Thank you. Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald and this is the 'Fake News'."
Newly elected Governor George Pataki says he wants to bring the death penalty back to New York. First up: Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
According to a poll taken last week, if presidenelect- if the presidential elections were held tomorrow, the guy in the funny mask would win.
[Norm comments on the few laughs] Maybe if I had said the word properly...?
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is warning people not to overeat on Thanksgiving because it can make you drowsy at the wheel. Well, that's bad news for me, you know, 'cause after Thanksgiving dinner I usally like to drive around a while, untill I sober up.
Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guest appearence on the hit show 'Baywatch'. Now, my research has uncovered that Fergie is actually British, not German. Which, while not proving, certainly does nothing to disprove my time tested theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
[These jokes where cut by Comedy Central, so there's no pictures.]
George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will be an inspiration to every American that has tried to reach the impossible dream. And in a related story, former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer said that he wants his autobiography to be an inspiration to anyone who's ever been beaten up by an old man.
In North Dakota this week, a hunter narrowly escaped death when a pocketknife in his breast pocket deflected a bullet shot by another hunter. Man, you know we have too many weapons in this country when people are getting shot in the knife.
Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TV station in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if it was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to be on TV with his case still pending, Ito said, "Maybe not, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?"
[skit with Judge Ito {Michael Myers} on his TV appearence]
It was revealed today that O.J. Simpson told police that Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up. He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him.
Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalism after demonstrating against fur. She said wearing fur was in bad taste. Then, returned to her studio to tape a show entitled 'Why whores get the clap'.
Yeah, Ricki Lake, you know, ah, she is- she really is an animal lover though, she has three cats, two dogs and a big ass that follows her around everywhere.
Well, there may be trouble in paradise. Lisa Marie Presley confirmed this week, that she and Michael Jackson live in separate residences, 50 miles away from each other. Lisa Marie was quoted as saying, "I guess being married to a homosexual pedophile wasn't such a great idea after all."
Researchers have developed a so called 'red wine pill' which gives all of the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah, it's called a grape!
NORM: In other netertainment news, one of the world's biggest stars just completed a whirlwind three-week world tour. Tonight he's agreed to come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff!
DAVID HASSELHOFF: Thank you! Thank you very much! [laughs] My recent world tour was an incredible experience. I went to twenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I've got some amazing stories to tell.
In Japan, for instance- instance, I was invited to the state dinner at the Emperor's Palace. What I didn't know was the emperor...
NORM: Hey! Woah! Woah! Woah! Hang on a second. Did you just say Japan?
DAVID: Yes I did.
NORM: Yeah, well no offense, you know, but I don't think anybody cares about Japan. Why don't you, ah... Why don't you focus on the countries where you're, you know, you're popular?
DAVID: Oh, Well, in China we had an incredible experience. The entire cast of Baywatch was invited to the Great Wall. Where hundreds of thousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison, “Baywatch, Ba-”
NORM: [Interrupting] Woahhh, woaaahhh. Wait, wait. Chinese people?
DAVID: Yes, of course.
NORM: Look, why don't we skip China? In fact, rule out all of Asia.
DAVID: Okay, okay. What do you want to hear about? I mean, I've got some great stories from all over the world.
NORM: "I-I-I was thinking, you know, ah, some place where you're specially popular, you know, like in Europe.
DAVID: Oh, well, in Italy-
NORM: No, in Northern Europe, Northern Europe.
DAVID: Oh, I got you. I got you. Okay. I got you. There's one country that they absolutely love me. Norway.
NORM:Norway? What, are you crazy? They like everybody in Norway, nobody gives a damn about Norway. What the hell's wrong with ya?
DAVID: Look, ah, what's going on, here? I've never seen you like this.
NORM: Well, ahhhh, to tell you the truth, you know, I didn't want to be the one to bring it up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the- how do the Germans feel about you?
DAVID: Well, on this trip, we actually didn't stop in Germany-
NORM: [Raising voice] I don't care about your stupid trip! Look, just tell me how you would characterize in one sentence the way Germans feel about you.
DAVID: Well, I've always been fortunate to get a very positive response from the Germans-
NORM: [Interrupting] Oh, my God! This is no time for false modesty! We're running late, we gotta wrap this thing up. Do Germans love you?
DAVID: Well, 'love' is an awfully strong word.
NORM: Oh, listen, David, uh, let's say a guy had a theory, all right?
DAVID: All right.
NORM: A theory that he's devoted several years of his life to. And let's say he has a lot of evidence to back up this theory of his.
DAVID: All right.
[Norm puts pile of documents on desk as "evidence"]
NORM: Now, don't you think it would just be common courtesy to help that guy out, you know, and not- not ruin his life?
DAVID: Listen, I don't... know what you want me to say here, pal.
NORM: Oh my God, here, I'll write it down.
[Norm writes on paper and gives it to David]
NORM: Here. Say this.
DAVID: [Reading from paper] Germans love me.
NORM: Which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
NORM: And that's the news! See you next time. Thank you, David.
DAVID: Auf Wiederschauen! [something else in German] Auf Wiederschauen! Auf Wiederschauen!
