The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
OCTOBER 27, 2003 (NBC)

Segment One

Jay: My first guest, a very funny actor, writer, comedian, raconteur, entrepreneur, starring in a new show called "A Minute With Stan Hooper," premieres Wednesday night on Fox. Please welcome Norm MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen.

[Norm practically sprints out on stage]

Jay: Norm MacDonald Fires out like a rocket! Thank you very much. I’ve never seen- Wow. It’s amazing!

[Norm sits down in his chair]

Jay: It's like, did we just do an edit? You rocketed out here. You know, most people do the saunter. The- I mean, it's like "bing," "Norm," then and like you're here. That was amazing. That was like the fastest entrance.

Norm: People don't enjoy the walk.

Jay: What? I don't know some people like. That's. That's like that pert walk.

Norm: The audience. The audience. They like the ahhhhhhhhh-

Jay: They want to see you get right to it.

Norm: Right to it.

Jay: You're a man of action.

Norm: I'm for the audience, that's all.

[Loud applause]

Jay: Now, I haven't seen you for... You mysteriously disappeared...

Norm: I retired from show business.

Jay: You did retire.

Norm: No one noticed 'cause I was barely in it.

Jay: I see.

Norm: I took, uh- I took time off to return to my first love of, uh, drinking whisky.

Jay: Oh, yeah, I know. I know you enjoy the whisky.

Norm: I love the whisky and I like watching the TV.

Jay: Yeah, so you... Okay, so it's not like you wasted your time.

Norm: No, no, not at all. I reflected. I used the time to reflect.

Jay: I think that's... Reflection is good.

Norm: Yeah.

Jay: Yeah, yeah, reflection's good. Now you were gonna bring your son, your boy. Wha-

Norm: Oh, my son was so excited to come, you know. He knows nothing about entertainment...

Jay: Right.

Norm: ...or show business...

Jay: Right.

Norm: ...because, uh, you know...?

Jay: Yeah. I guess.

Norm: And, uh. But, uh, he loves sports, you know. He's a basketball fanatic. He loves it. A beautiful little ten year-old boy I have. And, uh, he was very excited because Charles Barkely...

Jay: Charles was supposed to be here. Yeah.

Norm: ...and apparently he was afraid to fly in with the fire.

[Taped during the fall, 2003 southern California wild fires]

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: So, uh- So, uh, anyways, I had to phone him at his school today and, uh, he had all his- his Charles Barkely cards you know...

Jay: I know. Sure.

Norm: ...and everything, his collection. He was so excited. And I said ohhh, Charles is not gonna be here, you know. And, uh, he was sad. And then, uh-

Jay: Well, we tried to get Karl Malone.

Norm: I know! I know. And then, uh, you guys phoned and said, "Hey Karl Malone's gonna be here." So then I phoned him back in school and said, "Hey, hey Dyl, guess what? Karl Malone's gonna be here. And he was really excited, you know, 'cause he has all his cards, too.

Jay: Right.

Norm: He loves Karl Malone, so he was real excited. And then, uh, Karl Malone's not coming. So, then they phoned me, they go, uh, "It's gonna be Jillian Barberie." So I phoned my boy and, uh, I got- you know he's in school. I said, "Hey, uh- uh- uh, Chalres Barkely's not gonna be here. And, Kar- or, Kar- Karl Malone's not gonna be here. But Jillian Barberie's gonna be here." And then he said, "Uhhhhhhh, is she a point guard for the Warriors, or something?" And I said, "No, she's a lady."

Jay: Yeah. Yeah, when he gets older, I think he'll appreciate her more.

Norm: Yeah, I know.

Jay: Once he gets older. Now, we were talking backstage... you mentioned Arnold. What were you saying?

Norm: Ah, I was just telling that, IIIIIIIIII love Arnold Schwarzenegger. You love Arnold Schwarzenneger?

