Archiver's Note:

This is Norm's second weekend update ever. I've kept in David Spade's cool guy bit because there's a lot of funny interaction with Norm.

Added to site: June 5, 2001.

October 1st, 1994
Hi I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the news...

Potential Jurors for the O.J. Simpson case were asked to fill out a 75 page jury questionare this week. In the entire state of California only one person got a perfect score, Chow Ming Yu, who after the trial plans to attend Cal Tech.

O.J. Simpson's new fitness video was released this week, and hitting the shelves next week, Simpson's newest video, "Dorf on Stalking". ... Uh huh, the Crowd is torn. [pity applause]

Tourism in India has taken a dramatic drop recently. The state bureau of tourism has two theories. 1) Air fares have gone up slightly in the past year causing a decrease in travel worldwide and 2) The plague.

In New York this week, Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano was sentenced to just five years in prison for committing 19 murders. He better be careful though, because New York has just passed a tough new law, 20 strikes and you're out.

Four Pittsburgh children were found in a house strewn with garbage and human waste after they have been abandoned by there parents for two weeks. The couple was charged with child endangerment. But, to there credit, they did bring the children a present, a t-shirt that reads, "My parents left me for two weeks in a house full of human waste and all I got was this lousy t-shirt".

A comet hit the planet Jupiter last July and scientists now say the dark scars have almost completely disappeared, but the emotional scars will be there for a long long time.

Ford this week recalled two models of cars saying that they might explode during refueling. At Ford quality is Job one. And job two 'Making your car explode'.

What's it like to lose 35 million dollars? Just ask Dale Stertavant of Honesdale Pennsylvania. That's how much he lost this week at a local convenience store when he failed to guess any of the six winning numbers in the states pick six lottery. When reached for comment by Weekend Update, Stertavant replied, "Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I bought a three dollar lotto ticket and it didn't win. Why can't you leave me alone?"

Christie Brinkley told reporters this week that her marriage to Billy Joel was over long before there divorce. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Christie Brinkley and that she was married to Billy Joel. [applause]

This week Disney released a new CD featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single 'Cat Killer'.

And in a related story, this week marked the 5000th performance of the Broadway musical "Cats". It also marked the 5000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, "What the hell is this?" [applause]

The food and drug administration announced today that while one ounce of Special K with 4 ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce of Special K with 5 ounces of milk is deadly poison.

70% of diners polled this week said there should be no smoking in restaurants. And 80% of diners said that restraunts should give away there food for free.

Fashion designer Giorgio Armani confessed last week to bribing Italian tax officials. He was sentenced to six months of wearing brown shoes with a blue suit.

And now with a look back at the week in review is new update correspondent cool guy ... cool guy.

Hey cool guy you coulda hurt someone by flicking your cigarette into the crowd like that ...

Oh I see your too cool to care. Is that it? ... Now uh, I heard you saw the movie Terminal Velocity this week how did you like that? ... Yeah I felt the same way ...

So how does Natasha Kinski look? Pretty hot huh? ... But how is her acting?... ohhhh ... Now cool guy what about that Charlie Sheen I hear he is off the sauce now ... Jeeze I heard he was, so how does he look in the movie? ...

You know he's here tonight ... No, no he's not but that's funny when I tricked you there huh cool guy?...

So let me ask you cool guy, is this the whole joke, I mean, you just do this? You talk and you don't talk and you make funny faces is that the whole idea? ... Oh ok back to me ... So listen, off the record, do you think by acting cool up here you may trick some girls into thinking you're cool in real life and possibly score with them?

I got ya, if it happens it happens. I hear that ... Alright, Cool guy ladies and gentleman ... Cool guy. You know whats great about cool guy? He's cool.

Visitors to New York's Time Square this winter are in for a bit of surprise, crazy people will be shooting at them.

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany where his series Baywatch celebrated its 100th straight week as the nations top TV show. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasseloff.

And Finally John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be an adult film star. He has been signed on to play himself in the "John Wayne Bobbitt Story". The part of his severed penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore.

Transcribed by: staff member  casey
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.