The last few jokes were cut by Comedy Central, but for some reason I had the entire audio clip on my hard drive already, so I guess all that's missing are a few pictures.
Added to site: September 12th, 2002.
November 12th, 1994
Thank you. Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news...
Well, it's been a disastrous week for President Clinton; his party lost control of the House and Senate, and 31 governorships are now in Republican hands. The only bright spot: he was completely exonerated in the murder of Bob Crane.
With Republicans in control of the Senate, Oregon's Bob Packwood will become chairman of the Senate Finance Committee. In his statement, he promised to "Massage the budget, goose interest rates, and, if possible, stick his tongue down the throat of inflation."
And in Connecticut, where I live, a house race was won by a margin of just two votes. Well that's good. My vote still wouldn't have made any difference at all.
Young or old. Male or female. Everyone loves to visit the White House.
In an act of conciliation, China released 8 political prisoners this week... but they made it clear that the other 79 million would be executed without a trial.
A French man who calls himself "The Snake Man" was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yep, he climbed up the side of a high rise. Just like a snake!
This week is taxi cab appreciation week, so to all you taxi cab drivers out there: I'd appreciate if you'd take a shower once and a while. How'd that be? [audience cheers]
A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some people go "Woo, woo!"] Yeah! The ads claim that the 80 proof vodka is so pure, it's virtually headache-free. But before you run out and buy it, remember: it causes massive anal bleeding.
Dr. James Watts, a neuro-surgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull, and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. [pause. Enthusiastically] What a genius. He'll be missed!
Well, Tom Cruise got ready for the premier of his new movie "Interview with the (a) Vampire" by sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole's-- [Turns to look at picture of Cruise and Kidman]
Liza Manelli has gotten word she'll have to have a hip replacement operation. This marks the first time in fifteen years that the name "Liza Manelli" and the word "hip" have been used in the same sentence."
George Foreman shocked the world this week... [applause] How about that, huh? He shocked the world when after absorbing punishing blows to the head for 10 rounds, he knocked out Michael Moorer to regain the heavyweight crown. After the fight, Foreman said he felt great and that Moorer's punches had had no effect on him whatsoever. He then proceeded to grant a 20-minute interview to the ring post.
Model, Carrie Otis, made news this week when she stated that she didn't want Mickey Roark showing up at her work. Hey, ah, join the club lady! You think any of us want Mickey Roark showing up at our work?
Former first lady Nancy Regan reports that her husband has been relaxing at their ranch, riding horses, and chopping wood. Sadly, eyewitnesses report that he was actually riding wood and chopping horses.
The cast of Baywatch made a special appearance at Disney World in Florida where they were mobbed by adoring fans. Which proves my new theory: "German tourists love David Hasselhoff!"
A two-inch hummingbird that waited too long to fly south and ended up stranded in Alaska, will be flow via commercial airline to California, this week. You know, I have another solution to this: Kill the hummingbird!
Our final story... Ted Kennedy says now that he's won re-election, he can finally relax, get off that crazy diet, and really let himself go.
And that's all for now, good night!
Transcribed by: GaNGuScoN2 and steve
Provided by: Noel and steve