Archiver's Note:

This one's really long. There are two bits, one with David Spade, and the other with Chris Farley and Adam Sandler which is especially funny. Watch for the patented "so I says to the guy, I says".

Added to site: June 3, 2000.

March 18th, 1994

Thank you, thanks. I'm Norm Macdonald, and this is the fake news:

A Michigan man has been arrested for the murder of a coworker following their joint appearance on the 'Jenny Jones Show'. Jenny Jones says she's very upset over the incident. How upset? Find out on the next 'Jenny Jones.'

F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense only knew what Ron Goldman's last words where, they might be able to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me, Goldman's last words where probably, ah, "Hey, you're OJ Simpson!"

And, Bailey insists he's talked to potential witness Maximo Cordova. "I have not talked to F. Lee Bailey," says Maximo Cordova. Who's right and who's wrong? Find out on the next 'Cordova'.

Some teenagers are snorting or injecting Ritalin, a drug prescribed to treat attention deficit disorder in children. Drug abuse experts warn that Ritalin can cause accelerated blood pressure, along with enhanced mental alertness, a surge of energy, and an increased sense of self-confidence. And remember kids: those are bad things.

Well, tests got underway this week to see if those new outlawed bullets are really as dangerous as everyone says.

Norm: Well, in weather news, the south has been hit with a record number of tornadoes this month. Now a lot of viewers, ah, don't understand what a tornado actually is. So here to explain is best selling author of 'You May Be a Redneck", comedian, Jeff Foxworthy. Jeff:

Jeff Foxworthy (David Spade): Thank you Norm, thank you. If you have wind swirling around you at 140 miles per hour and lawn chairs flying about, you might be a tornado.

If cumulous and nimbus clouds dissipate when you're around, there's a good change you're a tornado.

If you're an extra tropical funnel comprised of warm humid air conflicting with dry air, causing a cone shaped swirling cloud that periodically touches down and tears a brutal path wherever it hits, there's a chance you may be a tornado.

If people see you and run, there's a good argument to be made, that you could be characterized, not unfairly, as a tornado.

If you where in Enid, Oklahoma in February, 1960 and when you finished your destructive rampage, 26 people where left for dead, you may be a tornado.

If you look in the mirror and see this, you--

Norm: Hey, hey Jeff, now ah, those are really funny but, hey, why don't you give us a redneck joke, huh? Like, ah, you know if, ah, if your family tree does not fork, you may be a redneck. One of those?

Jeff Foxworthy: Well Norm, that was last year, right now I'm focusing on promoting my new book 'You May Be a Tornado If...'. Which is in its third printing and has hilarious jokes like the ones I just told you plus a whole lot more.

Norm: Well, good luck there Jeff. Thanks a lot for stopping by.

Jeff Foxworthy: There ya go Norm! Thank you!

Norm: Jeff Foxworthy!

Jeff Foxworthy: Tornado!

According to a controversial new biography, Elizabeth Taylor likes her love making loud, rough, and frequent. Coincidentally, that's also how she likes to eat.

Oh no! OJ has struck again! How 'bout that?

A recent study shows the number of sexually active teenagers is leveling off at 53%. And another study shows the number of teenagers who tell their friends that they're sexually active is holding steady at 100%.

Here we see Latoya Jackson wowing the crowds in St. Petersburg Russia. Of course, in Russia, 'wowing' means to disappoint or disgust.

The state of New Hampshire is on its way to becoming the first state to ban the use of lions, tigers, elephants, and other exotic animals in circuses. Officials also plan to change the state motto to 'New Hampshire, where the circus really sucks'

Norm: Well, here at weekend update we like to hear what ordinary Americans have to say about world events. So here with a point-counterpoint discussion, are Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle.

Hank Doodle (Chris Farley): All right, here we go!

Norm: Hey, how are ya fellas?

Frank Dippy (Adam Sandler): Doin' Fine Norman.

Hank: Lets get it to it Norm.

Norm: All right fellas, you know the rules, you have ten seconds to get your point across. Now here's your first topic. The first hundred days of the republican congress, drawing to a close, have they delivered their contract with America? Frank Dippy, you have ten seconds.

Frank: All right, ten, ten seconds, got a lot to say. One hundred days, this is going back to the, whosh, got, it's as simple as, ok, Bill Clinton, got the, lemme just say that, hala, make no mistake, ha he hem - BUZZER - All right, out of time, out of time.

Norm: Ok, Hank Doodle, your rebuttal.

Hank: Ok, I was just talking about this to ah, my bleedin' heart liberal brother. So I sits the guy down, I look him straight in the eye, and I says to him, I, I, I says to the guy. I says to him, I says, I says, he's right there. I'm - BUZZER -

Norm: All right, fellas well lets move on to the next topic, it's Oscar time best picture category, what do you think? Frank Dippy?

Frank: So many terrific, ah, so, got the, got the, Shawshank, got the, but, ok one thing about the Gump, you got, who, ok, Brando, did not want to show up because of the Indians. But, oh, I'm getting ahead of myself. Ah, ok, focus, gotta think here it all comes down to the - BUZZER - That did not go well, all right.

Norm: Ok, well, Hank Doodle, the floor is yours, best picture:

Hank: An old school buddy of mine is, ah, in the academy, I don't normally do this but I called him up and I says to him, I, I, I says to him, I says, I says, I says, I says, I says to him, I says, put him right on the spot and I, I, I says to him, I - BUZZER -

Norm: All right, well, the OJ trial is the high price defense team giving OJ his money's worth? This is a complex issue so I'm going to give each of you twenty seconds, Frank Dippy.

Frank: Ok now look, ah, I'm not lookin' to rough any feathers, here, it's just, lets start at the top here, ok, well, Papa Geeno's gives ya, ah, getting side tracked, anyway, Judge Ito is fooling himself if he thinks anyone, anyway, I says to the guy, I says, I says to him, I says, I says. Oh, that's his thing. All right, ok, gotta hurry, and, and a, here comes the buzzer, and, - BUZZER -

Norm: Ok, look, think the 20-second thing might have been a mistake, there, so Mr. Doodle, for your rebuttal, I'm going to give you four seconds. Go ahead.

Hank: Well, I says to him, I says I, I says I says, I says, I says - BUZZER -

Norm: Now fellas, I know you're both huge college basketball fans. So in closing, why don't you tell us who you think who's gonna win the final four?

You're on crack if you think I'm transcribing this part.

Norm: All right, ok, I think that's enough, Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle everyone.

Well, newly weds Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson had their first argument this week. He wants kids, while she wants fake kids.

And finally, well, it's official, there ya go, Michael Jordan is leaving baseball to return to basketball. It is unclear whether the media will now refer to him by his old basketball nickname, 'Air Jordan', or his more recent baseball nickname, 'Senior Crappy'.

Well that's it. Thanks folks, seya next week.

Transcribed by: staff member  steve
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.