Editor's Note:
Recorded off Comedy Central, I'm sure this W.U. installment has been severely edited down, but it's better than nothing. I cut Adam Sandler's bit at the end, but put one audio clip from it in the Random Sound Bits section of the Archives.

Added to site: August 2002.

May 13th, 1995

Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald. Thank you. Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the news.

It is now believed that in the months before the Oklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh, may have sold drugs. Boy is he in trouble now! Eh? With that…

A deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus is said to be responsible for more than one hundred deaths in Africa… and a couple of really bad movies here in the United States.

Well in a questionable move by the defense team, this week, O.J. Simpson demonstrated how to stab two people at the same time.

A labor department study shows that the number of temporary workers rose to two million in 1994. And that study doesn’t even include, the most temporary of the temporarily unemployed… Kato Kaelin.

Norm: Well, the summer movie season is just around the corner, and one of the biggest releases, this year, is the new Batman Forever. Here, now, with his review, is the original Batman, Mr. Adam West.

Adam West (Michael McKean): Thank you, thank you. Thank you Norm. Hail, good citizens of Gotham. With Bat-mania sweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate, than with my new book “Back to the Batcave”, a virtual cornucopia of beloved bat-stories. For example, old friend, did you know that they don’t let me wear the mask anymore. They’ve threatened to sue me if I appear in public as the… caped crusader.

Norm: Aww, that’s great Adam. Hey- hey, how about that new Batman Forever movie, eh?

Adam West: Here’s an interesting bat-fact, old chum: Cesar Romero played the joker, but, you know, he never shaved his mustache. Ha ha! … He’s dead now.

Norm: That’s great… hey! What about Val Kilmer, you know, the new Batman?

Adam West: I wanted to play… Uncle Batman. He- he would be an older, distinguished gentleman, much like your self Commissioner Gordon. And he would help Batman fight crime! Ha! … Didn’t happen. Didn’t happen.

Norm: Look, ah- Adam, are you gonna talk about the new Batman movie here?

Adam West: Excuse me Commissioner Gordon, I- I have to go. [Gets up and exits]

Norm: Adam West, ladies and gentlemen. Adam West. … All right, well in Russia this week, Boris Yeltsin, ah--

[Adam West returns in a Batman costume]

Batman: Evildoers beware!

Norm: Ohh my God!

Batman: It is I, Batman!

Norm: Ohh, hey, ah- ah, Batman, hey what- what happened to Adam West, wasn’t he…

Batman: You mean… millionaire Bruce Wayne. Why, he’s at a board meeting at Wayne Industries.

Norm: Yeah right, hey, Adam, ah, seriously, you know, you’re not supposed to be wearing that mask and cape in public. You know, somebody’s probably watching…

Batman: Let them sue me Norm! If you persist in calling me Adam I- I’ll be forced to use the bat-ray on you! [He begins to unzip his pants] It’s here on my belt, don’t worry!

Norm: No, no, no, really… they’ll sue you!

Batman: I say let them, Norm! Then we’ll see who the true batman is! I’m Batman! Val Kilmer isn’t fit to wear my bat-tights. Do you hear me Val? Do you hear me?!?! Ahhhhhh!

[Robin (David Duchovny) runs in]

Robin: Holy, not-taking-your-medication Batman!

Batman: Robin, Robin? Is that you, my ward? Help me!

Robin: Yes Adam.

Batman: I don’t know where I am.

Robin: I’ve come to take you home.

Batman: Where- where is home?

Robin: The bat cave!

Batman: No, no! I’m afraid of bats! No!

Robin: I’ll take care of you.

Batman: Thank you, old chum!

Norm: Adam West again, ladies and gentlemen. And, the other guy, Burt Ward, was with him.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year, is the really, really, really, really high chair.

Well, last Friday in Washington D.C. the city’s elementary school students, pledged to say drug free, as a gift to their moms on mother’s day. Meanwhile, DC Mayor, Marion Barry… got his mom a great big box of chocolates!

And now, here with a mother’s day message, Weekend Update’s own, and my hero, Adam Sandler!

Transcribed and provided by: steve