[Loud cheers and applause]

Norm: I can already see him turning the state around. And, uh, I thought it was very unfair when people, uh, said that he, uh- he wasn't qualified for the office, you know, because they said, you know, because he's a- a movie star, a, you know, an action hero, you know, that- that shouldn't qualify him to be Governor of California. But what they don't remember is and, uh, maybe I'm wrong about this, but wasn't he at one point in his life Mr. Universe?

Jay: That's right. Well, yeah, yeah, You bring up a cogent point.

Norm: I mean, this is- this is a tiny state on a- on a globe in the Milky Way.

Jay: Yeah. Right. This too. Yeah. You see the big picture. Exactly! Yeah, I-

Norm: Ridiculous.

Jay: You know, you're a smart fellow. You should think about running for office with that-

Norm: Well, I- I- I- I- I- do feel that one day, uh, I- I might, uh, do that. In all humility, I do think that I might have some ideas, you know.

Jay: Really?

Norm: But, you know, I'm not- I'm not ready yet, uh, I think you have to prepare for these things.

Jay: Yeah

Norm: So, I started, uh- I started weightlifting.

Jay: You're working out. You look, uh- you look good, I guess.

Norm: Yeah, I got my abs.

Jay: Yeah, are those abs? Are they supposed to stick out like that? I thought the abs went in. I don't... I didn't realize they... So, your abs are so powerful, they're actually coming forward.

Norm: Yeah.

Jay: Well. That's amazing.

Norm: And they're hairy!

Jay: They're hairy abs. That's, uh, I don't want to see it.

Norm: But I don't even know what I'm supposed to do when I get the abs, really. What do you do, just show 'em to people?

Jay: I think, I- Did you injure yourself? Did you get hurt?

Norm: Yeah, no. I worked out, man. I went to this trainer, uh. He was a personal trainer.

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: And this guy, man. I don't know if you've ever lifted weights. You look like you have.

Jay: Yeah. I have. Yeah.

Norm: But, uh. No, he looks like a strong guy, but, uh, I was, uh- I went there and I'd never lifted weights, you know. And, uh, I was new to it, and so the- the idea is you take the weight, you're like, [growls] you lift it up. And then-

Jay: [laughing] You lift it up.

Norm: And then. And then you put it down.

Jay: Right. Yeah.

Norm: And then right away [growls] you lift it again. And you put it down. You do this twenty times and then the weight's where it was when it started, you know. And then, uh...

Jay: So, you don't really gain anything. No. No.

Norm: You gain... The weight is in the same place. And your muscles hurt. You're all sore and everything. And, uh, uh, very repetitious, you know, it's uh. It's the same problem I have with sex, I know. It's too, uhhh- too much of the- the same. You know what I mean?

Jay: Too much of the same.

Norm: I can't get into it. And, uh, so then- so then the, uh, this character, my trainer, finally after two weeks after lifting these crazy amounts of weights, I go, "Jeez! I- I- I- I- I think I finally, uh, it's getting a little easier. He goes, "I'll put more weight on it!" I go, "What?" Then, like, [growls] it's the same thing again.

Jay: Just a never ending cycle.

Norm: I know.

Jay: Did you hurt yourself? Did you slip a disc or something?

Norm: I know. It's not like it's- It's not like in sex, if you finally figure that out, it's not like they bring a heavier lady in.

Jay: That's good. Yeah. Send a bigger girl? I think we'll take a break. More with Norm right after this. [to Norm, laughing] Bring in a heavier lady...

Segment Two

Jay: All right. Welcome back. We're talking with, uh, physical fitness guru Norm MacDonald. Now you were telling me, I asked you about it. You slipped a disc. You said...

Norm: I did. I slipped a disc.

Jay: Oh, God. From constant working, or from punishing yourself?

Norm: Yeah, from this- this trainer he kept- he kept going, like, uh, he said, uh, "No pain, no gain." And I believed him on account of, you know, it rhymed.

Jay: Yeah, it rhymed.

