Archiver's Note:

I removed the operaman singing bit with Adam Sandler, so it's pure news. Watch for the segment about pot use in high schools, it's my favorite.

Added to site: June 3, 2000.

February 18th, 1995
Thank you very much. Thank you. Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald and this is the fake news:

It took a Long Island jury ten hours to convict Colin Ferguson this week. It then took them thirteen hours to walk across the street for lunch and twenty-seven hours to eat it.

And in football news, man this is getting ridiculous, the 49ers now beat the Chargers one thousand million six hundred and fifty five... something to twenty-seven. I'm not good with those long numbers.

Judge Lance Ito is happy with the juror's field trip to the crime scene last week, "It went off without a hitch," said Ito, "not one murder."

And this week, Simpson defense lawyers questioned witnesses about a half melted container of ice cream found at the murder site. The Simpson defense has seized upon the ice cream for two reasons: one, it may help fix the time of the murders, and two, it was the only thing in the murder scene without any of OJ's blood on it.

OJ's pal Al Callings now has a 1-900 number. For $2.99 Callings will tell callers that OJ is innocent. And for $3.99 a minute, he'll try to do it without laughing.

This week president Clinton played golf with x-presidents Gerald Ford and George Bush. Bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf ball giving her a broken nose and ten stitches. But don't be impressed it took him five strokes to do it, so...

A study says pot use in high school is up sharply. Don't I know it?! Oh, yeah. I'm joking! And ah- I don't really sell drugs to children.

And now, a correction to a story we ran last week: Prince Charles is actually the one in the middle. So... we apologize for that.

According to a new survey, condom use is way up. Also way up: complicated, clumsy, unsatisfying sex.

According to a survey, 58% of men would have sex with a woman they disliked. All though, while having sex, they would really really like them and then afterwards not like them again.

One hundred and thirty years after the civil war, the state of Mississippi has finally voted to abolish slavery. Representatives said they would have like to have done it sooner, but they where delayed due to some awfully big cotton crops. They had to... had some... a big cotton thing... all right.

After fifty years of entertaining children, a fed up Mickey Mouse finally started to eat one this week.

And in a touching valentine day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney and ran out of the restaurant screaming.

Roseanne was married on Valentines Day, and gee, you know as romantic as that sounds, I find myself far more interested in almost anything else that is going on in the face of the planet.

And finally, the Oscar nominations where announced this week, and Tom Hanks and Jodie Foster are in a heated competition in the Academy's controversial new category, Best Retard.

All right folks, that's it for now, thanks folks, seya next week.

Transcribed by: staff member  casey
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.