Thank you. I'm Norm Macdonald and now -- the fake news. Yesterday, [O.J.] Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that mystery envelope to be opened -- and it appears Simpson may have already won 10 million dollars.
Haitian general Raul Cedras, who will be stepping down in two weeks, held a hasty garage sale of some knick-knacks he'd acquired while in office. [Picture of a pile of skulls appears. Some in audience react badly.] You're big fans of the Haitian strongman, are ya?
Middle East Breakthrough
Another breakthrough in the Middle East. Arab and Israeli negotiators, working through the night, accidentally resolved the baseball strike.
And film maker Ken Burns has announced that, following his baseball series, his next documentary project will be a 12-hour, eight-part "History of the Dorky Haircut."
Former First Lady Barbara Bush published her memoirs this month. Readers were shocked by her revelation that while living at the White House, she had sex with former president George Bush.
Oldest Human Ancestor
Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.
The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone, was crowned last week in Atlantic City. Although completely deaf, she is an expert lip reader. [Conceals mouth with hand.] Personally, I don't think she's that pretty, y'know? Not my cup of tea.
New Postage Stamp
Postal authorities removed a cigarette from a photo of blues artist Robert Johnson to help dignify the musician in a new stamp they've issued in his honor. This isn't the first time the post office has altered a photograph. In fact, the original photo used on the Elvis stamp [stamp with Elvis singing into microphone is shown] was based on this photo [same picture as before, but microphone is replaced by a giant sandwich.] The King enjoying a hoagie!
A recent consumer poll shows that 'Hershey' is America's favorite company, while 'Phillip-Morris' is America's least favorite. In the middle -- the company that makes chocolate cigarettes --right in the middle.
Shroud of Turn
Well, a South African professor claims that the Shroud of Turin was created in the Middle Ages, using techniques similar to photography. Backing up his claim is the recent unearthing of a two-thousand-year-old "Your Face On A Shroud" concession booth.
Last month, an 80-year-old Albuquerque woman was awarded over two million dollars in damages from McDonald's after she spilled some of their coffee in her lap and suffered severe burns. As a result, McDonald's this week has put a warning label on its coffee cups that reads: "Caution: Do you think you can manage to avoid pouring it directly on your crotch this time, you senile old hag? Think you can manage that, huh?"
The Shawshank Redemption
And "The Shawshank Redemption" picked up the New York Film Festival's coveted award for the stupidest movie title.
In Washington, a 410-pound convicted killer is fighting his execution on constitutional grounds. He claims that, if he is hanged, his head will be completely torn from his body, which would amount to "cruel and unusual punishment." Now, having your head completely torn from your body is cruel, I'll grant you, but is it really that unusual?
Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany, where his latest album sold 5 million copies this week -- which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
Poultry Truck Overturns
A truck full of chickens overturned on the Long Island expressway yesterday. Hundreds of chickens crossed the road, but nobody's been able to figure out why. And that's all for now. Good night and good luck.
THANKS: Guy Gardner for sharing his collection with us and Brian Soule for transcribing the update.