Norm: So... People always believe things when they rhyme. So, I was like, "Yeah, that makes sense."

Jay: Yeah, sure.

Norm: "Gain" rhymes with "pain."

Jay: Right. Yeah, yeah.

Norm: So, uh, so I was like "Aahhhhhhhhh," it was one of these crazy machines. And then I went, [holding his back] "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," like my back had this crazy pain, which I took as a huge gain.

Jay: Right. Right. That's a good. That's great. You're doing well.

Norm: Yeah, it turned out my disc slipped.

Jay: Wow.

Norm: Are you familiar with discs?

Jay: A little bit. Sure, they're...

Norm: I'll explain 'em to you.

Jay: Yeah, all right.

Norm: Your back...

Jay: Yeah?

Norm: ...has, uh- has, uh- discs in them.

Jay: Yeah. Well, thanks for clearing that up.

Norm: Was it...?

Jay: Yeah, that was good. Yeah, okay. Okay. I think we've got a handle on it now. And one of yours slipped? Is that what... it slipped?

Norm: Yeah, it slipped. It slipped out of where it should have been.

Jay: Ahh.

Norm: And so it slips out...

Jay: Yeah?

Norm: ...and then it causes incredible pain...

Jay: Sure.

Norm: ...and virtually no gain.

Jay: Right. Right.

Norm: Then it shoots a pain down your leg, you know.

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: 'Cause your body, for some reason, the disc's up here but your body, for some reason, it's stupid, you know. I think your brain is smart....

Jay: Right. Right.

Norm: But your disc is, uh, not very smart.

Jay: Plus it's near your ass, so right there you know...

Norm: It is. It is.

Jay:'s not gonna be that smart.

Norm: Why'd you have to say that?

Jay: Well, it's, 'cause it's not smart. The brain would be, you'd think, you know...

Norm: But it seemed so... like a nice clean show before.

Jay: Yeah, but go ahead.

Norm: But uh, uh, yeah. The disc- the disc that's right near my ass...

Jay: Right. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

Norm:'s, uh, it starts shooting down my ass...

Jay: I'm sorry I brought it up, but go ahead, yeah, and then what happened?

Norm: ...right down my leg...

Jay: Wow.

Norm: ...up my leg... and back to my ass!

Jay: Wow. All the way around.

Norm: Yeah.

Jay: Amazing!

Norm: So, it was an incredibly intense pain.

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: And then when you have these pains like, uh, you know, these life threatening pains, uh, and everybody has a kind of opinion, you know. Just my friends, bouncers at bars, "Would you like me to go like this, do you?" [miming bear hug] And I go "No, that's all right." And everybody's got, one guy wanted me to take some herbal, uh, thing from ancient China. I don't like those things, those- I don't like those medicines from three thousand years ago. I prefer the ones they came up with last week.

Jay: Right. Yeah. Right.

Norm: So, uh, so, uh, I- I- I-, uh, what ended up, what I ended up having done was, uh, I went- I had an epidural.

Jay: Oh, okay.

Norm: And like, you know.

[audience member reacts]

Norm: One guy? It's usually for the ladies.

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: It's what the pregnant ladies get...

Jay: Oh, okay.

Norm: ...when they have the, the babies in their belly

Jay: Oh, okay.

Norm: They get an epidural. So, I'm a man. You know I'm a man's man.

Jay: Right, you're a man. Sure, sure.

Norm: So I was a little, I'm not getting an epidural. That's for a pregnant lady. You know what I'm saying? But the pain became so, uh- so, uh, extreme...

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: ...that I had to put my, uh, manly manliness aside.

Jay: Right.

Norm: And I did get an epidural.

Jay: Ah.

Norm: Oh my God.

Jay: Ah?

Norm: Even if you don't have a slipped disc, get one of these epidurals.

Jay: Oh, yeah, they're good? Works for you? Yeah?

Norm: Oh, man. Your leg feels so good, I mean, you want to talk about your ass, my lord!

