"Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald and now The Fake News."
"Our top story tonight, a shocking new development in the OJ Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame OJ Simpson for the murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene and found that OJ really did do it."
"On Thursday congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals on death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty wooden shack."
"Well, earlier this week actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live. Among them that, quote, 'Hollywood is run by Jews.' The Jewish leaders accepted Brando's apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again."
"In other show-business news, it has been reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I find this a bit hard to believe, I mean, Madonna isn't even married! It's like... crazy!"
"This week a New Jersey woman, Rita Glusman, was charged with hacking her husband to death with an ax, cutting the body into pieces, and having a cousin dump them in a river. According to police, Glusman learned how to do this by watching the program Martha Stewart Living."
"In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that OJ Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is, quote, 'one ugly bastard.'"
"In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26-mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face--" [Norm makes a horrified face] "--at a Boston Marathon."
"And in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined $10,000 for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, 'This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.'"
[Skit with Greg "The Shark" Norman]
"Well for the second week in a row, Richard Gere's new movie 'Primal Fear' was number one at the box office, leading many Hollywood insiders to wonder, 'Hey, uh, you think that gerbil story is true?'"
"Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme? 'I don't deserve my girlfriend.'" [Picture of Copperfield with Claudia Schiffer]
"In California, the State Justice Department has endorsed a plan that would update the term for a prostitute's customer from the traditional 'John,' to the new, more current sounding term, 'Charlie Sheen.'"
"And finally, this Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the fourth annual Take Our Daughters To Work Day. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it, Thursday."
"And that's the way it is, folks! Good night, see you later."
Thank you Russ for providing this transcript.