Archiver's Note:

This one's quite funny. Spade shows us just how gay his jokes are in his little concert review bit. I've edited David Spade's bit just to include his stuff with Norm.

Added to site: June 5, 2001.

January 14th, 1994

Thank you, thank you. Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald and this is the fake news...

Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, this week again offered to quit his job, saying his sick of being a damn secretary.

This week, President Clinton gave Japanese prime minister, Tomichi Moriyama, a basket of Washington state apples. Afterwards, the Asian head of state said, "Hey, thanks for the apples. I guess I really owe you one now."

Here we see the president and the first bitch.

Hey, hey slow down you bitch, let me catch up, I'm tryin' to, hey..

Hilary Clinton invited Newt Gingrich and his mother to the white house. Apparently she's hoping they'll get caught in the cross fire.

More bad news for Boris Yeltsin this week, in Czechnia, the entire Russian army was defeated by these three guys over here. [points to picture]

And here is South Korea's annual, 'The Running of The Tanks'.

The bureau of alcohol, tobacco, and firearms was given approval to a new bullet, so brutally destructive that it'll tear through your soft tissue, rip apart your vital organs, then take all your money and live it up with your girlfriend in Aruba. Aruba.

A 51 year old cosmonaut set a world space endurance record this week, after spending 367 days aboard the Russian space station MIR. And, also as a side note, he also, smashed his own masturbation record.

Well, the Grammy award nominations were announced this week, and it was a lucky day for singer Billy Ray Cyrus, apparently he found a five dollar bill in a taxi.

Oprah Winfrey broke down and cried this week, saying she had once smoked crack cocaine. You know I don't know what she's crying about, I mean, you know, some people in this world never get to smoke crack cocaine. It's ridiculous! [to someone behind camera] Huh?

And now with a review of the concerts he saw over the Christmas break, here's our music correspondent, it's David Spade.

Spade: Yeah, thank you Norm. Alright, thank you crowd. I took my 11 year old cousin to see Green Day, they were on the show last month. Yeah, they were on our show recently. At first, I didn't like these guys cause they were from Britain, then I found out they weren't. So, I liked them for about 20 seconds, until I realized they were pretending to be from Britain.

[Sings with British accent] I bite my lip and close my eye.. Aren't you guys from Portland? Let's bring it down about a million percent. I guess they had a layover from Heathrow and couldn't shake the accent. [British Accent] Me suppins is in me puppins... Na uh, not this time gang. [Accent] Me bloomin' nick.. No, sorry. [Accent] I've got...

Norm: Hey, now don't you think you're being a little rough on these guys David. I mean, you know, they were Rolling Stone's favourite new band, they sold four million albums. You know, nothin' personal but, ah you know, I think your career could use a splash of jolly old England there.

Spade: [Accent] Well then, why don't you join me in me flat for some crumpets Norm?
Norm: Not now jeez, you gotta, ease in to it there buddy.
Spade: Alright whatever. Thank you Norm, I will see you later maity. Alright!

In Walnut Creek California, any one who turns in his gun can get free therapy. And anyone who doesn't turn in his gun, can get free anything.

Well let's get to O.J., O.J. Simpson's lawyers say they don't want the families of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman in the courtroom during the trial. They're afraid the presence of the family members will just remind O.J. of how much more killing he still has to do.

And, O.J. announced this week that he's coming out with a new book called 'I Want Yo Tell You', and if it's successful, O.J. will work on yet another book entitled, 'From Football to Prison, My 25 Years of Showering With Other Men'.

[archivers note: Didn't you think the title of O.J.'s second book would be 'I Want To Kill You' ?]

And finally, twin daughters have been born to Andrew and Carrie Kennedy Cuomo, making former New York governor Mario Cuomo, a grandfather. The girls were named 'Pataki' and 'Sucks'.

That's all for now, goodnight see you later!

Transcribed by: staff member  casey
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.