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: Your ass feels like Jillian Barierie's ass. [mispronounced on purpose]

Jay: That's very good. Now, I understand you also, you did some horseback riding?

Norm: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I always thought I'd be a good horseback rider on account of I love western movies, you know. Uh-

Jay: Well, that makes sense. That's an interesting...

Norm: Ever since I was a kid I saw them western movies with the horseback riders. And I thought I always liked to do that. And I thought it would be good. And so, I buy a hat. And uh, I went, uh, and I got on the horse and they had, you know, these rides you can go on.

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: And, uh, it's not what you expect, you know.

Jay: No?

Norm: First of all, I thought the horse enjoyed the experience. I thought they were in on it, you know. They were having fun too. They don't care. They don't care for lugging around a dude. So uh- so, we're in a tr- a thing and everyone else's horses are going and my horse just keeps stopping and eating like a shrub and stuff. So they say, "Hurry up! Hurry up!" I'm like, "I don't know- It's a giant horse." They go, "Kick him in the ribs!" That's how you make a horse go.

Jay: Really?

Norm: Kick him as hard as you can in the ribs.

Jay: Didn't know that.

Norm: Which I didn't want to do, 'cause this horse was way bigger than me.

Jay: Well, yeah, that does make a lot of sense.

Norm: Yeah. So, if it came to a kicking contest...

Jay: Yeah, I think you would...

Norm: ...this guy would kick the shit out of me.

Jay: Yeah, yeah.

Norm: Since you're a- you- you started this filthy conversation...

Jay: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Seems like a natural... Well, listen, tell us about your show.

Norm: Oh, my show is called "A Minute with Stan Hooper." I play Stan!

Jay: All right. That makes sense.

Norm: And, uh, it's on Wednesdays nights at 8:30 on the Fox television network.

Jay: What's it about? What's it about, though?

Norm: Ah, I play a Charles Kuralt character, if you will. A- a, uh, Paul Harvey. A Charles Osgood. A, uh- A, uh-

Jay: A commentator.

Norm: A commentator!

Jay: Yeah. Yeah.

Norm: That- And I live in New York and I comment, uh, on small town values, and, uh, and then I feel like a hypocrite 'cause I live in New York City, so I decide to move to the heartland to be with my people.

Jay: Right.

Norm: You know? And then it turns out that, you know- Did you ever see that show "Green Acres"?

Jay: Yeah.

Norm: I stole that.

Jay: Really? You just stole that idea. All right, very good. Well, very good. The show in on Wednesday. We'll watch it. "A Minute with Stan Hooper."

Norm: That'd be great if you did.

Jay: Norm, thank you. Norm MacDonald. We'll be right back after this, ladies and gentlemen.

Segment Three

Jay: Alrighty, my next guest is the busiest woman in show business. She cohosts “Good Day Live”, a nationally syndicated show. Also hosts “Extreme Dating”. [to Norm] Have you ever seen extreme dating?

Norm: I’ve seen it.

Jay: Yeah, she has a starring role in “Good Morning Miami”, Tuesdays at 9:30, NBC. She also appears on the FOX NFL Pregame Show. Please welcome Jillian Barberie.

[Jillian comes out awkwardly bouncing a basketball. She passes the ball to Norm and then goes and gives Jay, then Norm, a kiss]

Jillian: [talking about the basketball she gave Norm] I don’t want your son to be disappointed.

Norm: Aw, that is sweet!

Jillian: Yeah.

Norm: It’s to Norm’s son.

Jay: Norm! ... Could those pants be any lower? I’m sorry.

[Norm looks down at his pants]

Jay: No, not yours.

Jillian: You talking about Norm’s?

Jay: No, not-

Jillian: I know. These are ridiculously low.

Norm: Yeah, they could be much lower.

[Jay lets out an annoying laugh that should be illegal on network television]

Jillian: Do we- Jay! Let me just say, do we have to go there again? We always end up talking about sex and you guys go home-

Jay: Yeah, I don’t know why we end up talking about sex.

