Archiver's Note:

Completely news in this one. For those of you who wanted Norm's sitcom to move to the WB network, just check out the joke about sarin gas...

Added to site: June 3, 2000.

March 25th, 1995
Thank you. Hi I'm Norm Macdonald and this is the news:

Last week as Pat Buchanan announced his decision to run for president, several people jumped on stage chanting, "Buchanan is a racist." As security began to wrestle them from the stage Buchanan stopped them and said, "Let them continue, that's my slogan."

Republican presidential candidate Phil Gram, of Texas, said yesterday that if he and president Clinton met in the general election next year, he would quote, "Chew him up and spit him out." President Clinton says, on the other hand, that he would take Gram, deep fry him, dip him in mayonnaise, and swallow him whole.

Well, the nerve gas serine, which was used in the Tokyo subway attack, is a colorless, odorless, substance that swiftly paralyzes the respiratory system, fills the lungs with fluid, and drowns its victims. But it's still better than anything on the Warner Brothers Network.

Senator Bob Packwood said this week he favors reduced federal deficit over a tax cut. Then he added that in case anyone was curious, he prefers nice legs over large breasts.

Well, how about this, you know it makes me sick when a society lets a guy like Colin Ferguson live for another two hundred years! It's... ridiculous, it's crazy!

A new study says that people who quit smoking have healthier lungs. Yet another ground breaking story from the pages of the medical journal, 'Duh'.

The Hertz rental car company announced this week that it will buy five hundred and twenty thousand vehicles. Increasing its worldwide fleet by twenty-four percent. In addition, they will try to find a new spokesman that won't kill his ex-wife.

And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that OJ Simpson did not appear angry before, or after, the period of his wife's murder. But Kaelin admitted he could have been a touch edgy while he was actually murdering her. Might have been... ah...

Kato spent four days on the witness stand this week, making it the longest job he has ever held.

Leona Helmsly fired a maid this week for stealing her Victoria Secret lingerie. If you think she looks hot here, ah? Imagine... if you would... with the...

And finally the Diamond Council of America advises that men spend two months salary on an engagement ring. Well, the American Housing Company suggests you spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent. Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommends you spend all your salary... on crack.

And that's it for now, goodnight folks, seya later.

Transcribed by: staff member  steve
Material provided by: staff member  joeb.