October 22nd, 1994

Thank You, Thank You, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the news:

Judge Lance Ito this week barred all potential jurors from reading Faye Resnick's controversial new book 'Nicole Brown Simpson Diary of Life Interrupted'. The Judge also barred them from reading Faye Resnick's other new book entitled 'Judge Lance Ito is a Big Fruit'.

In other book news Prince Charles released an Autobiography in which he states that he never loved Princess Di and that his father pressured him to marry her the book is entitled 'Of course O.J. did it I mean come on'.

And the pope came out with a book this week which contains a series of essays examining faith and morality in today's secular world and the changing role of the Catholic Church as it approaches the 21st century the book is entitled 'God himself told me that O.J. is guilty'.

Queen Elizabeth II visited Russia this week becoming the first English Monarch to set foot in the Soviet Union. The visit, which will last for two weeks, is expected to have absolutely no effect on anything what-so-ever.

To discourage worship of the Dalai Llama the Chinese government has banned all photos of the exiled Tibetan leader, except for this photo from the 70's.

New York City doorman Lenny Ladenhoff nearly fell over from shock when Princess Diana confided to him that she was feeling horny and invited him to drop by her hotel suite Thursday evening. Way to go Lenny!

Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn has announced plans for a new hotel 46 stories high set on 17 acre island in the middle of an artificial lake on the Las Vegas strip. In a related story, Motel 6 now has shampoo.

Helmut Kol was elected to his forth term as Germany's chancellor this week. Experts say Mr. Kols success was guaranteed after he won the backing of singing sensation David Hassellhof; which once again proves my old theory 'Germans love David Hassellhof'.

The Brazilian teenager suing Michael Jackson for running him over with his van displayed his scars for a photographer this week. Jackson said through a spokesman that the suit was baseless but he would like to see more photos.

A jury this week awarded 8.9 million dollars to a man who said Tylenol destroyed his liver. Immediately following the decision, Tylenol announced its new advertising campaign 'Take Tylenol and you just might win 8.9 million dollars'.

Well, a beef flavored water for dogs hit stores this week. And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor: 'Other Dogs Asses'.

And finally, in honor of the 50th anniversary of their first publication, Random House will be releasing special commemorative issues of many Dr. Suess classics. The first to hit the bookshelves will be 'Green Eggs and Ham and O.J. is Guilty'.

And that's all for now, goodnight!

Transcribed by: staff member  casey
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.