Jillian: And you both get sex and I go home alone and I don’t get asked out. So let’s not even go the sex route.

Jay: And you don’t get asked out? I find that- I find that hard to believe.

Jillian: [to Norm] And what was that supposed to mean [in a manly voice] “Yeah, I’ve seen “Extreme Dating”?

Norm: Well- well, it’s not your best work.

[Jillian screams, the audience “woah”s]

Jillian: I’m still waiting to see what my “best work” is.

Norm: Well, you do nine shows.

[awkward silence]

Norm: No, I- I’ve seen “Extreme Dating”. I actually like “Extreme Dating”.

Jillian: I’m gonna end up on extreme dating. [to Norm] So are you!

Jay: You should, you should. Why don’t you go on the show? You’re always complaining you can’t get a date.

Jillian: Have you seen the dates on that show?

Jay: Yeah, it is pretty pathetic. But you guys know- Didn’t you audition for his show?

Jillian: Um... Sort of. I mean, we saw each other at the hair salon, and I was like hey-

[Norm gets embarrassed and the crowd begins to laugh and cheer]

Jay: Wait a minute, wait, wait... you two go to the same hair salon? Wait a minute, wait a minute, I’m sorry, Norm the “manly man” goes to the same hair salon?! [crowd applauds] Oh wow- wow.

Jillian: Oh, I’m sorry, we were at- we were at the barber shop and uh-

Jay: Yeah, yeah, and what- what...

Jillian: -and I ran into Norm and he said.

Jay: Was he like in the next chair?

[Norm attempts to speak]

Jay: Look you got him! It’s true! It’s true!

Jillian: Yeah, he was, actually. And uh, and he said, yeah, you know I, uh, I’m doin’ a- [in a manly voice] “We’re both Canadian, you should be the wife on the show.” And I said, “Yeah, that’d be really cool, do I get to drink a lot?” And he said, “Well, yeah, because you’re my wife on the show.” And of course it went to Penelope and she’s, you know, deserving.

Jay: Right. Yeah...

Jillian: But I got another sitcom! “Good Morning Miami”.

Jay: Yeah, well that’s true. But you auditioned for his-

Jillian: Yes I did.

Norm: No you didn’t audition.

Jillian: I didn’t even audition. By Hollywood standards it was an audition. We passed each other at the hair sa- barber shop.

Jay: At the hair salon.

[Norm makes hand motions to Jillian to keep things under wraps]

Jay: Now what was he- was he in the chair- did he have like that- that puffy thing...?

Jillian: No.

Jay: That looks like that-

Jillian: No! He was getting a regular hair cut.

Jay: Yeah.

Jillian: And some highlights. I was uh- [audience laughs]

Jay: [to Norm] You do have highlights.

Norm: I go in every couple of weeks and they paint my skull black. [audience laughs]

Jillian: But there’s nothing more, like, you know, emasculating than a man sitting there in foils with-

Jay: Oh, yeah.

[Norm throws his hands up]

Jillian: Not that he was! He wasn’t. But I’m just saying, you have to be a very solid man to be able to pull that off.

Jay: Oh yeah. Sure, sure.

Jillian: And he did!

[Jay and Jillian talk a bit about “Good Morning Miami”]

Jay: Now, you said that you’re not dating. Now, I heard you were dating that guy from the Lakers. What’s his name? Is it Derek- Derek Fisher, isn’t it?

Jillian: Derek. Yeah, Derek and I went on a couple of dates.

Jay: Oh, ok. Does he wear the headband when he goes on the date?

Jillian: [sarcastically] Yes Jay! He wears the headband.

Jay: So where do you go on a date? Where’s your date?

Jillian: We shoot hoops!

Jay: Where do you go?

Jillian: Well, actually, we almost did.

Norm: Where does he- where does he wear the headband?

