Archiver's Note:

I left in an OJ juror bit between Norm and Ellen Cleghorne, it's quite funny. I removed Kevin Nealon's bit, even though it had a bit of Norm, because it dragged on for so long.

Added to site: June 3, 2000.

February 25th, 1994

Thank you, oh my God, thank you, thanks. I'm Norm Macdonald and this is the fake news:

Well, there's good news this week from strife torn Ireland where a historic peace agreement has just been signed. Gee, I wonder if anyone will celebrate by drinking?

Former interior secretary James Watt was inedited this week for still having a large, light bulbed shaped head.

A stock market rally pushed the DOW Jones industrial average past the 4,000 mark for the first time ever. I have no idea what that means.

Was OJ Simpson high on speed the night of the murders? "Absolutely not," said defense attorney Johnny Cochran today, "and a simple test of any of OJ's blood found at the crime scene will prove it."

And OJ pal Al Callings said this week that in looking for the truth in the OJ Simpson case, he sometimes talks to a picture of Nicole Brown Simpson, something that in the past, would have gotten him killed by OJ.

To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, OJ Simpson lawyers said this week, that if he had to do it over again, after killing his victims, OJ would now rob them as well.

That one you find troubling?

Norm: We went to a quite a bit of trouble to get our next guest on Weekend Update. I'm not sure this is legal, but here, with an insiders view of the OJ trial, Simpson juror number four.

Juror #4 (Ellen Cleghorne): Hello Norm

Norm: Hello Ma'm, what are your impressions of the trial so far?

Juror #4: About what?

Norm: About the trial.

Juror #4: Oh, I don't know, I haven't been paying much attention.

Norm: To the Trial?

Juror #4: Yeah, it was interesting for like the first ten minutes but since then it's just 'bla bla bla'.

Once I thought I heard my name and I looked up but they where just talking about blood or something. Oh there's this one guy who always pays attention, he writes everything down in these little notebooks, but the rest of us got mad at him always "shushing" us, so we stole the notebooks and through'em out.

Norm: So what do you do while the trial is going on?

Juror #4: Oh well, I've been reading a lot of books. I read OJ's book, a complete waste of time! I heard all that stuff, you know, and one woman she brought in an Etch-a-Sketch, we passed that around. And sometimes I see how high I can count up in numbers in my head. That's about it.

Norm: Well, uh, have you come to any conclusions about whether OJ did it?

Juror #4: Hey, hm, it aint none of my business.

Norm: Yeah, it is your business.

Juror #4: What do you mean?

Norm: Well, you get to vote on whether OJ's guilty or not.

Juror #4: No!

Norm: Yeah, that's what you're there for.

Juror #4: Uh oh! I guess I better read OJ's book again.

Norm: An anonymous OJ juror, lady's and gentleman.

If owners use replacement baseball players, hotdog venders have vowed to go on strike. Boy those owners are screwed now, they'll never find other guys who can sell hotdogs. I don't think, I don't think they'll be able too...

Doctor William A. Moffet, the worlds leading authority on the Dead Sea Scrolls, died this week at age sixty-two. The cause of death, the curse of the Dead Sea Scrolls!

This was Collin Ferguson's first week in prison. Ferguson has reportedly dismissed his cellmate, and from now on will be acting as his own bitch.

New medical research shows that man and women have different food cravings, men preferring meat and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days when men had to go out and hunt for food, while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.

Washington power twosome Marry Madeline and James Carvel are expecting their first baby in July. No one knows if the baby will be a democrat or a republican, but doctors are sure of one thing: it will be weird looking.

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athena Onasis, celebrated her tenth birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well, to give you some idea, at the party, they had two cakes.

The mafia announced that they will drop their time honored greeting of gently kissing each other on the cheek, this week. But as for shooting people and stuffing them into the trunks of cars, full steamed ahead!

An intoxicated man was decapitated by a moving subway train, this week, after he fell off the platform while trying to show off for a woman he didn't know. The stunt worked, the two will be married in June.

And finally, due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn station based on the way they look. From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.

Well that's it. Thanks folks, seya next week.

Transcribed by: staff member  casey
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.