.”

And I'm like, "Yeah. Hey, you've licked a guy's balls before, right? That's gotta be odd. Is that odd? ‘Cause I got other friends I can talk about that movie about. But you’re my only friend that I know who's licked a guy's balls. And I find that stuff fascinating.”

And I'm filled with questions for him. Like, I know, uhh, that gay guys when they have the gay sex, you know, it's- it's not the same as the straight sex because with the gay sex, they have their gay sex, and one guys … gets gypped. There's no getting around it. One guy's having a grand old time, the other guy's- the other guy's not having too pleasant an experience.

Because the one guy is using his cock. And if your cock is involved, how bad could it be, really? You know, even at its worst, your cock's doing something. Like, you could fuck a couch, it wouldn't be that bad. Right? You could have your- Like, if your friend came over, another guy, and go, "Who you fuckin' nowadays?"

"My couch."

The guy'd go, "Oh, goddamn! I'd like to fuck that couch!"

"Hey, stay away from my couch, all right? What the fuck? What are you talking about? It's my couch, you know.”

Your cock. You got- Cock doesn't care. The cock doesn't care at all. Cock, when you think about it, what does your cock fuck more than anything else in the world? Is your hand. You know? It's not like, y- you don’t, it's not like you find your hand, uh, particularly fetching or, you know.

Yeah, you're not going, "Goddamn! Look at that! [holds up hand] Yeah! I'm gonna fuck you tonight! That's right! Why don't you turn around for me, there? [turns hand around] Uhhhh. Oh yeah! I like that! Oooohhh yeah!"

I gotta go, people, the light's on. But thanks a lot, folks. God bless. Enjoy.

Transcribed by: steve, tlck, and kayte,