Archiver's Note:

Norm's got a funny bit here with that girl, I forgot her name, ah it doesn't matter. Anyway, it drags on for a bit, but it gets better once Norm keeps telling her to get out of there.

Added to site: June 5, 2001.

December 3rd, 1994

Thank you. Thanks, I'm Norm Macdonald and this is the fake news...

GAT passed in the senate this week, 76 for GAT and 24 No Idea what the hell GAT is. So that was a close one.

US Air is beginning a campaign to restore passenger confidence. I think just two little words will do that, "We've landed".

Blimpies has started suppling subs for Delta Airlines to serve in its flights. And in return, Delta is giving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in its restaurants.

Standing outside a New York City courtroom this week, Paula Jones was berated by passing New Yorker's who called her names such as 'slut' and 'whore'. Observers say the situation grew even worse when the crowd realized who she was.

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey Happy Birthday Jesus hope you like crap! [laughter] ... oh ... well I don't know.

Serial killer Jeffery Dahmer was attacked and killed by another inmate this week. [applause] Just before the fight Dahmer threatened, "Hey don't mess with me pal, I used to eat guys like you for breakfast."

And a priest ... A priest says he got Dahmer to believe in God before he died. Asked if this would get Dahmer into heaven, the priest said, "No, but it was fun to make him think so."

Norm: And now, here with a commentary on the death of Jeffery Dahmer, from the American Civil Liberties Union, Naomi Green.

NG: (rant about Dahmer/serial killers defending them)

Norm: Hey hey hey hey hey Naomi, I mean wait a minute here. Let's remember, I mean, this Dahmer guy, he wasn't a saint.

NG: Oh really Norm? You as the arbitar of taste, the man who knows what good is, who is a better person than Jeffery Dahmer?

Norm: Oh I don't know? Ah, John Elway.

NG: Is he Norm? Is he?

Norm: Look no offense there lady but you're really giving me the creeps.

NG: Am I Norm? Am I?

Norm: Yeah, Get out of here! Naomi Green, ladies and gentleman.

And in foreign news today, there's ah oh ah... This just in ah...

Denver police report that Broncos' quarterback John Elway has been taken into custody in connection with the disappearances of more then a dozen local teenagers. I guess I owe Miss Green an apology.

NG: Do you Norm? Do you? Norm: Get out of here! Would ya? Geeze.

Yippee! Jerry Ruben died last week! Oh I'm sorry that should read Yippee Jerry Ruben died last week. Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely, just I didn't read it right.

And now, it's time for Weekend Update's movie reviews. This week I saw 'Interview with the Vampire'. And here is my review. "Not gay enough".

Last week, Queen Elizabeth won 10 pounds in her country's national lottery. However, she has no plans to quit her job as Queen of England. Yeah I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. You think I didn't know?

A Brooklyn man crossing an expressway on Monday was hit by at least 10 cars. According to police the mans body was spread over a two block area. Police also reported that various organs were flattened on the road and that his spine had been ripped out of his torso. The man is currently resting in stable condition at St. Mary's Hospital.

The new ad campaign for Duracell batteries is already having a dramatic affect. Over 70% of consumers say they now find the batteries quote, "creepy and disturbing".

That's all the news goodnight and good luck.

Transcribed by: staff member  casey
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.