Archiver's Note:

There were no skits by anyone in this segment, so it's pure Norm for about five and a half minutes. The mumbling ER bit is especially hilarious. He also makes some funny comments after a lot of the articles.

Added to site: June 5, 2001.

December 10th, 1994

Thank you, Thanks I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news...

PLO leader, Yasser Arafat, announced this week that his wife is pregnant. The happy couple said they really don't care if the child is a boy or girl, just as long as it hates Jews.

The California Senate voted 38 to 0 to name state route 118 'The Ronald Reagan Freeway'. The 83-year-old former president joked, "People have tried to drive over me for years, this is the first time I will actually welcome it'." And then everybody enjoyed a good laugh, even though they had know idea what the hell he was talking about.

Airline travelers complaints have risen 22% over the last year. The single most common complaint was, "They lost my baggage", followed closely by "I didn't like being in that fiery plane crash".

Well more bad news for governor-elect George Pataki, an audit reveals that due to years of lax security, New York's reservoirs are quote "90% urine".

Well, you gotta hand it to Dan Quale for finally changing his image. You used to look at him and think potato spelt with an 'e', now you look at him and think 'blood clot'.

The U.S. Postal Service this week canceled plans for a stamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima. They will instead release a different stamp...

Here it is. That ah ... Hopefully people will find it less offensive. That one.

Jeffery Dahmers relatives are apparently fighting over what to do with his body. [applause] Yeah, well, some want to have sex with it, while the rest want to put it in the fridge. ... Should have stopped at the premise that time

The cast of Americas hottest new show E.R. have landed themselves on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. There all there the most popular bunch of actors on TV. There's that guy and the other guy there's the black guy there and the frizzy haired lady and there is that blonde doctor girl. There they are America's hottest group of actors.

Well a study this week reports seafood is good for you unless it is fried. Yet another groundbreaking story from the pages of the medical journal DUH!.

A new study shows that a few simple tests may be able to determine which elderly drivers are most likely to have accidents. Sadly, the tests all involve a lot of old people driving cars into trees ... kinda sad.

Scientists have developed a genetically superior Christmas tree that will be taller, stronger, and tougher than other trees. One downside, if you don't like your presents, it will kill you. ... That's a hell of downside there.

And ah. Here's a story. Scientist have discovered that rats with spinal cord injuries were able to walk again after being treated with a combination drug therapy. That's good news, huh? Getting all those rats up and around again.

A new FBI study shows that for the first time, American's are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible.

A one-legged goose with a dart in its head. And I complain about my life. You know? Its tougher for the one-legged goose.

Hey, Lisa-Marie Presley said that she and Michael are still together and happy, this week. She also made a revaluation that she is actually a nine-year-old boy.

[Is that it? Whoop, There I am, I thought I was over there.] A Sheep dog carrying $250,000 worth of cocaine in its stomach was found at JFK airport earlier this week. A customs agent got suspicious when he saw two airline employees taking turns sniffing the dogs ass.

And that's all the news. Thanks folks, see you later.

Transcribed by: staff member  casey
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.