[Everyone stares at Norm for a second then laughs]

Jay: I don’t know what that means, but when Norm says it, it-

Jay and Jillian: Sounds so dirty.

Jay: So when you go out with a Laker, what’s a date? I mean, is it an intimate restaurant what do you do? What- what- where did you go?

Jillian: Well, he was a- he is a big supporter of the Sparks. [Los Angeles’ WNBA team] And he said they’re in the playoffs so he said “Let’s go to the Sparks game.” And immediately I’m like, “I hate crowds, I’m very agoraphobic.”

Jay: Well, you could be alone there.

[Norm laughs out loud, followed by the rest of the audience]

[Historical note: This marks only the third time in recorded history that Jay Leno has ever said anything that was actually funny.]

Jay: Maybe he wanted to take you some place where there weren’t any people...

Jillian: [now unimpressed] Ouch! Come on, support your local teams.

Jay: No, he was- Fine, fine, so you went to the...

Jillian: I love Lisa Lesley. So we go, and then he said we’ll go to dinner afterwards. Which we did-

[Norm, still slightly laughing inadvertently snort-laughs. Jillian and Jay turn to Norm and the audience laughs]

Jay: Now where was dinner? Was it some place with coupons? Or did he take you to an actual sit down?

[Jillian and Jay talk more about her date with Derek Fisher.]

Jillian: No anyway. Thank to my big mouth and going on shows like yours and Howard Stern’s I blab- I blabber everything out there and then I don’t get another date with him. So if I do get- end up with a date-

Jay: You know, you should date Norm.

Jillian: -with Norm, yeah-

Jay: Because then-

Jillian: -then I won’t say a word.

Jay: You know, Norm doesn’t know how to drive. You know that? Norm can’t drive a car. You could drive.

Jillian: Ok, you know what? I have five jobs, the last thing I’m doing is driving my date around. Ok? I need a man to come pick me up and be the man.

Norm: Oh, I’ll be the man.

[audience laughs]

Jillian: But you’re not gonna come pick me up!

Jay: Maybe you could pick him up at the salon, and then go on the date!

[audience laughs]

Jillian: Because you’re the man!

Jay: You the man! [more laughing]

[Jay and Jillian talk about her appearing in FHM Magazine. He then asks her why she hasn’t done Playboy.]

Jay: So why not? Would you, would you ever consider doing that?

Jillian: Ummmm... not right now. Not for me right now. I just want to do-

Jay: How about-

Jillian: I have five jobs-

Jay: How about like private parties? No I’m-

[audience laughs and then “oooh”s]

Jay: I’m just thinking, Norm and I.

Norm: How much you go on you?

Jay: Yeah, I got- I got a few- I got some- [more “oooh”s from audience]

Jillian: Allright! Let’s talk! How much money are we talking here gentlemen?!

Jay: Because, you get- you get no money for these, right?

Jillian: No, you don’t get any money. Nothing.

Jay: And just one little piece of thread could pay-

Jillian: Yeah, and celebrities for Playboy, they don’t want to see anything but your ‘T’ and- and ‘A’. They don’t want to see anything else, what-have-you. You’ll have to wear the “murkin”, [to Norm] you know what that is?

Norm: No.

Jillian: The “murkin”!

Norm: I don’t know what that is.

[one member of the audience laughs]

Jillian: Somebody knows.

Norm: What is the murkin?

Jillian: It’s a wig for down there.

Jay: We’ll ex-

Jillian: Because so many girls get-

Jay: We’ll explain it to him later.

Jillian: No, no, we’ll explain now. [audience laughs] So many girls get waxed. And they have nothing there, and Playboy wants something so they have a little- little wig. It’s called the murkin.

[audience laughs]

Jillian: See Jay, aren’t you glad you asked.

Jay: Kinda like the hair club for men. Anyway, alright, we’ll be back with Annie Lennox after this ladies and gentlemen.

Greatest thanks to TLCK for transcribing the first two segments.